Where have you been?

Hi guys! ^^

Yesterday, I've decided to text him...but when I asked advice from my friend yesterday, she told me it's better if I concentrate on my upcoming progress test first which will be tomorrow. So, after a second thought, I'd done what she'd advised me cause it's true..the progress is more important.

Then, yay! today is today..but I've decided to not text him at all..I'm just scared that I'm not prepared for everything. I'm afraid that he'll ignore my text like he always did before....before the sudden changes in him made him this way... =/

*sigh* I really really wish that he'll put all his ego away.. How I wish he'll text me first like he used to 3 years ago.. I still remember his first text hahaha! =')

But whatever it is...I just want him back, so that we can fix what we'd misunderstood last year, and we can be best friends again, where we can call each other names. That's all. I don't want him to be my lover or whatever is in his mind that day..I don't think is family wants it and I also don't think my family will agree with it..

And did you know why I'd told you that "let's be strangers again" ? Cause you kept avoiding me for the reasons I couldn't understand..but I've sorted them up few weeks ago. Anw, I said that because it seems you've fed up on me and need space, so yeah..I gave you what you've wanted.. and I wanna move on. That's so selfish of me...

" no, I'm too lazy to help you, bye, I'm out "

" I'm sorry, happy? "

"what do you want again?" haha! do you still remember those? You texted me those, which still hurt me until today.. I've tried to forgive you, but when I thought about it again and again, I seemed to hate you..but in the end I forgave you..and hate you and forgave you..it's been a cycle to me everyday. I just can't believe you'd said those shits I never wanna read..

So please, give me a sign and let us fix everything and be those two dumbass friends that share their secrets again.. Do you still remember a girl texted you, " I adore you..." and we laugh about it? hahaha! =') I miss that moment yaw!

If only you sincerely apologise that day.... If only you put your ego away... we would still be friends until today..haha! Anw, my apologises were really sincere for what I've said and done.

Please forgive me for what I've done in the past. I was naive and young.. and so were you.

Wtf? I'm saying this like you'll read them..pffftt.. Even if you do, would you talk to me again?

Eye to eye but....

Today 18/03/13, I met him again...but this time, he seemed like he'd let go of our tangled past between us. He seemed like he'd moved on......so easily. I was in agony for 2 years..and this is the third year, but slowly..I know I'm stronger. I'm glad I met a strong man...haha! but yeah, it was all over. It was just a one side love?
All those words he said to me were just jokes I guess?

I'm just glad that he did try to get close to me and my friend. I don't care what his intentions are.. I'm just glad that he's not as awkward as what everyone thought he is HAHA!

And he was about to go home, I passed by us and we looked eye to eye...but no words exchanged...I did repeat what my friend said, " you're going home? " he just nods his head... then we show his fist to aaaa what it's called? 'bum'?? 'buuuuum'??? nehh..but I bet you know when 2 friends greet with the fist.. NO NO! not fist fight ahah! but yeahh... and I showed my fist too, but then his fist turned into a 'hi-5'-ish and then used it to cover my fist? hahaha! I guess that's how we shake hands?
About my friend? Lets not talk bout it..it's not important =9 =9 hahaha!

Mie, read my tweets and she's happy for me. She told me that she's really happy knowing that I'm happy. I am happy if I'm letting all my feelings flow, but I built wall between me and him...and other people.. I hate to feel broken..well who doesn't?
She told me that she knew I wasn't the all smiley and laugh-out-loud girl at school. I was just faking it.. haha! I love her =)

And oh, I'm glad he didn't let our past and fights a reason to avoid each other, cause if he didn't make a move in the first place, I would not.. it's not because I'm a girl so I won't..but I just won't because our past still linger in my head. He's just so mature =)

I guess that's all.... I've built a wall to prevent myself to fall for him again...^^

P/S : I noticed that I've used a lot 'but' haha! thank you for reading! =p

Our first meeting after 2 fcukin' years

Hi! I just wanna share some good news..that just happened just now =)

I was playing my game, badminton!!!! and I've been wanting my stupid racket's 'string' to break cause it's already 998% about to break...and YESSS!! my dream has come true! muahahahaha!! but sadly, I have no extra racket --" so yeah, I have to borrow my friends' rackets...sorry~~ =p

And I saw a damn tall guy wearing red (I was wearing red too tho =p) who looked so familiar to me..his heights..kept reminding me of HIM..the guy that....*sigh* I don't know why, but I kept looking or.......peaking at him..hoho! Then, the guy passed by me..at that time, I was 'back strok-ing' and didn't look up to see who the tall guy was..cause it'll waste my energy and 'ego' to see the person I don't wanna see. Then, my friends asked, "is that Jerry?" ofcourse, I'm not sure..I can't really see without my spec on.. so, I asked my another friend whether that tall guy is Jerry or not..and she said 'yes'.. and fuck! at that time I was playing..I mean competing..and I played like...URG! you don't wanna know. 
It was so hard to breathe and thousand of images kept repeating in my head..It was so hard to focus on the game. Our conversations and fights kept playing in my head...I feel like I would die. But kept telling myself that I have grown stronger and I need to keep my head high.

After the game has ended..I kept looking at Jerry, the guy that meant the world to me =') he hasn't really changed that much. He looked more muscular and his badminton skills are better. His hairstyle changed too.. while me, I'm just frozen in the timezone where........... He looked different and stronger..he's so fine..the guy with big dreams...

So I was playing stroke with my cousin, Vester..and I knew he passed my me again. I was damn tired. So, I'd asked Jun to play with Ves..and I'll be the empire~ and I saw him looking toward my direction..I didn't mean he's looking at me..I'm just saying TOWARD MY DIRECTION cause I can't even see without my spec..I can't see his eyes..I can only see his head turned for 3 seconds? hhaaha! I don't know..

His shirt was all wet, and he took off his clothes.. GAWDDD!! x'S how I wish HAHAHA!! my blurry eyes just spoil everything! So, I just looked away..it'll be weird if I look at him with his shirt off and trying to focus mt eyes --" weirdddddd..Put on an orange shirt and there he walked away.. ='/
" we didn't even greet each other ", my friend who seemed like having a crush on him said.. --"

I do sound like a stalker don't I --" well, it's not like what you think..it's just I don't wanna waste my chance on looking at him cause today was OUR FIRST MEETING AFTER 2 FUCKIN' YEARS ='/

And it was around 7 - 10 minutes till my friend's 'competing game' ended..I then quickly went out..pretending to need fresh air..but I knew he'd gone. So there I was, standing in the middle of the sport complex's door..on the stairs..hoping we'll meet again....

Then, a grey car passed by..my blurry eyes saw an orange shirt..and looked up to see the owner's face..and it's Jerry, looking at me and..I don't know how to explain this...ermm.... you know..if your friend that you haven't met for a long time saying 'hi' just by using his head...so that he'll look cool? haha! and yeah, I just raise my hand to say hi..but it's too late cause the car has passed by (oh, his friend was driving the car), but surprisingly he raised his hand too...
so yeah, I just went into the complex..smiling like crazy. But I kept telling myself that perhaps this is our last meeting...perhaps today was our goodbye. No words exchanged.

I've been waiting for this day. These are all God's plan, and thank God that...I love today 14/03/13. God has planning the right time for us... when I've grown stronger. I'm happy, but I know I have to let go. It really just a matter of time. It takes time for us to actually exchange words. I'll be waiting for that day. And I hope that he'll know that when we finally have the strength to do so, I've moved on.

I was really jealous where my friends saw him in Huaho...and actually talked...but, today is enough for me. I'll just wait...

What I really hate is he didn't accept my friend request at Facebook. I have no fucking idea whether him or my friend removed him... but whatever...what is done, is done. I've cancelled that friend request already tho... I just couldn't understand why he just wouldn't accept..he didn't even cancel it...at least if he does, I know what it means...

IF he's reading this, I hope he knows that I'm glad that he's doing so fine, tho I can see pain in his eyes when I looked at him, even tho I don't know why does his eyes looked so hurt..or who made his like that... I hope that he succeed in getting a degree and then marry this dream girl.. I've planned to study abroad..perhaps 4 - 5 years? cause I wanna take either till degree or till master..and I hope at that time he'd found the lucky girl =')
I hope that we'll forget and let go everything and start over by apologizing, and be good friends tho i know it won't be like 3 years ago...If you don't mind, please talk to me first, cause I never have the guts to start a conversation first...
And I would like to advice him to let down all his ego and never take things for granted, cause people will get tired eventually.. 
Choose your dreams, and break down all the wall of your pride. It doesn't worth anything.

Perhaps you never have any feelings for me, but you should know that ' I love you ' is not just a word for a girl. You shouldn't say it if you never meant it.

I'll miss you, my friend.

Me soundcloud-ing! =D

Yawww guys! what's up??

Just stop by to 'show off' that finally I have the courage to sing (eventho it's just soundcloud --)...

Just a short cover~ ohh well =p

I just hate it IF the next day my friends will be like;

" omgg! I've heard your cover in soundcloud! " OR

" heyy, I didn't know you sing! " OR

" *giving the look* " OR

" soundcloud " OR

" that girl sings in soundcloud...that's sooo wanna be "

HAHA! but I was 'dared' by my friend! I told him to do a cover on Evan Taubenfeld - Evan's way..and the last thing I knew, he really did a cover of it... =/ He's been nagging and waiting for 2 weeks (?) until I got the courage to be an optimist *URGG!!!*

anw, there it is! The end of the cover is a little bit messy..I really have no idea what'd happened o.O

https://soundcloud.com/vanleaster/emeli-sande-read-all-about-it

I hope youuu guys like it? =s

" But, there's a big but " <-- that's what my previous accounting tutor always say.. HAHA!

SOOOOOONNN..I will be doing a complete (or maybe short..depend on where the wind blows =p haha jk! ) cover of...perhaps Avril's or Pink's song with my friend, Aevie! >< she can barely wait too! It's always a matter or time before we can chill out and do a cover.. Exams are real soon too! D= damn annoying!!

Tired of.........keeping my head high

After feeling exhausted and sad, because I knew that I have to let him go.....NOTHING gets better! Today doesn't make anything better from yesterday! Everything and everyone is annoying to me!
Damn...I just need  to rest a while, but life never care how tired I was and I am..

I'm always trying to be a nice, strong and cool person to everyone.. there are times that I'm all low, weak and sad. No one cares about that...cause why would they?
Maybe you're thinking that I'm an annoying girl that complains everything..well, I've pushed myself off my limits and I really need to let everything go out of my chest..

Tired of helping people with their problems. Tired of giving people advice. Tired of these fake smiles I have. Tired of cheering people up. Tired of pretending that everything is ok. Tired of trying to make people smile or laugh. Tired of holding everything in. Tired of missing somebody. Tired of holding in my anger. Tired of staying strong. TIRED OF KEEPING MY HEAD HIGH.

How I really wish that someone will make me feel better without even knowing it. Without knowing how broken or tired I am.... Without knowing that I'm weak too...
I'm just a human...trying to fit in...
Like faking a smile will make everything better..

What I hate most is, people always push you off your limits.
What I hate most is, people never appreciate you for what you've done for them.

I believe some of you do understand what I'm feeling now....

They judge you for your mistakes and not your every single good deeds you've done in the past. People are blind!

They hate me cause I talk a lot when I'm hyper. I do TRY to talk a lot when I'm down, so that I sounded normal..but, fcuk it!
I'm a person that swears a lot...they got annoyed and some started to offend or 'scold' me..but do I give a damn? Well, no and never! If you can't handle me, so just get lost. I'm tired for not able to be who I am..

And yes, sometimes I did offend someone on purpose cause of what they'd done to me...if I'm not able to stay calm any further..oh yeah, my words are gonna hurt. But then, I regretted for what I've done.
But starting tomorrow, I'm not gonna apologise for what shieets I've said or done. Enough is enough.
I'm *sigh* I'm...really disappointed and TIRED.. I feel like giving up everything...

Hatred is all in my heart now...
Save me...

You left me broken

Hi peopleee! I would like to get rid of this confusing, mixed up feelings by typing...and typing.....
My best friend, Mie met him.....Jerry at Huaho and did talked bout his dreams.. She did that for me --" cause she'd heard rumors that he has a girl already..

Mie asked him bout...I have no clue how did she ask him..but she'd texted me.
" I have a good news! He doesn't have a girlfriend! He said he wants to study, get a degree, then find the girl then get married "
Hahaha! He's still as mysterious and funny like before.. =)

I remembered how he left me and never tell me the reasons why... There he drifted away... and on 28th April will be the third year of us knowing each other. I still can feel a little of the pain when he left me bleeding. I still can see the scars on my arm that I've cut years before... haha! fuck....
but I know I'm slowly healing... I've grown stronger, yet colder..
I'm still trying to fix all those broken pieces together with my bleeding hands...

Whatever it is..ahha! I'm trying to let go...I'm tired of telling myself that everyday.. but I know that is the right thing.. God never gave me a tiny chance to meet him..or if it's so...was that even him?

I just hope that he'll be happy with whoever he will be in the future...
I hope that he's happy without me =)

It's hard to let go, cause he's my first love hahaha! we're never together, but has been dating 2 years ago..

I have to move on..
I wanna start falling in love again..
Goodbye, Love! I've never regretted knowing you.. =) I wanted to wait, but you have to know that I couldn't wait forever... two months left to 3 years....It's been a while...

His smile...I'm falling for it...

So there he was, at the sitting at the back laughing with his friend.

He was at the very right side of the classroom.

I was sitting alone at the very left side of the classroom.

And there he was, smiling every time the tutor asks him a question.

There he was...his smile.. I'm falling for it..

I'd turned to look at him whenever he answers the questions.

Gawddd! His smile...

It brightened my day...

I still have the image in my head...but it fades day by day...

The next class we had,

His seat was empty...and his friend was lonely..

The tutor told us that, that day was his last day....

But it was my first day....

So that day was the first and the last time I met him...

His smile....I'm falling for it....

But I know I couldn't have him....

And I don't even know his name...