Heyyo!
What do girls'll do when they're bored?
Food hunting?
Shoes and heels shopping?
Clothes shopping?
Flirting?
Sight seeing?
Or all of the above?
My friends and I did all of the above!
EXCEPT flirting. Zir and Ir are taken. While I, don't flirt cause I'm very very bad at it. I feel awkward...wait, I am awkward. And I've left 'love life' quite a while now.
I prefer shopping. It won't break my heart and won't leave or deceive me. The money part, is another story.
Shopping here is CHEAP! Not everything but most of them.
A blouse was supposed to cost $30 but there is a promotion right now. I've gotten $20 for 2 piece of blouse. At some shops, you can find it selling 3 shirts for only $10. The quality isn't that bad. I mean eventually we'll throw or give away clothes that we don't want anymore. I've also bought 2 sweatshirt for $10 each. One of them says "MISFIT", and another one says "FUCK OFF". I got "MISFIT" for myself and "FUCK OFF" for my sister. I'm such a good sister...
I'm only here for 2 weeks and I have spent more than I should. I bought a North Star shoe and a badminton shoe already as well.
FOOD. Heavenly word that every hooman beings love to hear. What should I say about this?
Yes, CHEAP!
My friends and I ate at Pizza Hut yesterday and we spent $50 on it. There were 3 girls and 3 boys, and we couldn't finish the pizza. Can you imagine? A large sized pizza is only $10. WHAT. While, in Brunei, it'll be at least $28? And the pizza here isn't oily as well. LOVE IT!
The cereal here is also cheap. And Indomee is everywhereee (you don't say). Oreo here is 80c each. Woot! While, in Brunei, it has to be at least $2.40.
There are a lot of FC's here. KFC, GFC, BFC, CFC...I can continue actually. You can buy 2 pieces of chicken with a drink for only $3, but of course, I don't buy it or perhaps haven't. I try my best to eat vegan although it's quite hard cause everyone wants to try the food when visiting another country. For KCF, you can get a fish burger for only a fucking dollar. OMG! Just by thinking of it, I'm crying the tears of happiness already. The KFC's mocha float is only 80c and a meat set is like $2. OMG OMG OMG!
I swear I won't be the weight that I have now if I were to live in Surabaya forever. LOVE IT HERE!
So, I'm tired and sleepy right now! I'm off to bed =)
Monday, September 5, 2016
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
45 minutes presentation
I know I was supposed to finish my story of Day 1 in Surabaya but I am too excited to share my Day 11 experience here!
Basically, my friend, Zir was asked to do a presentation on our University on Brunei but she declined cause she is a shy person. Still shy. So, she suggested this presentation to Ir and I. We agreed to do so. But what we never knew was that the presentation is 45 minutes per person. OMG. I know... but not really. Because the 45 minutes isn't actually enough.
I was supped to show 4 videos but only managed to show 3 of them. I thought I will be the one who'll press the button for the next slides but someone did it. Dammit. And the person kept pressing next even before I told him to do so. Pfft! I kinda rushed in giving my presentation cause that person kept pressing 'next' so quickly. And if I kept asking him to go back to the previous slide, it'll make him look bad.
The freshies are actually younger as they do not have 'A' levels like Bruneians (before entering University). My buddy is in her 2nd year but is 19 years old only. The freshies wore formally. When I say formal, it meant white shirt, black long skirt/ trousers, black shoes, and white tudong for girls. When I give my presentation, I thought that I will be nervous. But I wasn't at all. Calm like the river with crocodiles. WHAT.
I've underestimated myself.
I didn't expect myself to be able to blah for 45 minutes. In that 45 minutes, it includes Q & A session. Some of the questions were... I'll tell later.
Besides, I've met an awesome Ukrainian who gave a presentation on her University. Her name is Olga, was a medical student and would only be in Surabaya for 10 days.
I made some jokes as I went along. In my slide, I put
which is very, very true. And also,
The students laughed when I said that Bruneians love food very much, and also "I'm actually amazed that you all asked a lot of questions (previously from Olga who gave her presentation first), because we Bruneian will keep very quiet and sit at the very far end, pretending that we never existed". I talked about Brunei's traditional kuih and our famous Nasi Katok.
Then, I showed them the different lecture halls in UBD. They were all amazed cause I don't think there are lecture hall in this Uni. If there were, I guess it was just the classrooms. I compared the people in the pictures, the one in Chancellor Hall and the one in the CLT rooms. "Do you see any difference in the people in these two pictures? Look at their faces. The people in this picture looked stressed out because they are actually having exams and this room is the Chancellor Hall".
Then, I showed them pictures of the Language Centre's lecture halls and a picture of my friends and I using our hoodies to cover up our face. Only eyes were visible. "This is a picture of my friend an I in the Language Centre lecture hall. It was very cold that we became ninjas".
After that, I showed them pictures which I took from FASS website on Festival Sastera the Sixth. The very first picture was a male and a female in Malay wedding costumes. "Don't worry, you come to UBD to study and not to get marry. This is just an act from I guess a fairy tale?"
I also showed them the type of clubs in UBD and of course, I showed them PAC's AMOROSA pictures. Then, I showed the pictures of ADYA with the Choirs. "So, anyone familiar? This is actually me". THEN THE BUTTHOLE PRESSED NEXT as I was about to point out myself in the picture.
I showed pictures that I've taking during my Biology practicals and trips, and specimens. Some pictures of Drama & Theatre, and lastly my Dark Photography pictures that I've taken. I heard a girls said, "that's so scary". Well, I can't un-goth myself.
Finally, I showed a video on the activities that international students' did in UBD but I stopped the BUTTHOLE half way of the video cause I saw the guy at the back putting up a '10 minutes' sign. I was like, 'woaaaaahhhh, my my, I've underestimated myself'. Well, of course silently.
And now it's time for Q & A. Within a second, there were a lot of raised hands. I was like 'woaaaaaahh', silently, still. LOL.
Some of the questions I can remember are -
Me: Yes.
Student: And since Brunei is one of the wealthiest country, can you share the tips to us Indonesian on how our country can be as of Brunei.
The first thing in my head was... WHAT. THE .F. This is hard and how am I gonna answer this.
Me: Alright, so Brunei is wealthy because of it's Oil and Gas export to mainly, Japan. So, and Brunei is a really small country and is almost never existed. If you asked some people, 'do you know Brunei?', they don't. (Then, I slowly forgotten the student's question and went off topic) Bruneians worked really hard to be known to the other countries. Brunei is actually quite famous in the UK because students tend to get their scholarship to the UK. They worked hard for it. And I hope that answered your question? (cause I know I didn't. But my point was Bruneians worked hard. Uhh...)
Me: Actually, I wasn't supposed to come to this University. I chose Malaysia (K.K.) but I was offered to this University and I grabbed this opportunity. I have been to Malaysia (not K.K. actually but shuh) and so I thought 'why not?' and I could get to know the people and the culture. It would be a challenge to me.
(And I saw most of the students nodded in agreement. Haha!)
Me: Oh, I am here for about 10 days and actually I haven't really have one. There will be soon as I have one semester.
Me: I like the people of Indonesia. They are very friendly and brave, like you guys. Being able to raised up your hands and ask a lot of questions are brave. Oh, and there was once that my friends and I were carry heavy stuff and one of the people actually offered to help. In Indonesia, the food is cheap as well.
(And everyone laughed. I was like 'oh ya, from the previous slides where I said that Bruneians love food')
(And this my friend, was the hardest questions of all time. I actually asked Zir to help me out. I wanna say that I don't know much about Brunei's culture but I don't wanna sound like who I am. Haha! I mean, I don't care about cultures actually. That's bad).
Me: So yeah, we preserved our cultures and traditions very well. From the pictures I showed all of you, you can see quite a few pictures where Bruneians wear traditional clothing. Other than that, I actually need help from my friend. Zir, can you help me out (Fakkkkk.. awkward. All of them turned to look at Zir. She is a shy person and I don't think she was pleased. She whispered to me about Shariah Law). So, have you heard of the Shariah Law?
All students (maybe): Yes.
Me: So basically, that's it. (I kraii...)
Me: Yes.
Student: So, can you give us some tips on how to be a good student in Biology?
Me: (Flashbacks of me sleeping in lectures, talking and texting in classes, playing during practicals, and never really focused at all) Alrights, so you must always listen to your Professors. They always give important information to the students. Some of those information are not found in textbooks or from the Internet because they are Professors and they do their own research as well. And always read ahead of the topics that you will learn. So that it will be easy for you during lectures and you will be able to answer your Professors' questions easily. ( I mean c'mon, these are from my experiences okey. I am not a rebellious or a bad student. But there are times when you can't focus in lectures or slack.)
Me; Brunei is actually slowly developing in the art field, but very slowly. We have one artist named Liyana Yus, but she isn't really there yet. And yes, I only know one Indonesia artist, Agnes Monica. (They went owhhhhh!), Hollywood artist is Avril Lavigne and I know that she is famous in Indonesia, yes? and Korea, Song Jung Ki! (All the girls screamed. Haha! Ah mai gerd).
There were actually more questions but I couldn't recall.
And a girl raised her hand too before the last question that I answered but I stopped the Q & A session cause '10 minutes' might be over. I was then asked to give a short inspirational speech.
"So, my last inspirational words will be very short which is: Don't work hard, but work smart! I wish you all the best and I hope to see some of your faces in Brunei. Thank you".
Olga and I received a box of bread and a lovely cactus each (which I always wanted so bad but is expensive in Brunei). I have some pictures but just too lazy to upload.
Bye!
Basically, my friend, Zir was asked to do a presentation on our University on Brunei but she declined cause she is a shy person. Still shy. So, she suggested this presentation to Ir and I. We agreed to do so. But what we never knew was that the presentation is 45 minutes per person. OMG. I know... but not really. Because the 45 minutes isn't actually enough.
I was supped to show 4 videos but only managed to show 3 of them. I thought I will be the one who'll press the button for the next slides but someone did it. Dammit. And the person kept pressing next even before I told him to do so. Pfft! I kinda rushed in giving my presentation cause that person kept pressing 'next' so quickly. And if I kept asking him to go back to the previous slide, it'll make him look bad.
The freshies are actually younger as they do not have 'A' levels like Bruneians (before entering University). My buddy is in her 2nd year but is 19 years old only. The freshies wore formally. When I say formal, it meant white shirt, black long skirt/ trousers, black shoes, and white tudong for girls. When I give my presentation, I thought that I will be nervous. But I wasn't at all. Calm like the river with crocodiles. WHAT.
I've underestimated myself.
I didn't expect myself to be able to blah for 45 minutes. In that 45 minutes, it includes Q & A session. Some of the questions were... I'll tell later.
Besides, I've met an awesome Ukrainian who gave a presentation on her University. Her name is Olga, was a medical student and would only be in Surabaya for 10 days.
I made some jokes as I went along. In my slide, I put
'Bruneians love food'
'Bruneians are shy, friendly and relaxed'.
The students laughed when I said that Bruneians love food very much, and also "I'm actually amazed that you all asked a lot of questions (previously from Olga who gave her presentation first), because we Bruneian will keep very quiet and sit at the very far end, pretending that we never existed". I talked about Brunei's traditional kuih and our famous Nasi Katok.
Then, I showed them the different lecture halls in UBD. They were all amazed cause I don't think there are lecture hall in this Uni. If there were, I guess it was just the classrooms. I compared the people in the pictures, the one in Chancellor Hall and the one in the CLT rooms. "Do you see any difference in the people in these two pictures? Look at their faces. The people in this picture looked stressed out because they are actually having exams and this room is the Chancellor Hall".
Then, I showed them pictures of the Language Centre's lecture halls and a picture of my friends and I using our hoodies to cover up our face. Only eyes were visible. "This is a picture of my friend an I in the Language Centre lecture hall. It was very cold that we became ninjas".
After that, I showed them pictures which I took from FASS website on Festival Sastera the Sixth. The very first picture was a male and a female in Malay wedding costumes. "Don't worry, you come to UBD to study and not to get marry. This is just an act from I guess a fairy tale?"
I also showed them the type of clubs in UBD and of course, I showed them PAC's AMOROSA pictures. Then, I showed the pictures of ADYA with the Choirs. "So, anyone familiar? This is actually me". THEN THE BUTTHOLE PRESSED NEXT as I was about to point out myself in the picture.
I showed pictures that I've taking during my Biology practicals and trips, and specimens. Some pictures of Drama & Theatre, and lastly my Dark Photography pictures that I've taken. I heard a girls said, "that's so scary". Well, I can't un-goth myself.
Finally, I showed a video on the activities that international students' did in UBD but I stopped the BUTTHOLE half way of the video cause I saw the guy at the back putting up a '10 minutes' sign. I was like, 'woaaaaahhhh, my my, I've underestimated myself'. Well, of course silently.
And now it's time for Q & A. Within a second, there were a lot of raised hands. I was like 'woaaaaaahh', silently, still. LOL.
Some of the questions I can remember are -
- Student: Hello, so I have heard that Brunei is one of the wealthiest country. Is that true?
Me: Yes.
Student: And since Brunei is one of the wealthiest country, can you share the tips to us Indonesian on how our country can be as of Brunei.
The first thing in my head was... WHAT. THE .F. This is hard and how am I gonna answer this.
Me: Alright, so Brunei is wealthy because of it's Oil and Gas export to mainly, Japan. So, and Brunei is a really small country and is almost never existed. If you asked some people, 'do you know Brunei?', they don't. (Then, I slowly forgotten the student's question and went off topic) Bruneians worked really hard to be known to the other countries. Brunei is actually quite famous in the UK because students tend to get their scholarship to the UK. They worked hard for it. And I hope that answered your question? (cause I know I didn't. But my point was Bruneians worked hard. Uhh...)
- Student: Hi, why do you choose to come to Surabaya, more specifically this University.
Me: Actually, I wasn't supposed to come to this University. I chose Malaysia (K.K.) but I was offered to this University and I grabbed this opportunity. I have been to Malaysia (not K.K. actually but shuh) and so I thought 'why not?' and I could get to know the people and the culture. It would be a challenge to me.
(And I saw most of the students nodded in agreement. Haha!)
- Student: Hello, I would like to know what is your most memorable experience in Surabaya.
Me: Oh, I am here for about 10 days and actually I haven't really have one. There will be soon as I have one semester.
- Student: Hello, what do you like about the people of Indonesia?
Me: I like the people of Indonesia. They are very friendly and brave, like you guys. Being able to raised up your hands and ask a lot of questions are brave. Oh, and there was once that my friends and I were carry heavy stuff and one of the people actually offered to help. In Indonesia, the food is cheap as well.
(And everyone laughed. I was like 'oh ya, from the previous slides where I said that Bruneians love food')
- Student: Hi, since you talked about to get to know about Indonesia culture, can you tell us more on Brunei culture?
(And this my friend, was the hardest questions of all time. I actually asked Zir to help me out. I wanna say that I don't know much about Brunei's culture but I don't wanna sound like who I am. Haha! I mean, I don't care about cultures actually. That's bad).
Me: So yeah, we preserved our cultures and traditions very well. From the pictures I showed all of you, you can see quite a few pictures where Bruneians wear traditional clothing. Other than that, I actually need help from my friend. Zir, can you help me out (Fakkkkk.. awkward. All of them turned to look at Zir. She is a shy person and I don't think she was pleased. She whispered to me about Shariah Law). So, have you heard of the Shariah Law?
All students (maybe): Yes.
Me: So basically, that's it. (I kraii...)
- Student: Hello, you are a Biology major student right?
Me: Yes.
Student: So, can you give us some tips on how to be a good student in Biology?
Me: (Flashbacks of me sleeping in lectures, talking and texting in classes, playing during practicals, and never really focused at all) Alrights, so you must always listen to your Professors. They always give important information to the students. Some of those information are not found in textbooks or from the Internet because they are Professors and they do their own research as well. And always read ahead of the topics that you will learn. So that it will be easy for you during lectures and you will be able to answer your Professors' questions easily. ( I mean c'mon, these are from my experiences okey. I am not a rebellious or a bad student. But there are times when you can't focus in lectures or slack.)
- Student: Hi, since you said that Brunei doesn't have an artist, do you know any artist perhaps from Indonesia, Hollywood or Korea?
Me; Brunei is actually slowly developing in the art field, but very slowly. We have one artist named Liyana Yus, but she isn't really there yet. And yes, I only know one Indonesia artist, Agnes Monica. (They went owhhhhh!), Hollywood artist is Avril Lavigne and I know that she is famous in Indonesia, yes? and Korea, Song Jung Ki! (All the girls screamed. Haha! Ah mai gerd).
There were actually more questions but I couldn't recall.
And a girl raised her hand too before the last question that I answered but I stopped the Q & A session cause '10 minutes' might be over. I was then asked to give a short inspirational speech.
"So, my last inspirational words will be very short which is: Don't work hard, but work smart! I wish you all the best and I hope to see some of your faces in Brunei. Thank you".
Olga and I received a box of bread and a lovely cactus each (which I always wanted so bad but is expensive in Brunei). I have some pictures but just too lazy to upload.
Bye!
Monday, August 29, 2016
Moving on!
I was planning to type all my sad feelings out here.
But what if I focus on the positive side this time?
I am in Surabaya, Indonesia for my 3rd year - Discovery Year. This is where students are required to go outside of the university; abroad or local. The programmes are such as Students Exchange Programme, Internship, COP and so on. Mine is under SEP (Students Exchange Programme).
It was on 19th Aug 2016 (Friday), that was when I left Brunei to Surabaya. My flight was at night and my family and friends were there. None of the CT-ians came or at least wish me well? So does Mr. disappointment who asked me about my flight 3 times. Fuck that. Anyway, I did not expect to cry. For some unknown reasons, I broke down. It all started when I hugged my mom. I just felt sad. I hugged my sister, then it was a little bit of awkwardness for a moment because I did not know if I should hug my father or my mother first... It doesn't matter though, then I went to my mother and finally to my father. I cried like a baby when I hugged my dad and when he started to brush my hair. Oh my gawddd... Finally, I went to Fang and then to Mijah. Both of them couldn't hold back their tears too. LOL. Losers.
When I first arrived Surabaya... omg, I just ate instant tomyam and oats just now and now I'm hungry again. Sometimes, I wonder how many stomach chambers I have. Back to the topic, There were 6 of us coming to Surabaya, but the other 3 guys came only later. We were greeted by come volunteers and our buddies. It took about 45 minutes to arrived to our apartment from the airport.
My friend, Ir brought 5 luggage, Zir brought 4 and so was I. The volunteers had a hard time solving puzzles. When I say solving puzzles, we did not play puzzles on the road or in the car. What I meant to say was, he kept putting the bags in and out of the boot cause the luggage couldn't fit into the boot. It was a hilarious moment.
But before we were greeted by the volunteers, there were 2 to 3 older ladies "waiting for us" and calling us. They were so loud and were desperate. I stopped Zir and we almost went to them. Luckily Ir saw the volunteers holding pieces of papers with our names printed on it and with our Surabaya university's logo. Two things came into my mind when I saw the older ladies that called us. First, it is perhaps impossible for the volunteers to be that old. No offence though. Second, they were quite violent (as I mentioned 'desperate').
I guess I will continue again tomorrow. I have an upset stomach right now. Perhaps, it was because of too much instant noodles cause we were too tired/ lazy to cook. I miss my mom. LOL.
But what if I focus on the positive side this time?
I am in Surabaya, Indonesia for my 3rd year - Discovery Year. This is where students are required to go outside of the university; abroad or local. The programmes are such as Students Exchange Programme, Internship, COP and so on. Mine is under SEP (Students Exchange Programme).
It was on 19th Aug 2016 (Friday), that was when I left Brunei to Surabaya. My flight was at night and my family and friends were there. None of the CT-ians came or at least wish me well? So does Mr. disappointment who asked me about my flight 3 times. Fuck that. Anyway, I did not expect to cry. For some unknown reasons, I broke down. It all started when I hugged my mom. I just felt sad. I hugged my sister, then it was a little bit of awkwardness for a moment because I did not know if I should hug my father or my mother first... It doesn't matter though, then I went to my mother and finally to my father. I cried like a baby when I hugged my dad and when he started to brush my hair. Oh my gawddd... Finally, I went to Fang and then to Mijah. Both of them couldn't hold back their tears too. LOL. Losers.
When I first arrived Surabaya... omg, I just ate instant tomyam and oats just now and now I'm hungry again. Sometimes, I wonder how many stomach chambers I have. Back to the topic, There were 6 of us coming to Surabaya, but the other 3 guys came only later. We were greeted by come volunteers and our buddies. It took about 45 minutes to arrived to our apartment from the airport.
My friend, Ir brought 5 luggage, Zir brought 4 and so was I. The volunteers had a hard time solving puzzles. When I say solving puzzles, we did not play puzzles on the road or in the car. What I meant to say was, he kept putting the bags in and out of the boot cause the luggage couldn't fit into the boot. It was a hilarious moment.
But before we were greeted by the volunteers, there were 2 to 3 older ladies "waiting for us" and calling us. They were so loud and were desperate. I stopped Zir and we almost went to them. Luckily Ir saw the volunteers holding pieces of papers with our names printed on it and with our Surabaya university's logo. Two things came into my mind when I saw the older ladies that called us. First, it is perhaps impossible for the volunteers to be that old. No offence though. Second, they were quite violent (as I mentioned 'desperate').
I guess I will continue again tomorrow. I have an upset stomach right now. Perhaps, it was because of too much instant noodles cause we were too tired/ lazy to cook. I miss my mom. LOL.
Saturday, August 27, 2016
Run.
Run.
How dare I allowed myself to fall when I've always been afraid of heights. Seeing you or hearing from you made me calm, and I guess that was why I trusted you as I let myself fall. I trusted you to catch me but you disappeared.
The height was crazy... too tall... like it'll never end.
I wanted to run but it was too late. I listened to the tiny voice in my head and jumped off the cliff. I'm still mid air, wondering when will this end.
If only I have wings.
I hate the cold wind in my bones,
I hate the absence of gravity on my toes,
I hate the imaginations where there are nails and stones below me.
As I'll bleed and bleed and bleed,
As you'll watch me bleed and bleed and bleed,
As I can't beg you please...
If you never intended to stay.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Catch me.
How dare I allowed myself to fall when I've always been afraid of heights. Seeing you or hearing from you made me calm, and I guess that was why I trusted you as I let myself fall. I trusted you to catch me but you disappeared.
The height was crazy... too tall... like it'll never end.
I wanted to run but it was too late. I listened to the tiny voice in my head and jumped off the cliff. I'm still mid air, wondering when will this end.
If only I have wings.
I hate the cold wind in my bones,
I hate the absence of gravity on my toes,
I hate the imaginations where there are nails and stones below me.
As I'll bleed and bleed and bleed,
As you'll watch me bleed and bleed and bleed,
As I can't beg you please...
If you never intended to stay.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Catch me.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Why are you telling me these?
Hi people!
Since last month, I have been always feeling low and down.
If you are wondering why, I have no idea...
Too much things have gone through my mind.
My two other friends and I confronted just now, as one of us are drifting. Not me.
She finally told us what happened in her home and broken down.
In the end, when we finally understood why she had been acting so differently, like being mean to us or everyone else.
I figured out that she was trying so hard to conserve her anger and sadness, and did not want us, innocence to be involved. Little did she know, the people around her are hurting. Especially one of the three of us and her very good friend.
I told her that if she remembers that I said, everyone loves you cause you are very kind. and I told her I'm glad I saw that 'you' when she talked her heart out to us. Then, she laughed. Lol.
"I found her!"
She knew that she needed to talk f2f with her good friend and I hope she will, so that everything will go back as it was, as it should be.
My friend's story reminded me a little bit of myself and my best friend.
Finally, we hugged and she apologised.
Some of you may think it is dramatic, but only a few who have gone through this situation will understand.
In the end, I treated her and another friend to a hostel restaurant. We talked a little bit.
After that she left. It was left with me and my another friend. We talked for a while and I told that friend of mine that when I wasn't myself, I prefer people leaving me alone. And few weeks ago I cried alone in an empty classroom (room3).
Then, my friend asked, "but why are you telling me this?"
I broke my heart in pieces, like I couldn't bear to show my vulnerable side anymore. I mean, I need someone to talk to. But... I mean, I wanted people to understand me better too, since we are in these breaking down topics.
It also reminded me of when my 5 years ago past where I told/warm a friend of mine that I'm having a bad day, cause I hope that he would understand if I happened to get mad or act differently. But he told be that he doesn't like it if I tell him, like there's no point.
So, yup. I think I have learnt more about myself now.
With whatever happened today, I'm glad I've learnt lesson too.
No one cares. =)
Since last month, I have been always feeling low and down.
If you are wondering why, I have no idea...
Too much things have gone through my mind.
My two other friends and I confronted just now, as one of us are drifting. Not me.
She finally told us what happened in her home and broken down.
In the end, when we finally understood why she had been acting so differently, like being mean to us or everyone else.
I figured out that she was trying so hard to conserve her anger and sadness, and did not want us, innocence to be involved. Little did she know, the people around her are hurting. Especially one of the three of us and her very good friend.
I told her that if she remembers that I said, everyone loves you cause you are very kind. and I told her I'm glad I saw that 'you' when she talked her heart out to us. Then, she laughed. Lol.
"I found her!"
She knew that she needed to talk f2f with her good friend and I hope she will, so that everything will go back as it was, as it should be.
My friend's story reminded me a little bit of myself and my best friend.
Finally, we hugged and she apologised.
Some of you may think it is dramatic, but only a few who have gone through this situation will understand.
In the end, I treated her and another friend to a hostel restaurant. We talked a little bit.
After that she left. It was left with me and my another friend. We talked for a while and I told that friend of mine that when I wasn't myself, I prefer people leaving me alone. And few weeks ago I cried alone in an empty classroom (room3).
Then, my friend asked, "but why are you telling me this?"
I broke my heart in pieces, like I couldn't bear to show my vulnerable side anymore. I mean, I need someone to talk to. But... I mean, I wanted people to understand me better too, since we are in these breaking down topics.
It also reminded me of when my 5 years ago past where I told/warm a friend of mine that I'm having a bad day, cause I hope that he would understand if I happened to get mad or act differently. But he told be that he doesn't like it if I tell him, like there's no point.
So, yup. I think I have learnt more about myself now.
With whatever happened today, I'm glad I've learnt lesson too.
No one cares. =)
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Depression. Cut.
I think it was few weeks ago, when I come to realised that I'm actually DO suffer from Depression. I was just having fun, play some online quiz about whatever which I can't remember. The ones that sometimes pop put in Facebook. I do not, never believe in the answers, until one of those gave me 'Depression' and gave some details about it.
I then, went to check online about it. Say, there are 10 'symptoms' to 'prove' that you are suffering from depression, and I got at least 7-8 on em.
- I cut
- I got irritated very easily (for no reasons)
- When I can't sleep, I can't fucking sleep. But when I do, I sleep like sleeping beauty (for unexpected hours).
- I can't stop wanting to ingest food.
- Negative thoughts
- I thought life is worthless, and I would never wanna live in the first place. I blamed God for even given me one.
- I always felt disappointed and sad.
I remember those days when I cut.
People that don't understand us, cutters, will never understand us, unless they stop calling us emo.
We, the cutters, would either hurt you or hurt ourselves if we can never take it, if we were push to our limits (emotions). Quiet, yes. Happy, yes. Bubbly, yes. What hurts is unable to stop thinking about the 'problem' and we need to let it out. But what hurts the MOST is having to hide it under sleeves and smiles.
The cutters would always want help, but would never be able to speak up. We screamed in silence, but hoping someone would hear us.
I have stop cutting, but whenever I'm emotional (anger or sadness), it was NEVER easy to stop telling myself not to cut. NEVER. I always have to say no, or else I will regret. I always believe that tomorrow will be okey.
"TOMORROW IS A DIFFERENT DAY".
For better or for worst.
Yes, it feels good to cut, but only up to what point?
Only up to that day itself, and the next day, scars everywhere.
Now, I think I'm improving. I'm getting better.
I've stop cutting. I've stop blaming God (lol). I've kinda stop eating 'unconsciously' because eating help me to think. I mean I think a lot when I eat. Though I cry myself to sleep or go somewhere quiet and pour my heart out by writing. Writing songs or poems.
But I still can't stop all those self blaming and guilt and never good enough thought. I know I have these thoughts, I just can't stop them.
So, I hope anyone suffering, that is reading this not-so-helpful blog, would always be with me, because I wanna get this through with you. I may not know you. and you don't know me as well, or maybe just a little.
And idk why I've suddenly got so fucking emotional today and decided to let it out. I randomly search songs and found this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gi8pMNV-4h4
I.FUCKING.CRIED.
At first I was just listen to her story, but when she sang about her mother and how she'd be so selfish, my heart felt heavy and I broke down.
I mean, how could I never even think of the one who may lose her life by giving me life. If anything were to happened to me, it WILL break her, because half of her is in me.
My mother never knew I cut. I remembered when she saw some scars at my hand, I always managed to give 'logic' reasons. I always felt she doesn't care enough. But what if something were to happened to me, the 'enough' will be too late. It didn't even give her the chance to really care by then, cause I might be gone.
I don't know how long I can or will hold on till I get another few slices in my arms. I hope to get over it.
I think, doing things that we love will help us. Now, I'm starting to dance again, even though it wasn't good, but I enjoy it. Singing comes first for me, of course. I've met people who love to sing and are very random. And always look for inspirations. Inspirations are all around us, it is only YOU to realised it. The person beside you may be suffering from something worst, but is still holding on and do not self-harm or have negative thoughts.
Keep yourself with positive people.
I know, the way I'm babbling now is as if I know all shits. but trust me, I'm here for a hand and from my experiences on how I 'managed' to stop cutting (only).
And again,
"TOMORROW IS A DIFFERENT DAY".
Monday, December 15, 2014
what I want.
So, like the title...
my sister asked me, what I wanted for my birthday.
I'm so old already gais.. T.T damnn...
Anyway, Idk what i freaking want. I mean, when she doesn't ask, there are a lot of 'oh, i want this', 'i want that'...but when it comes to the real deal. My mind went blank! Zzz...
I mean, it's not that I'm demanding, but everyone should have a special day...at least once a year.
I told her I wanna oreo cake. But actually I don't. Mai gadd...it's complicated.
But now I think I know what shits I want for my birthday. I want people to greet me, not only greet cause Facebook told you. Meanwhile, I think I should celebrate for not self-harming, for at least 2 years already bebeyhhh!! During my bday, I wanna eat all food I love without having to puke them all out. Yes, I'm sorry...but bulimia... that's where I am now. I wanna enjoy food from restaurants that I have never been. I wanna spend time, maybe at least 2 hours in the dinner table with my family, and not talking about school or future. I don't wanna hang out with friends, just family. I'm not really a family type of person, but when it come to my bday, my family is the one that is the most sincere one. During my bday, I wanna be appreciated. Fuck. No. Idk. Whatever. Thinking about this is killing me. Fuck.
I just wanna be myself. No bulimia shits. No whatever. U just wanna enjoy.
How about you gais? =)
I've shared my piece. Don't forget to share yours.
Chaw! =)
my sister asked me, what I wanted for my birthday.
I'm so old already gais.. T.T damnn...
Anyway, Idk what i freaking want. I mean, when she doesn't ask, there are a lot of 'oh, i want this', 'i want that'...but when it comes to the real deal. My mind went blank! Zzz...
I mean, it's not that I'm demanding, but everyone should have a special day...at least once a year.
I told her I wanna oreo cake. But actually I don't. Mai gadd...it's complicated.
But now I think I know what shits I want for my birthday. I want people to greet me, not only greet cause Facebook told you. Meanwhile, I think I should celebrate for not self-harming, for at least 2 years already bebeyhhh!! During my bday, I wanna eat all food I love without having to puke them all out. Yes, I'm sorry...but bulimia... that's where I am now. I wanna enjoy food from restaurants that I have never been. I wanna spend time, maybe at least 2 hours in the dinner table with my family, and not talking about school or future. I don't wanna hang out with friends, just family. I'm not really a family type of person, but when it come to my bday, my family is the one that is the most sincere one. During my bday, I wanna be appreciated. Fuck. No. Idk. Whatever. Thinking about this is killing me. Fuck.
I just wanna be myself. No bulimia shits. No whatever. U just wanna enjoy.
How about you gais? =)
I've shared my piece. Don't forget to share yours.
Chaw! =)
Thursday, December 4, 2014
I'm back! happy hols! =)
Hi guys! Yeah, it is me again. Hmm..
So, it's Decemberrrrrrrrr!!
I know, you guys haven't heard from me for so longggggg.... where have I been?
I was just busy with all my assignments and projects and yes, DRAMA!! Drama onstage and drama offstage.
Okey, I'm now in a quite awful university, but with awesome new friends, especially my drama friends. I love them so much. ❤
But friends from my major course...they're ermm...some of them are nice. Others are just, not even friends..i mean i haven't consider them as my friends =P idk...i mean we know we are classmates, but never say hi or what shits. We ignore each other. And some of them, i never knew they exist and are in the same course with me. So, oh well... im not a friendly kind of person as well. Can't blame them for that.
I have a lot of things to share about my drama friends...so should i say family? They are all lovely. Sometimes i dont feel i fit in here...but, they do make me feel i do, sometimes...in a way...indirectly...without their notice... but i do enjoy hanging around with them. Yeeep! Damn, i can talk about each one of them..i can write a 10 pages essay about them, or even a book! Wootsss!! I can write a book about them and what we did in class and about our rehearsals to out big performance and about we share food and about....and about...there's too much to share! XD
But whatever it is, i hope to know that i exist im their eyes and life. I hope im not invisible to them. I hope they love me for who i am. I hope to inspire them like every each of them do.
What they never knew is they lifted me up. I've became more confident in my acting skills, it is all because of my gorgeous lecturer. I wanna start dancing again because some of them are dancers and yeah, they made my soul alive again. I wanna be brave to be able to sing in front of at least 2 people, cause they inspired me to. I wanna be able to speak or voice out, cause they taught me to...indirectly. i wanna thank them. Their existence made me a better person. I wanna keep moving forward. I wanna stop blaming myself.
What they never knew is what i can't tell them. All of these are what i wanna them to know. But, im just afraid they will listen now and forget about it tomorrow. That would be a fucking cycle of my pasts. Haha!
Oh wait! I thought this post is suppose to be about holidays! Haha! I'm so sorry.
And hmm...this holiday, I don't think I will be going anywhere.. my life is plain boring.
So, yeah..ermm.. HAPPY HOLIDAY! AND DO TAKE CARE! THANK YOU FOR READING MY LAME POST.
IF ANY OF YOU READ THIS POST TILL THIS VERY END, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY, YOU ARE AWESOME! =P
And you care...
So, it's Decemberrrrrrrrr!!
I know, you guys haven't heard from me for so longggggg.... where have I been?
I was just busy with all my assignments and projects and yes, DRAMA!! Drama onstage and drama offstage.
Okey, I'm now in a quite awful university, but with awesome new friends, especially my drama friends. I love them so much. ❤
But friends from my major course...they're ermm...some of them are nice. Others are just, not even friends..i mean i haven't consider them as my friends =P idk...i mean we know we are classmates, but never say hi or what shits. We ignore each other. And some of them, i never knew they exist and are in the same course with me. So, oh well... im not a friendly kind of person as well. Can't blame them for that.
I have a lot of things to share about my drama friends...so should i say family? They are all lovely. Sometimes i dont feel i fit in here...but, they do make me feel i do, sometimes...in a way...indirectly...without their notice... but i do enjoy hanging around with them. Yeeep! Damn, i can talk about each one of them..i can write a 10 pages essay about them, or even a book! Wootsss!! I can write a book about them and what we did in class and about our rehearsals to out big performance and about we share food and about....and about...there's too much to share! XD
But whatever it is, i hope to know that i exist im their eyes and life. I hope im not invisible to them. I hope they love me for who i am. I hope to inspire them like every each of them do.
What they never knew is they lifted me up. I've became more confident in my acting skills, it is all because of my gorgeous lecturer. I wanna start dancing again because some of them are dancers and yeah, they made my soul alive again. I wanna be brave to be able to sing in front of at least 2 people, cause they inspired me to. I wanna be able to speak or voice out, cause they taught me to...indirectly. i wanna thank them. Their existence made me a better person. I wanna keep moving forward. I wanna stop blaming myself.
What they never knew is what i can't tell them. All of these are what i wanna them to know. But, im just afraid they will listen now and forget about it tomorrow. That would be a fucking cycle of my pasts. Haha!
Oh wait! I thought this post is suppose to be about holidays! Haha! I'm so sorry.
And hmm...this holiday, I don't think I will be going anywhere.. my life is plain boring.
So, yeah..ermm.. HAPPY HOLIDAY! AND DO TAKE CARE! THANK YOU FOR READING MY LAME POST.
IF ANY OF YOU READ THIS POST TILL THIS VERY END, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY, YOU ARE AWESOME! =P
And you care...
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Puppet.
Dragged around, or followed behind,
You and I, eye to eye,
What can you see in this smile of cries?
I have a friend, whom idk how we'd got sooo close that we even call each other brother and sister. I'm older than him, but he's taller than me. But he kept calling me a 'younger sister', and he calls himself the 'elder brother'. While I kept making corrections, I'm the elder one and he's the younger one (di di). Haha! We always argue about this and most of the time nonsense. I love to bully him and vice versa --"
The sad news is, he's leaving Brunei. Actually he'd been studying in the same university as I do, but he'd decided to leave for some reasons. He told us (my friends and i) his reasons and we understand a lot.
He has made a very brave and wise decision. So young, but able to think like an adult. Yaw bro! I respect his decision. SALUTE!
We'd agreed to may be, somehow, take Philosophy as our breath in uni, but HE BETRAYED ME!!! I kept calling him betrayer...non stop.... respected betrayer!
oh, uh..where was i? yes, It was damn sad to know he'll be leaving.
We, as in my other friendssss and I planned to have a farewell party for this brother of mine, at night. but had a lil bit of conflicts. cause most of them don't know what to bring. So, I was like fine. That's not a problem, cause this is a farewell party and not a fucking gathering. And idk why some of them are making this shit a big deal. So, ok fine.
Then, we have a conflict of where it should be held. Either at one of these people's houses or in a restaurant. and blah3...finally, restaurant wins. so, ok fine.
I was kinda pissed off of my friends who think that food is a fucking problem. Cmon, we won't fucking die for being hungry till the next morning. So, ok fine.
I'm now god damn broke and wanna save some money. Everyone was supposed to arrived at 6pm. But some of the arrived at 6.30pm. And me, the Queen AHAHAH! and my sis decided to be there at 7.30pm, but then we arrived at 8pm.
I've actually planned to go there late for a reason. Just one.To see if anyone will be worried and text me. While my sis, she's just stressed out about all those BS.
If one of my group members left, the others would be paranoid and kept asking or texting. But...an hour has passed, 2 hours have passed. Then, there's a text from my good friend. She's treating this brother of mine as her brother too. So yeah, our jokes and 'wifi' and connected hahahaha!!
She texted me. " Vaaaann..I miss you" and some sad emoticon, and oh shit. I broke down right away. I don't actually know why I've cried. It wasn't because relief that someone cares, but oh....out of 18 people, only one texted me. Then, after a few minutes, another friend texted me, asking if I'm coming. and yeahh...you know what's next. yes, cried as well.
2 out of 18..haha! It's not that I don't appreciate. The two of them are going to the same uni as I do...so, they care, while the others even don't give a......oh no, they never give a shit about my existence. Idk why am I in this so-called group. I wanna get out and be on my own, but I love them.
I have a lot of stories on how they never even (try) to acknowledge me. I feel like a puppet. It's not that I'm a bitch trying to praise myself, but I think they want me here for my face only. FACE! not my attitude...I'm a substitute. A puppet.
And some of them only text or call me when they need a partner to join an event or whatever shit. Now I just realised that I always say 'okey'.
All these times I just wanted people to appreciate whatever I've done. Good things or bad, I just wanna people to remember me for that i do or did. But whenever(sometimes) when we, as a group talked about every each person's 'trademark', like my other friends..they're remembered for being a 'crybaby' or 'a person with lame jokes' or 'a sleepy head' or whatever...then when it comes to me, everyone shuts up, trying to think of something. Haha!
I'm feeling so small and useless and dead and a loser. But this smile is my god who helps me to cover up every dying emotions of mine.
Puppet, I've no soul,
Seeing black is all I've known,
Would you blow a soul to this life or take it away?
It's alright, I've died a thousand times...
When I arrived and we hung out, the asshole ( my di di) sat on the chair beside me and kicked my leg. He asked why did I come so late. I told him, I do whatever I want (jokingly ofcourse) and I told him that i've just came back from Bandar blah3...those are not lies.. I really came back from bandar and reached home at about 6pm.
But that's of course isn't the reason. hahaha!
Thank you for spending your time in reading my bullshits. muahh!! xo
You and I, eye to eye,
What can you see in this smile of cries?
I have a friend, whom idk how we'd got sooo close that we even call each other brother and sister. I'm older than him, but he's taller than me. But he kept calling me a 'younger sister', and he calls himself the 'elder brother'. While I kept making corrections, I'm the elder one and he's the younger one (di di). Haha! We always argue about this and most of the time nonsense. I love to bully him and vice versa --"
The sad news is, he's leaving Brunei. Actually he'd been studying in the same university as I do, but he'd decided to leave for some reasons. He told us (my friends and i) his reasons and we understand a lot.
He has made a very brave and wise decision. So young, but able to think like an adult. Yaw bro! I respect his decision. SALUTE!
We'd agreed to may be, somehow, take Philosophy as our breath in uni, but HE BETRAYED ME!!! I kept calling him betrayer...non stop.... respected betrayer!
oh, uh..where was i? yes, It was damn sad to know he'll be leaving.
We, as in my other friendssss and I planned to have a farewell party for this brother of mine, at night. but had a lil bit of conflicts. cause most of them don't know what to bring. So, I was like fine. That's not a problem, cause this is a farewell party and not a fucking gathering. And idk why some of them are making this shit a big deal. So, ok fine.
Then, we have a conflict of where it should be held. Either at one of these people's houses or in a restaurant. and blah3...finally, restaurant wins. so, ok fine.
I was kinda pissed off of my friends who think that food is a fucking problem. Cmon, we won't fucking die for being hungry till the next morning. So, ok fine.
I'm now god damn broke and wanna save some money. Everyone was supposed to arrived at 6pm. But some of the arrived at 6.30pm. And me, the Queen AHAHAH! and my sis decided to be there at 7.30pm, but then we arrived at 8pm.
I've actually planned to go there late for a reason. Just one.To see if anyone will be worried and text me. While my sis, she's just stressed out about all those BS.
If one of my group members left, the others would be paranoid and kept asking or texting. But...an hour has passed, 2 hours have passed. Then, there's a text from my good friend. She's treating this brother of mine as her brother too. So yeah, our jokes and 'wifi' and connected hahahaha!!
She texted me. " Vaaaann..I miss you" and some sad emoticon, and oh shit. I broke down right away. I don't actually know why I've cried. It wasn't because relief that someone cares, but oh....out of 18 people, only one texted me. Then, after a few minutes, another friend texted me, asking if I'm coming. and yeahh...you know what's next. yes, cried as well.
2 out of 18..haha! It's not that I don't appreciate. The two of them are going to the same uni as I do...so, they care, while the others even don't give a......oh no, they never give a shit about my existence. Idk why am I in this so-called group. I wanna get out and be on my own, but I love them.
I have a lot of stories on how they never even (try) to acknowledge me. I feel like a puppet. It's not that I'm a bitch trying to praise myself, but I think they want me here for my face only. FACE! not my attitude...I'm a substitute. A puppet.
And some of them only text or call me when they need a partner to join an event or whatever shit. Now I just realised that I always say 'okey'.
All these times I just wanted people to appreciate whatever I've done. Good things or bad, I just wanna people to remember me for that i do or did. But whenever(sometimes) when we, as a group talked about every each person's 'trademark', like my other friends..they're remembered for being a 'crybaby' or 'a person with lame jokes' or 'a sleepy head' or whatever...then when it comes to me, everyone shuts up, trying to think of something. Haha!
I'm feeling so small and useless and dead and a loser. But this smile is my god who helps me to cover up every dying emotions of mine.
Puppet, I've no soul,
Seeing black is all I've known,
Would you blow a soul to this life or take it away?
It's alright, I've died a thousand times...
When I arrived and we hung out, the asshole ( my di di) sat on the chair beside me and kicked my leg. He asked why did I come so late. I told him, I do whatever I want (jokingly ofcourse) and I told him that i've just came back from Bandar blah3...those are not lies.. I really came back from bandar and reached home at about 6pm.
But that's of course isn't the reason. hahaha!
Thank you for spending your time in reading my bullshits. muahh!! xo
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Crush crushed.
Hey there, every budeyhhh!!! =D
I'm fine, thank you! Pfft...as if you would ask =P
I'm just here to share about what I'm feeling recently. Oh Goshh.... wai wai wai... =/
I'll be in university (I hate this!) on 4th of August! =D <--- fake happiness. duhh...
and we had this orientation for a week, starting form 20th and ended at 26th of July.
AND
AND
ANDDDDD....
I have this secret crush (well, of course it's a secret...but not anymore?) on this guy! hahaha!
I never knew he exists or will be in this uni with me..until on 23rd July..we had this 'fun' ice breaking activities. I saw him passing by...this god damn far away tho. But he just caught my attention. LOL.
Sadly, we weren't in the same group. hmmmp! =/ But luckily we aren't in the same group or I'll be nervous as hell. And my shivering body( yuppp! It's was cold!) would stop shivering! hahaha! I bet you know how it feel when you see someone you....like?
Okey...then, everyone was about to go home..they're waiting to be picked up cause everyone's too lazy to drive~
And there he was standing like 30 meters away from me? D'= hahaha!
He's tall. Has dark hair. Doesn't look like a typical Bruneian. Hot (keke!). Doesn't look like one of those desperate guys. Doesn't look like one of those flirty guys....ohh..wait...... =X
I remember, it was on the 25th. When I was talking with my friends, laughing like shits. I turned and looked across..I mean on my left.. I saw him. He looked at me (?), smiling. !@*&@! How I wish? ='/ I hope he's not smiling at my friend HAHAAH! xP
Hmmp!! Idk what to think right now haha!
I have to keep telling myself my purpose of coming here. I'm here for revenge.
Revenge to those people who made me be so down.
Revenge to those people who looked down on me.
Revenge to those people who drowned me!!!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
I remember, it was love that lift me up...and it destroyed me. So, idk if I can hold on to this?
There's a problem again. Religion.
I don't mind (I guess). But my ancestors do...
It's hard..it's hard.
hmmppp! =/
I'm feeling sooo insecure right now.
Mix emotions right now. Hey, don't judge me yet. You've never knew what I've been through.
I'm sober now...I believe I am. I don't wanna go back to the past where shits get rough.
I believe some people understand these mix emotions of mind right now. haha!
I guess that's all. I know you're bored reading already.
BYES! hugs and kissesssssssss!! muahh!
I'm fine, thank you! Pfft...as if you would ask =P
I'm just here to share about what I'm feeling recently. Oh Goshh.... wai wai wai... =/
I'll be in university (I hate this!) on 4th of August! =D <--- fake happiness. duhh...
and we had this orientation for a week, starting form 20th and ended at 26th of July.
AND
AND
ANDDDDD....
I have this secret crush (well, of course it's a secret...but not anymore?) on this guy! hahaha!
I never knew he exists or will be in this uni with me..until on 23rd July..we had this 'fun' ice breaking activities. I saw him passing by...this god damn far away tho. But he just caught my attention. LOL.
Sadly, we weren't in the same group. hmmmp! =/ But luckily we aren't in the same group or I'll be nervous as hell. And my shivering body( yuppp! It's was cold!) would stop shivering! hahaha! I bet you know how it feel when you see someone you....like?
Okey...then, everyone was about to go home..they're waiting to be picked up cause everyone's too lazy to drive~
And there he was standing like 30 meters away from me? D'= hahaha!
He's tall. Has dark hair. Doesn't look like a typical Bruneian. Hot (keke!). Doesn't look like one of those desperate guys. Doesn't look like one of those flirty guys....ohh..wait...... =X
I remember, it was on the 25th. When I was talking with my friends, laughing like shits. I turned and looked across..I mean on my left.. I saw him. He looked at me (?), smiling. !@*&@! How I wish? ='/ I hope he's not smiling at my friend HAHAAH! xP
Hmmp!! Idk what to think right now haha!
I have to keep telling myself my purpose of coming here. I'm here for revenge.
Revenge to those people who made me be so down.
Revenge to those people who looked down on me.
Revenge to those people who drowned me!!!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
I remember, it was love that lift me up...and it destroyed me. So, idk if I can hold on to this?
There's a problem again. Religion.
I don't mind (I guess). But my ancestors do...
It's hard..it's hard.
hmmppp! =/
I'm feeling sooo insecure right now.
Mix emotions right now. Hey, don't judge me yet. You've never knew what I've been through.
I'm sober now...I believe I am. I don't wanna go back to the past where shits get rough.
I believe some people understand these mix emotions of mind right now. haha!
I guess that's all. I know you're bored reading already.
BYES! hugs and kissesssssssss!! muahh!
Friday, July 25, 2014
Self psychologist me
Hi gaiz!!! =P Miss meh?
Ok, I know it's a lame intro..hmmm.. ='/
Btw, I'm here to share my experience as a part time teacher in a primary school which I studied before! yay! x'D
It was a fun, tiring, stress and priceless experience. For real! =D
I've got the chance to 'observe' different personalities and different lifestyles that they're having.
Ok, I know it's a lame intro..hmmm.. ='/
Btw, I'm here to share my experience as a part time teacher in a primary school which I studied before! yay! x'D
It was a fun, tiring, stress and priceless experience. For real! =D
I've got the chance to 'observe' different personalities and different lifestyles that they're having.
The Playful ones; they are usually smart, but they have this god-damn active gene in them. They love attentions. They may be lazy, but once they settle down, they'll listen (for a while). You have to be there for them, ALWAYS! They are very adorable and really wants your attentions. They don't want to be scolded, they hate it. When you scold them, they'll rebel. How? Run around and play. So, don't waste your energy to scold them. I promise you, they'll listen when you talk nicely to them. =)
The Smart ones; They are smart. The End. haha! They can be quite annoying sometimes, cause they taught they can outsmart the teacher in a way, where they disrespect the teacher. SOME of them only, not all of them.
The Talkative ones; Ughh...these kids, they usually get bored very easily and out of focus. It's easy to get back their attentions though, but scaring them. hehe!
The Cute-Overload ones; They are always lovely. You will always love them. LOVE LOVE LOVE them! Some of them are very understanding. Sometimes, It seemed like they knew you have a bad day and they behave. They may be naughty sometimes...but unlike the Playful ones.
The Never-Understand-Anything ones; okey, these kids are really annoying cause you want them to understand and have a better future. EDUCATION MAN!!! but they never listen and when you asked them, all they would say is 'I don't know'. FULL STOP.
Okeyyyyyyyyy~ I think that's all =)
I hope you enjoy this post. Byes!
Sunday, May 25, 2014
She doesn't wanna share. HAHA!
Heyy yaww!
I'm here to tell a funny short story. It happened yesterday (24.5.14)...children's day.
My primary 1 students kept following me everywhere I go. It was tiring having to talk and answer their endless questions. T.T They would hug me with their sweaty...erm...sweat? haha! I was gross.. x( sorry..... There were a lot of my favorite students by my side at that time...from primary 1 to 4...the classes that I taught.
One of my primary 1 students, Vivi..suddenly she was idk..she just looked at me. Usually, everytime whenever she saw me, she would go " Hi Teacher vanessaaaaaaaa..". She did at first, and then she just looked at me. face frowned.
After that, the students had what's it called. The one that you'll jump in a sack. Jump. Jump. Jump! Vivi and her friends came to me. Then, Vivi told me "teacher, why many students like you? I don't like it. I cried just now." hahahaha!
I was like, "what the heckk..." I feel annoyed, but at the same time, I feel bad. ahhaha! Kids.. =) I was like that too when I was a kid. She reminded me of me.
Okey...after that...wait, this part isn't funny anymore..lol..
I was helping and watching and standing for 3 hours..and then, I got hungry. Plus, I wasn't me who'll be in charged. So, I'd taken a break with my friends. After that, I went up to the office to have some air-cond. ahah!
While I was resting, rather than looking at shits, I marked my students' books. I was then about 30minutes only I've rested.
Then, this teacher..she came up and said," vanessa, why aren't you helping? Why weren't you down there? Stop marking, you weren't suppose of mark the books. Today, we have to be down there (to the field)". I was like.....If only you fuckin' knew. Rather than arguing with her, I just nodded my head and went out. Don't wanna say much, since I'm gonna quit reaaaaaaaal soon! x'D
It was fun working there, but you'll get bullied sometimes cause you're new. So, yeah.... =)
I really hope that my students could get real great grades and show her my efforts. In her face!
I'm here to tell a funny short story. It happened yesterday (24.5.14)...children's day.
My primary 1 students kept following me everywhere I go. It was tiring having to talk and answer their endless questions. T.T They would hug me with their sweaty...erm...sweat? haha! I was gross.. x( sorry..... There were a lot of my favorite students by my side at that time...from primary 1 to 4...the classes that I taught.
One of my primary 1 students, Vivi..suddenly she was idk..she just looked at me. Usually, everytime whenever she saw me, she would go " Hi Teacher vanessaaaaaaaa..". She did at first, and then she just looked at me. face frowned.
After that, the students had what's it called. The one that you'll jump in a sack. Jump. Jump. Jump! Vivi and her friends came to me. Then, Vivi told me "teacher, why many students like you? I don't like it. I cried just now." hahahaha!
I was like, "what the heckk..." I feel annoyed, but at the same time, I feel bad. ahhaha! Kids.. =) I was like that too when I was a kid. She reminded me of me.
Okey...after that...wait, this part isn't funny anymore..lol..
I was helping and watching and standing for 3 hours..and then, I got hungry. Plus, I wasn't me who'll be in charged. So, I'd taken a break with my friends. After that, I went up to the office to have some air-cond. ahah!
While I was resting, rather than looking at shits, I marked my students' books. I was then about 30minutes only I've rested.
Then, this teacher..she came up and said," vanessa, why aren't you helping? Why weren't you down there? Stop marking, you weren't suppose of mark the books. Today, we have to be down there (to the field)". I was like.....If only you fuckin' knew. Rather than arguing with her, I just nodded my head and went out. Don't wanna say much, since I'm gonna quit reaaaaaaaal soon! x'D
It was fun working there, but you'll get bullied sometimes cause you're new. So, yeah.... =)
I really hope that my students could get real great grades and show her my efforts. In her face!
Thursday, May 22, 2014
How?
Yaw guys! Imma is backkk! It's been a while. So, umm..I'm feeling really great right now cause tomorrow is Friday! =D in Brunei, Friday and Sunday are holidays.
Which means, I won't be teaching. Plus, on Saturday, there will be sports day. it'll be fun...I hope x( I'll be darkER T.T shieeeeettttt!!
Recently, I found out there are quite a lot of students that like me and quite a lot of students that dislike me too! HAHAHA!
Some of them said my class is boring, some said it's fun.
Some of my students have really improved a lot! Like one of my students, Michelle is her name. She is in Primary/Year 3, but she doesn't know how to spell Primary/Year 1 words..like 'food', 'month' and so much more. Now, she would come to the front with 2 of her other friends (they are slow learner as well). I'm quite happy with it cause I knew instantly that I've done the right thing. Whenever Michelle sees me, she would hug me. I don't really like it tho..haha! but I appreciate it A LOT! =D
Some of them would always help me..they are like my allies. HAHAHA! 'My allies' really helped me a lot! LOVE THEM!
All the Primary/ year 1 students are about 6-7 years old. Primary/Year 3 --> 8-9 years old. Primary/Year 4 --> 9-10 years old.
Yeah, I'm teaching these classes.
There's this girl, Clare, Primary/ Year 1, she called me 'mama' hahaha! She would ask, "can I follow you?" or "can I touch your hand?" Sooo innocent and cute, but I don't really like it too. I allowed her to do so tho, IF she's not naughty..hmm.. --"
Vivi, Primary/ Year 1 too, she would always tell me she likes me and she would tell me that I'm pretty and all.. LOL!
Arsh, my favorite boy! Primary/ Year 1, he sang for me when I asked him too. Thinking of it, still makes me happy! haha! x'3
Waie, my favorite student, he is kinda ADHD-ish..for me tho. You can't scold him, cause he won't listen, but if you talk to him nicely, he'll do what you said. He's really cute. He's like a mummy boy and keep needing attentions. He'll do weird noises when he's bored or when he need your attentions. All his friends love him, but he's reaaaaaaaaaaaaally pain in the neck.. I still love him a lot.
Stepy, from primary/Year 4, she gave me this...the first or second month I worked as a teacher.
Inside, it was written "Teacher Vanisah, you are a great teacher!" LOL...she spelled my name wrongly...as how I pronounced her name wrongly HAHA! we're even!
I think that's all. The bad one, which sometimes really wanna make me fcking curse or strangle them, I don't feel like telling at all. Or maybe I will, but next time.
BYES! =D HAVE FUN READING!
Which means, I won't be teaching. Plus, on Saturday, there will be sports day. it'll be fun...I hope x( I'll be darkER T.T shieeeeettttt!!
Recently, I found out there are quite a lot of students that like me and quite a lot of students that dislike me too! HAHAHA!
Some of them said my class is boring, some said it's fun.
Some of my students have really improved a lot! Like one of my students, Michelle is her name. She is in Primary/Year 3, but she doesn't know how to spell Primary/Year 1 words..like 'food', 'month' and so much more. Now, she would come to the front with 2 of her other friends (they are slow learner as well). I'm quite happy with it cause I knew instantly that I've done the right thing. Whenever Michelle sees me, she would hug me. I don't really like it tho..haha! but I appreciate it A LOT! =D
Some of them would always help me..they are like my allies. HAHAHA! 'My allies' really helped me a lot! LOVE THEM!
All the Primary/ year 1 students are about 6-7 years old. Primary/Year 3 --> 8-9 years old. Primary/Year 4 --> 9-10 years old.
Yeah, I'm teaching these classes.
There's this girl, Clare, Primary/ Year 1, she called me 'mama' hahaha! She would ask, "can I follow you?" or "can I touch your hand?" Sooo innocent and cute, but I don't really like it too. I allowed her to do so tho, IF she's not naughty..hmm.. --"
Vivi, Primary/ Year 1 too, she would always tell me she likes me and she would tell me that I'm pretty and all.. LOL!
Arsh, my favorite boy! Primary/ Year 1, he sang for me when I asked him too. Thinking of it, still makes me happy! haha! x'3
Waie, my favorite student, he is kinda ADHD-ish..for me tho. You can't scold him, cause he won't listen, but if you talk to him nicely, he'll do what you said. He's really cute. He's like a mummy boy and keep needing attentions. He'll do weird noises when he's bored or when he need your attentions. All his friends love him, but he's reaaaaaaaaaaaaally pain in the neck.. I still love him a lot.
Stepy, from primary/Year 4, she gave me this...the first or second month I worked as a teacher.
Inside, it was written "Teacher Vanisah, you are a great teacher!" LOL...she spelled my name wrongly...as how I pronounced her name wrongly HAHA! we're even!
I think that's all. The bad one, which sometimes really wanna make me fcking curse or strangle them, I don't feel like telling at all. Or maybe I will, but next time.
BYES! =D HAVE FUN READING!
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Where you're at.
I'm sad to know the truth, but funny, I couldn't even shed a tear.
It has dried up years ago.
It hurts deeply at first, but it doesn't anymore. Well, maybe for now.
Maybe it'll hurt like hell again when He allows us to meet.
And I am ready.
I am ready to show you that I've moved on.
Dying for your love would never benefit anyone or anything.
Loss.
I've lost you.
All those dreams I dreamt of you and I against the world,
Has shattered before me.
They're just a dream. It doesn't have to come true,
Cause I'm giving up on you,
Cause you've let me go.
Now you've dreamt to be with her forever.
Now I'm dreaming to start anew, but can I?
Am I daring enough?
Have I built enough walls, to surround me securely?
Are those walls strong and tall enough to rely on?
Four years, I've waited.
If this is the final answer, I'll accept without asking 'why'.
Four years, I'm dying to ask why are where we are.
I'm dying to ask why you'd said 'I love you' at the first place.
I'm dying to ask you why you'd said 'I love you' every night.
I'm dying to ask you why you'd left me all of a sudden.
I'm dying to ask you if we could be how we used to be.
I'm dying to ask you if you ever missed me.
I'm dying to ask you if you ever meant what you've said.
I'm dying to ask you...... "Will you promise me to be happy?"
" I can't cry for you anymore. They've dried up years ago"
" I've moved on. Won't miss you at all"
"I'm happy where I'm at now. How about you?"
"I'm glad you did what you do. You're setting me free"
It has dried up years ago.
It hurts deeply at first, but it doesn't anymore. Well, maybe for now.
Maybe it'll hurt like hell again when He allows us to meet.
And I am ready.
I am ready to show you that I've moved on.
Dying for your love would never benefit anyone or anything.
Loss.
I've lost you.
All those dreams I dreamt of you and I against the world,
Has shattered before me.
They're just a dream. It doesn't have to come true,
Cause I'm giving up on you,
Cause you've let me go.
Now you've dreamt to be with her forever.
Now I'm dreaming to start anew, but can I?
Am I daring enough?
Have I built enough walls, to surround me securely?
Are those walls strong and tall enough to rely on?
Four years, I've waited.
If this is the final answer, I'll accept without asking 'why'.
Four years, I'm dying to ask why are where we are.
I'm dying to ask why you'd said 'I love you' at the first place.
I'm dying to ask you why you'd said 'I love you' every night.
I'm dying to ask you why you'd left me all of a sudden.
I'm dying to ask you if we could be how we used to be.
I'm dying to ask you if you ever missed me.
I'm dying to ask you if you ever meant what you've said.
I'm dying to ask you...... "Will you promise me to be happy?"
" I can't cry for you anymore. They've dried up years ago"
" I've moved on. Won't miss you at all"
"I'm happy where I'm at now. How about you?"
"I'm glad you did what you do. You're setting me free"
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
I'm glad you're happy now
Hey guys! hahahah! I'm broken hearted now.. ='p
I feel like crying, but I can't. Hahaha!
My godddd..... I've been waiting for him for 5 years now? and all I got is this?
Few days ago, I met him in a mall in my town. He was with a girl. She was like grabbing him for a while. They were walking to Mum's bakery haha! I was trying to put all those negative stuff out of my mind..like she's his.
And I guess, those negative stuff is true. =)
I hurts.
Then, I was browsing through my facebook inbox and saw this beautiful picture of him and a girl. I was beautiful, but it hurts me.
What if I.....
What if....
Hahahaaha! my godddd.....
I'm glad he found the one. I bet she's his everything.... =')
I hope they'll last forever! =D
It hurts.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Back fresh
Oh hiiii!
Uh....I never expect my cousin(s) would read this blog. So, Andy, if you're reading.........................STALKER! =p hahaha!
Just wanna update some..y'know...random shits kekeke!
Oh, about school stuff!
ok, it's been almost 2 months I've been teaching and so far so good, cause we get to understand each other better. I mean 'we' as the students and I. But those pain-in-the-ass students, what did I do when they're being such pain-in-the-ass? IGNORE THEM! =8)
I know, maybe it's a bad idea, but I hate kids and I also hate to persuade people (including kids...derrrr). So, I'll just let them rot! muahahaha! Jokinggggggggggg x'p
So...and erm...I don't think I'm gonna make a vid or a blog to share my poems ahahh! Idk why...
And I'll be going to uni read soooooooon..it'll start in August? I haven't have my interview yet..I think for those who applied need an interview. =S
I think that's all! Chaw and take care! =)
Uh....I never expect my cousin(s) would read this blog. So, Andy, if you're reading.........................STALKER! =p hahaha!
Just wanna update some..y'know...random shits kekeke!
Oh, about school stuff!
ok, it's been almost 2 months I've been teaching and so far so good, cause we get to understand each other better. I mean 'we' as the students and I. But those pain-in-the-ass students, what did I do when they're being such pain-in-the-ass? IGNORE THEM! =8)
I know, maybe it's a bad idea, but I hate kids and I also hate to persuade people (including kids...derrrr). So, I'll just let them rot! muahahaha! Jokinggggggggggg x'p
So...and erm...I don't think I'm gonna make a vid or a blog to share my poems ahahh! Idk why...
And I'll be going to uni read soooooooon..it'll start in August? I haven't have my interview yet..I think for those who applied need an interview. =S
I think that's all! Chaw and take care! =)
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Me again.
Hi guys.. I'm sooo sorry for not updating my shits. Internet sucks here. Like seriously. And I'm super busy with my works. Not school works, but school works =p hahah! heyyy, I'm a teacher! =) An teacher to my previous school, Chung Hwa.
I have a lot to say..but I'm scared that the connection will go off all of a sudden (what the hell?)..okey, I'll type real quick. =S
The first day WAS HELL! Everything or everyone was hell!!! hahaha! After having a beautiful break for 3 months, suddenly the principal called me. And I agreed and accept the job. Little did I know, it wasn't as I'd expected.
Some students are really adorable. Some are okey. Some are quiet. Some are reaaaaaaaaally talkative. Some are understanding. Some are crying babies. Some do not have fucking manners. hahaha! Ughh..Do you wanna know what's the hardest?
Ans: unable to swear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! T.T hahahah!
I have to act mature and all.. haha! No fun, no fun at all. I'm telling you.
The teachers there...they're very helpful and kind (I think) haha!
Gossips are something we can't avoid.
huh..I wanna share my experience to you guys. But thinking about it, already makes me tired --" fuck it all. hahaha!
Yes, I kinda regret accepting this job, but it actually gets better every week (I think). No matter how much I hate it, but I will promise you to teach them, to share my knowledge to them with all my heart.
Why? Because they will...no, they trust you and your teaching. And my teaching will help them and their future.
I think that's all. Will update you guys soon. Love you! =')
I have a lot to say..but I'm scared that the connection will go off all of a sudden (what the hell?)..okey, I'll type real quick. =S
The first day WAS HELL! Everything or everyone was hell!!! hahaha! After having a beautiful break for 3 months, suddenly the principal called me. And I agreed and accept the job. Little did I know, it wasn't as I'd expected.
Some students are really adorable. Some are okey. Some are quiet. Some are reaaaaaaaaally talkative. Some are understanding. Some are crying babies. Some do not have fucking manners. hahaha! Ughh..Do you wanna know what's the hardest?
Ans: unable to swear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! T.T hahahah!
I have to act mature and all.. haha! No fun, no fun at all. I'm telling you.
The teachers there...they're very helpful and kind (I think) haha!
Gossips are something we can't avoid.
huh..I wanna share my experience to you guys. But thinking about it, already makes me tired --" fuck it all. hahaha!
Yes, I kinda regret accepting this job, but it actually gets better every week (I think). No matter how much I hate it, but I will promise you to teach them, to share my knowledge to them with all my heart.
Why? Because they will...no, they trust you and your teaching. And my teaching will help them and their future.
I think that's all. Will update you guys soon. Love you! =')
Saturday, February 8, 2014
They talk about SMART; discriminate the LAST
Hi guys! Whatsup? =) Sorry for not updating(?) Hoho! Btw, I've gotten my 'A' level result and it didn't come well. It wasn't what I've expected...I have higher expectations, my tutors too, they have high(er) expectations from me, but I guess I'd let them down ='(
My mum didn't really give a crap. She said that what matters is that I have enough credits(points) to enter university. And guess what? ='( I"VE REACHED THAT STANDARD! =D So yayyy!! I'm going to uni! x')
I kindaaaaaaa aimed to go for scholarship, but....hmmm...nevermind. We can get scholarships even when we're in uni.......if we get GREAT grades!
It's embarrassed for me to say this but, I got a fcukinnn' 'e' for my GP! I was..no, I'm shocked and my tutor too. I normally get a 'b' for my GP(General Paper) and lowest will be 'c' (but I guess not anymore) F it!
We have this so-called Paper2..data analysis..it's bout surgeon and blah3. In my country, surgeon means the person who does the surgery, but in ermm...other places, surgeon means the operation room (am I right?). I knew that AFTER my exam! damn...
So yeah, because I'm not the brighty brightie bright so bright student, can you believe me? it's like all damn tutors just ignore my existence.. Haha! maybe not just me... I'm better than the good ones. But I'm thinking..what about the ones who are worse than my result?
In brunei, it's like the opposite of the western country. Here, we only have money, position and education level to gain respect. No celebrities, no writer, no damn actors can make you famous and gain respect from others. THAT IS SAD, YES I KNOW.
This is so unfair. but what can I do? I mean what can we do to change that since it's like a culture already. Pathetic.
Can you imagine, there's this tutor who I hated and hate so much since the first day I step my awesome leg into my school. He never make eye contact with, never talk to me, never face me...TOTALLY ignoring me. While he went all flirty shitty with my friends (guys and girls), make lame jokes and all. ughh.. And when he was briefing about scholarship shits (cause I was there..so I assume that he assumed that I'm smart and 'useful' to my country), for the very first time, he TALK to me...look at me and talk..F-ing explaining shits. But today, haha! shits happen again. It's as if......shit. The SAME all him is treating me like I'm some kind of species like him. F U.
He even embarrassed my bestie cause she's isn't what bruneians call "smart"...the stuff he told the whole class (indirectly) was suppose to be a secret, but he asked her aloud in class. Me and her, the subjects we take aren't similar at all. I'm in the science stream and she's in the business stream. She was soooo embarrassed about what that tutor have done to her. She texted me about it and I have to calm her down. Damn that tutor.
But I'll look whatever happen in a positive way, to motivate myself to be a better person. My dream is to be rich! Haha! Cause I'm tired of having to worry how much I've spent of stuff. I wanna build a house for my family, a house with large compound, without having to worry does it worth or not. I wanna donate my money to those who needs the most of the most.
Oh goshh..I think I've said too much nonsense here. Haha! Thankyou for reading these craps?
My mum didn't really give a crap. She said that what matters is that I have enough credits(points) to enter university. And guess what? ='( I"VE REACHED THAT STANDARD! =D So yayyy!! I'm going to uni! x')
I kindaaaaaaa aimed to go for scholarship, but....hmmm...nevermind. We can get scholarships even when we're in uni.......if we get GREAT grades!
It's embarrassed for me to say this but, I got a fcukinnn' 'e' for my GP! I was..no, I'm shocked and my tutor too. I normally get a 'b' for my GP(General Paper) and lowest will be 'c' (but I guess not anymore) F it!
We have this so-called Paper2..data analysis..it's bout surgeon and blah3. In my country, surgeon means the person who does the surgery, but in ermm...other places, surgeon means the operation room (am I right?). I knew that AFTER my exam! damn...
So yeah, because I'm not the brighty brightie bright so bright student, can you believe me? it's like all damn tutors just ignore my existence.. Haha! maybe not just me... I'm better than the good ones. But I'm thinking..what about the ones who are worse than my result?
In brunei, it's like the opposite of the western country. Here, we only have money, position and education level to gain respect. No celebrities, no writer, no damn actors can make you famous and gain respect from others. THAT IS SAD, YES I KNOW.
This is so unfair. but what can I do? I mean what can we do to change that since it's like a culture already. Pathetic.
Can you imagine, there's this tutor who I hated and hate so much since the first day I step my awesome leg into my school. He never make eye contact with, never talk to me, never face me...TOTALLY ignoring me. While he went all flirty shitty with my friends (guys and girls), make lame jokes and all. ughh.. And when he was briefing about scholarship shits (cause I was there..so I assume that he assumed that I'm smart and 'useful' to my country), for the very first time, he TALK to me...look at me and talk..F-ing explaining shits. But today, haha! shits happen again. It's as if......shit. The SAME all him is treating me like I'm some kind of species like him. F U.
He even embarrassed my bestie cause she's isn't what bruneians call "smart"...the stuff he told the whole class (indirectly) was suppose to be a secret, but he asked her aloud in class. Me and her, the subjects we take aren't similar at all. I'm in the science stream and she's in the business stream. She was soooo embarrassed about what that tutor have done to her. She texted me about it and I have to calm her down. Damn that tutor.
But I'll look whatever happen in a positive way, to motivate myself to be a better person. My dream is to be rich! Haha! Cause I'm tired of having to worry how much I've spent of stuff. I wanna build a house for my family, a house with large compound, without having to worry does it worth or not. I wanna donate my money to those who needs the most of the most.
Oh goshh..I think I've said too much nonsense here. Haha! Thankyou for reading these craps?
Friday, January 3, 2014
Cause you're on my mind
Hi guys.. How are you guys?
I'm kinda depressed right now. Haha!
I've (stupidly) listened to 'Say something - A Great Big World ft Christina Aguilera'
Ohhh damnn... at first I don't really understand the lyrics, but today I don't know why suddenly it hit me. I realised that those are the words I wanna tell him and how I've felt all there years.
Shieettt... I feel like dying right now. Haha! Goshh...
To those of you who have been broken hearted and unable to move on, just like me...
I hope..really, really hope you guys are stronger than I was...than I am.
I did have some random crush on other guys, but I'm just afraid to get close to them. Haha!
Why? cause I feel safe at my spot. Don't wanna move forward or backward. I'm safe... I'm safe.
Phewww! I'm feeling much better right now for typing these out. For now.
I hope you guys are alright. Take care! =)
I'm kinda depressed right now. Haha!
I've (stupidly) listened to 'Say something - A Great Big World ft Christina Aguilera'
Ohhh damnn... at first I don't really understand the lyrics, but today I don't know why suddenly it hit me. I realised that those are the words I wanna tell him and how I've felt all there years.
Shieettt... I feel like dying right now. Haha! Goshh...
To those of you who have been broken hearted and unable to move on, just like me...
I hope..really, really hope you guys are stronger than I was...than I am.
I did have some random crush on other guys, but I'm just afraid to get close to them. Haha!
Why? cause I feel safe at my spot. Don't wanna move forward or backward. I'm safe... I'm safe.
Phewww! I'm feeling much better right now for typing these out. For now.
I hope you guys are alright. Take care! =)
Monday, December 23, 2013
It's safer if you haven't text me at all
Hi guys! How are y'all doing?
I'm here right now, writing my blog cause my mind has jumbled up.
It was about 6pm when I looked at the text that he sent me..it was around 2pm?
I kinda had forgotten who he is cause I've deleted his phone number and all this text. Texts he'd written on papers, I've gotten rid some of them. He told me that he apologises for all the mess he'd done. Yeah, we've been ignoring each other all these time. That's the best thing we can go. I mean I can do after I'd pushed him away even though he told me that he'll try to wait. But it was less than a month or two. He found someone. They'd gotten along really well though there's some obstacles I know cause my friends told me so. It was kinda a childish problem..where the person who was close to the girl kinda threaten him by saying childish stuff. He's kinda the third person, but it wasn't his fault to fall for this girl. It's about the girl's choice. I told him before, and I hope he still remembers it.
so yeah, he's texted me and now my mind is really a mess right now. I don't know what to say. The funny this is..he said, " It's almost christmas, so i guess i'm brave enough to ask for apologise frm you".
What should I do? He apologised and asked me to do the same as well? Or was it me who think differently? Or am I correct? Or does he apologise cause it's almost christmas? Or does christmas needs apologies?
Oh God! It's better if he haven't text me or such.. I'm so lost right now.
Just now, before reading or knowing he would text me..my mind was thinking about my future, my life and how am I gonna improve my life and my family's.
If he's asking for forgiveness. He's asked the wrong person, cause I couldn't forgive him. I did push him away, but that doesn't mean my feeling is completely gone for a month or two. It hurts to see things I never expect to see. The toughest thing I have to do was to be tough in front of my friends and seeing my friends pretend too so that they won't hurt my feelings.
Why did I push him? Haha! cause I didn't trust his words he said. I've experienced such shits. And I was right..I never regret pushing him away..cause the result is clear after the one or two month.
Until now I have no idea what to say..Should I apologise cause I wanted to? or cause he asked for it?
I don't know! I don't know!
And the reason I'm putting this in my blog, it's because I don't wanna write it into my diary. It hurts to read it when I'm writing another problem of mine next time. I never wanna tell anyone about it, not my sis or my best friend(s). Never my mum.
Oh God..help me...
I don't wanna do this.
Why the fuck would he even text me? Asking for forgiveness because she told him to? Or was it because he's feeling guilty? Or was it because he's afraid of God's punishments? Or was it because he wanna be friends again? ( I know this won't be the reason tho)
I'd told him that I've forgotten everything and forgave him, but the fact is I'm too weak to do both of them. I'm so sorry. The anger hasn't fade yet.
I think I can forgive him for what he'd said to me..even the lies. But I can't forgive him on what I saw, when I was still.... I still can't.. I hate to see the guilty looks in my friends' faces..picking their words carefully or the 'oh no' looks they gave me when they accidently talked bout him..
Haha! What should I say? what should I reply him?
I'll feel guilty for not replying him..
I'm here right now, writing my blog cause my mind has jumbled up.
It was about 6pm when I looked at the text that he sent me..it was around 2pm?
I kinda had forgotten who he is cause I've deleted his phone number and all this text. Texts he'd written on papers, I've gotten rid some of them. He told me that he apologises for all the mess he'd done. Yeah, we've been ignoring each other all these time. That's the best thing we can go. I mean I can do after I'd pushed him away even though he told me that he'll try to wait. But it was less than a month or two. He found someone. They'd gotten along really well though there's some obstacles I know cause my friends told me so. It was kinda a childish problem..where the person who was close to the girl kinda threaten him by saying childish stuff. He's kinda the third person, but it wasn't his fault to fall for this girl. It's about the girl's choice. I told him before, and I hope he still remembers it.
so yeah, he's texted me and now my mind is really a mess right now. I don't know what to say. The funny this is..he said, " It's almost christmas, so i guess i'm brave enough to ask for apologise frm you".
What should I do? He apologised and asked me to do the same as well? Or was it me who think differently? Or am I correct? Or does he apologise cause it's almost christmas? Or does christmas needs apologies?
Oh God! It's better if he haven't text me or such.. I'm so lost right now.
Just now, before reading or knowing he would text me..my mind was thinking about my future, my life and how am I gonna improve my life and my family's.
If he's asking for forgiveness. He's asked the wrong person, cause I couldn't forgive him. I did push him away, but that doesn't mean my feeling is completely gone for a month or two. It hurts to see things I never expect to see. The toughest thing I have to do was to be tough in front of my friends and seeing my friends pretend too so that they won't hurt my feelings.
Why did I push him? Haha! cause I didn't trust his words he said. I've experienced such shits. And I was right..I never regret pushing him away..cause the result is clear after the one or two month.
Until now I have no idea what to say..Should I apologise cause I wanted to? or cause he asked for it?
I don't know! I don't know!
And the reason I'm putting this in my blog, it's because I don't wanna write it into my diary. It hurts to read it when I'm writing another problem of mine next time. I never wanna tell anyone about it, not my sis or my best friend(s). Never my mum.
Oh God..help me...
I don't wanna do this.
Why the fuck would he even text me? Asking for forgiveness because she told him to? Or was it because he's feeling guilty? Or was it because he's afraid of God's punishments? Or was it because he wanna be friends again? ( I know this won't be the reason tho)
I'd told him that I've forgotten everything and forgave him, but the fact is I'm too weak to do both of them. I'm so sorry. The anger hasn't fade yet.
I think I can forgive him for what he'd said to me..even the lies. But I can't forgive him on what I saw, when I was still.... I still can't.. I hate to see the guilty looks in my friends' faces..picking their words carefully or the 'oh no' looks they gave me when they accidently talked bout him..
Haha! What should I say? what should I reply him?
I'll feel guilty for not replying him..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)