Born to be different

Life.....
is never easy.
Life.....
doesn't always have a happy ending.
Life.....
is a challenge.
Life.....
is what God had given you.
Life.....
is not a joke.

I'm just jealous to see how a person could be so strong and smile sincerely everyday.
I hope to crawl under their skin and see what did they do to make themselves so happy.
Why can they? But why is it so hard for me to find my own happiness?
Stupid lil things could upset me a whole day...fake laughter, fake smiles, fake me....
Stupid lil things could cheer me up easily too.....
They come and go, like the wind...
Don't you think it's unfair for a person to be happy most of the time and has less problems to face, compare to a person who fuckin' hates their life cause life just sucks?

I hate waking up and started feeling down or empty and just hate everything! I feel pathetic!
It's difficult to remember anything that could cheer me up!
Cause at that time, all that comes to my mind are questions...
" Why me? "
" Why am I born? "
" What do I worth? "
" Why does God hate me so much? "

I know it doesn't make any sense for me to blame God......but.........I couldn't even understand why either...

You wanna tell and share to your friends or your families, but you find them not listening and not trying to help..
You're afraid to trust them.
You're afraid they'll laugh at you.
You're afraid they'll finger you.
You're afraid they don't believe you.
You're afraid you'll be such a nuisance .
You're afraid to feel scare......

I remember my friends used to laugh at me..I still clearly remember their laughter in my head..
I WAS JUST TRYING TO FIT IN! I BECAME A PIECE OF SHIT AND A JOKE TO THEM!
I hate to be judged! I hate to be laughed at! I hate to be who I am not! I hate trying to fit in!

When I thought I've found myself...
Hate myself.
Listen to screamo-s.
Turned colder.
Fall into a darker path....
I'm glad I'd found myself. I'm happy by then. I feel complete and home...
I was then called FAKE! I just couldn't understand why.
I couldn't understand what fuck do they what. I couldn't understand why they don't see myself like I do.

Wanna see who I was? This is who I was.... I swear that this is the first time I post this photo public...
This picture taken when I was around.....13..
I miss who I was...
I miss how crazy I was...

2008

2008

When I was 15, I fell apart...I'd changed
I'm into Gothic stuff...
Cause it's easier to fall....
As a teenager,
There's a lot of lesson to learn,
A lot of problems to face,
A lot of tears to shed....

Smile is just meaningless....
But I'd tried....

Nov 2010

2011

But now, I believe I've grown stronger....
I'm still trying to understand and to find the reasons....
Find the answers....

" Tomorrow is another day "

I apologise for being emotional here. I'm just screaming my heart out....indirectly....

So, for any of you who's facing the same problem as me...
Who changed because of you past,
Who hate cause no one trusts...
I've heard your silent screams....

We're different..
We're different from them...
We're born to be different...
It's hard to be different and to be accepted...

We just want to be accepted...

This is why;
We have to learn to accept ourselves...
We have to learn to forgive ourselves...
We have to learn to find ourselves...
We have to learn to blame ourselves...
We have to learn to stop hating ourselves...
Stop trying to fit in...
Just be who we are...

I'm telling you these and I' telling myself too....