what I want.

So, like the title...
my sister asked me, what I wanted for my birthday.

I'm so old already gais.. T.T damnn...

Anyway, Idk what i freaking want. I mean, when she doesn't ask, there are a lot of 'oh, i want this', 'i want that'...but when it comes to the real deal. My mind went blank! Zzz...

I mean, it's not that I'm demanding, but everyone should have a special day...at least once a year.

I told her I wanna oreo cake. But actually I don't. Mai gadd...it's complicated.

But now I think I know what shits I want for my birthday. I want people to greet me, not only greet cause Facebook told you. Meanwhile, I think I should celebrate for not self-harming, for at least 2 years already bebeyhhh!! During my bday, I wanna eat all food I love without having to puke them all out. Yes, I'm sorry...but bulimia... that's where I am now. I wanna enjoy food from restaurants that I have never been. I wanna spend time, maybe at least 2 hours in the dinner table with my family, and not talking about school or future. I don't wanna hang out with friends, just family. I'm not really a family type of person, but when it come to my bday, my family is the one that is the most sincere one. During my bday, I wanna be appreciated. Fuck. No. Idk. Whatever. Thinking about this is killing me. Fuck.

I just wanna be myself. No bulimia shits. No whatever. U just wanna enjoy.

How about you gais? =)

I've shared my piece. Don't forget to share yours.

Chaw! =)

I'm back! happy hols! =)

Hi guys! Yeah, it is me again. Hmm..

So, it's Decemberrrrrrrrr!!
I know, you guys haven't heard from me for so longggggg.... where have I been?

I was just busy with all my assignments and projects and yes, DRAMA!! Drama onstage and drama offstage.
Okey, I'm now in a quite awful university, but with awesome new friends, especially my drama friends. I love them so much. ❤

But friends from my major course...they're ermm...some of them are nice. Others are just, not even friends..i mean i haven't consider them as my friends =P idk...i mean we know we are classmates, but never say hi or what shits. We ignore each other. And some of them, i never knew they exist and are in the same course with me. So, oh well... im not a friendly kind of person as well. Can't blame them for that.

I have a lot of things to share about my drama friends...so should i say family? They are all lovely. Sometimes i dont feel i fit in here...but, they do make me feel i do, sometimes...in a way...indirectly...without their notice... but i do enjoy hanging around with them. Yeeep! Damn, i can talk about each one of them..i can write a 10 pages essay about them, or even a book! Wootsss!! I can write a book about them and what we did in class and about our rehearsals to out big performance and about we share food and about....and about...there's too much to share! XD

But whatever it is, i hope to know that i exist im their eyes and life. I hope im not invisible to them. I hope they love me for who i am. I hope to inspire them like every each of them do.

What they never knew is they lifted me up. I've became more confident in my acting skills, it is all because of my gorgeous lecturer. I wanna start dancing again because some of them are dancers and yeah, they made my soul alive again. I wanna be brave to be able to sing in front of at least 2 people, cause they inspired me to. I wanna be able to speak or voice out, cause they taught me to...indirectly. i wanna thank them. Their existence made me a better person. I wanna keep moving forward. I wanna stop blaming myself.

What they never knew is what i can't tell them. All of these are what i wanna them to know. But, im just afraid they will listen now and forget about it tomorrow. That would be a fucking cycle of my pasts. Haha!

Oh wait! I thought this post is suppose to be about holidays! Haha! I'm so sorry.

And hmm...this holiday, I don't think I will be going anywhere.. my life is plain boring.

So, yeah..ermm.. HAPPY HOLIDAY! AND DO TAKE CARE! THANK YOU FOR READING MY LAME POST.

IF ANY OF YOU READ THIS POST TILL THIS VERY END, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY, YOU ARE AWESOME! =P

And you care...

Puppet.

Dragged around, or followed behind,
You and I, eye to eye,
What can you see in this smile of cries?

I have a friend, whom idk how we'd got sooo close that we even call each other brother and sister. I'm older than him, but he's taller than me. But he kept calling me a 'younger sister', and he calls himself the 'elder brother'. While I kept making corrections, I'm the elder one and he's the younger one (di di). Haha! We always argue about this and most of the time nonsense. I love to bully him and vice versa --"
The sad news is, he's leaving Brunei. Actually he'd been studying in the same university as I do, but he'd decided to leave for some reasons. He told us (my friends and i) his reasons and we understand a lot.

He has made a very brave and wise decision. So young, but able to think like an adult. Yaw bro! I respect his decision. SALUTE!

We'd agreed to may be, somehow, take Philosophy as our breath in uni, but HE BETRAYED ME!!! I kept calling him betrayer...non stop.... respected betrayer!

oh, uh..where was i? yes, It was damn sad to know he'll be leaving.

We, as in my other friendssss and I planned to have a farewell party for this brother of mine, at night. but had a lil bit of conflicts. cause most of them don't know what to bring. So, I was like fine. That's not a problem, cause this is a farewell party and not a fucking gathering. And idk why some of them are making this shit a big deal. So, ok fine.
Then, we have a conflict of where it should be held. Either at one of these people's houses or in a restaurant. and blah3...finally, restaurant wins. so, ok fine.

I was kinda pissed off of my friends who think that food is a fucking problem. Cmon, we won't fucking die for being hungry till the next morning. So, ok fine.

I'm now god damn broke and wanna save some money. Everyone was supposed to arrived at 6pm. But some of the arrived at 6.30pm. And me, the Queen AHAHAH! and my sis decided to be there at 7.30pm, but then we arrived at 8pm.

I've actually planned to go there late for a reason. Just one.To see if anyone will be worried and text me. While my sis, she's just stressed out about all those BS.

If one of my group members left, the others would be paranoid and kept asking or texting. But...an hour has passed, 2 hours have passed. Then, there's a text from my good friend. She's treating this brother of mine as her brother too. So yeah, our jokes and 'wifi' and connected hahahaha!!

She texted me. " Vaaaann..I miss you" and some sad emoticon, and oh shit. I broke down right away. I don't actually know why I've cried. It wasn't because relief that someone cares, but oh....out of 18 people, only one texted me. Then, after a few minutes, another friend texted me, asking if I'm coming. and yeahh...you know what's next. yes, cried as well.

2 out of 18..haha! It's not that I don't appreciate. The two of them are going to the same uni as I do...so, they care, while the others even don't give a......oh no, they never give a shit about my existence. Idk why am I in this so-called group. I wanna get out and be on my own, but I love them.

I have a lot of stories on how they never even (try) to acknowledge me. I feel like a puppet. It's not that I'm a bitch trying to praise myself, but I think they want me here for my face only. FACE! not my attitude...I'm a substitute. A puppet.

And some of them only text or call me when they need a partner to join an event or whatever shit. Now I just realised that I always say 'okey'.

All these times I just wanted people to appreciate whatever I've done. Good things or bad, I just wanna people to remember me for that i do or did. But whenever(sometimes) when we, as a group talked about every each person's 'trademark', like my other friends..they're remembered for being a 'crybaby' or 'a person with lame jokes' or 'a sleepy head' or whatever...then when it comes to me, everyone shuts up, trying to think of something. Haha!

I'm feeling so small and useless and dead and a loser. But this smile is my god who helps me to cover up every dying emotions of mine.

Puppet, I've no soul,
Seeing black is all I've known,
Would you blow a soul to this life or take it away?
It's alright, I've died a thousand times...

When I arrived and we hung out, the asshole ( my di di) sat on the chair beside me and kicked my leg. He asked why did I come so late. I told him, I do whatever I want (jokingly ofcourse) and I told him that i've just came back from Bandar blah3...those are not lies.. I really came back from bandar and reached home at about 6pm.

But that's of course isn't the reason. hahaha!

Thank you for spending your time in reading my bullshits. muahh!! xo

Crush crushed.

Hey there, every budeyhhh!!! =D

I'm fine, thank you! Pfft...as if you would ask =P

I'm just here to share about what I'm feeling recently. Oh Goshh.... wai wai wai... =/

I'll be in university (I hate this!) on 4th of August! =D <--- fake happiness. duhh...
and we had this orientation for a week, starting form 20th and ended at 26th of July.

AND

AND

ANDDDDD....

I have this secret crush (well, of course it's a secret...but not anymore?) on this guy! hahaha!
I never knew he exists or will be in this uni with me..until on 23rd July..we had this 'fun' ice breaking activities. I saw him passing by...this god damn far away tho. But he just caught my attention. LOL.

Sadly, we weren't in the same group. hmmmp! =/ But luckily we aren't in the same group or I'll be nervous as hell. And my shivering body( yuppp! It's was cold!) would stop shivering! hahaha! I bet you know how it feel when you see someone you....like?

Okey...then, everyone was about to go home..they're waiting to be picked up cause everyone's too lazy to drive~
And there he was standing like 30 meters away from me? D'= hahaha!

He's tall. Has dark hair. Doesn't look like a typical Bruneian. Hot (keke!). Doesn't look like one of those desperate guys. Doesn't look like one of those flirty guys....ohh..wait...... =X

I remember, it was on the 25th. When I was talking with my friends, laughing like shits. I turned and looked across..I mean on my left.. I saw him. He looked at me (?), smiling. !@*&@! How I wish? ='/ I hope he's not smiling at my friend HAHAAH! xP

Hmmp!! Idk what to think right now haha!
I have to keep telling myself my purpose of coming here. I'm here for revenge.

Revenge to those people who made me be so down.
Revenge to those people who looked down on me.
Revenge to those people who drowned me!!!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
I remember, it was love that lift me up...and it destroyed me. So, idk if I can hold on to this?

There's a problem again. Religion.
I don't mind (I guess). But my ancestors do...
It's hard..it's hard.

hmmppp! =/

I'm feeling sooo insecure right now.

Mix emotions right now. Hey, don't judge me yet. You've never knew what I've been through.
I'm sober now...I believe I am. I don't wanna go back to the past where shits get rough.

I believe some people understand these mix emotions of mind right now. haha!

I guess that's all. I know you're bored reading already.

BYES! hugs and kissesssssssss!! muahh!

Self psychologist me

Hi gaiz!!! =P Miss meh?

Ok, I know it's a lame intro..hmmm.. ='/

Btw, I'm here to share my experience as a part time teacher in a primary school which I studied before! yay! x'D

It was a fun, tiring, stress and priceless experience. For real! =D
I've got the chance to 'observe' different personalities and different lifestyles that they're having.

The Playful ones; they are usually smart, but they have this god-damn active gene in them. They love attentions. They may be lazy, but once they settle down, they'll listen (for a while). You have to be there for them, ALWAYS! They are very adorable and really wants your attentions. They don't want to be scolded, they hate it. When you scold them, they'll rebel. How? Run around and play. So, don't waste your energy to scold them. I promise you, they'll listen when you talk nicely to them. =)

The Smart ones; They are smart. The End. haha! They can be quite annoying sometimes, cause they taught they can outsmart the teacher in a way, where they disrespect the teacher. SOME of them only, not all of them.

The Talkative ones; Ughh...these kids, they usually get bored very easily and out of focus. It's easy to get back their attentions though, but scaring them. hehe!

The Cute-Overload ones; They are always lovely. You will always love them. LOVE LOVE LOVE them! Some of them are very understanding. Sometimes, It seemed like they knew you have a bad day and they behave. They may be naughty sometimes...but unlike the Playful ones.

The Never-Understand-Anything ones; okey, these kids are really annoying cause you want them to understand and have a better future. EDUCATION MAN!!! but they never listen and when you asked them, all they would say is 'I don't know'. FULL STOP.

Okeyyyyyyyyy~ I think that's all =)

I hope you enjoy this post. Byes!

She doesn't wanna share. HAHA!

Heyy yaww!
I'm here to tell a funny short story. It happened yesterday (24.5.14)...children's day.

My primary 1 students kept following me everywhere I go. It was tiring having to talk and answer their endless questions. T.T They would hug me with their sweaty...erm...sweat? haha! I was gross.. x( sorry..... There were a lot of my favorite students by my side at that time...from primary 1 to 4...the classes that I taught.

One of my primary 1 students, Vivi..suddenly she was idk..she just looked at me. Usually, everytime whenever she saw me, she would go " Hi Teacher vanessaaaaaaaa..". She did at first, and then she just looked at me. face frowned.

After that, the students had what's it called. The one that you'll jump in a sack. Jump. Jump. Jump! Vivi and her friends came to me. Then, Vivi told me "teacher, why many students like you? I don't like it. I cried just now." hahahaha!

I was like, "what the heckk..." I feel annoyed, but at the same time, I feel bad. ahhaha! Kids.. =) I was like that too when I was a kid. She reminded me of me.

Okey...after that...wait, this part isn't funny anymore..lol..
I was helping and watching and standing for 3 hours..and then, I got hungry. Plus, I wasn't me who'll be in charged. So, I'd taken a break with my friends. After that, I went up to the office to have some air-cond. ahah!

While I was resting, rather than looking at shits, I marked my students' books. I was then about 30minutes only I've rested.

Then, this teacher..she came up and said," vanessa, why aren't you helping? Why weren't you down there? Stop marking, you weren't suppose of mark the books. Today, we have to be down there (to the field)". I was like.....If only you fuckin' knew. Rather than arguing with her, I just nodded my head and went out. Don't wanna say much, since I'm gonna quit reaaaaaaaal soon! x'D

It was fun working there, but you'll get bullied sometimes cause you're new. So, yeah.... =)
I really hope that my students could get real great grades and show her my efforts. In her face!

How?

Yaw guys! Imma is backkk! It's been a while. So, umm..I'm feeling really great right now cause tomorrow is Friday! =D in Brunei, Friday and Sunday are holidays.
Which means, I won't be teaching. Plus, on Saturday, there will be sports day. it'll be fun...I hope x( I'll be darkER T.T shieeeeettttt!!

Recently, I found out there are quite a lot of students that like me and quite a lot of students that dislike me too! HAHAHA!
Some of them said my class is boring, some said it's fun.
Some of my students have really improved a lot! Like one of my students, Michelle is her name. She is in Primary/Year 3, but she doesn't know how to spell Primary/Year 1 words..like 'food', 'month' and so much more. Now, she would come to the front with 2 of her other friends (they are slow learner as well). I'm quite happy with it cause I knew instantly that I've done the right thing. Whenever Michelle sees me, she would hug me. I don't really like it tho..haha! but I appreciate it  A LOT! =D
Some of them would always help me..they are like my allies. HAHAHA! 'My allies' really helped me a lot! LOVE THEM!

All the Primary/ year 1 students are about 6-7 years old. Primary/Year 3 --> 8-9 years old. Primary/Year 4 --> 9-10 years old.
Yeah, I'm teaching these classes.

There's this girl, Clare, Primary/ Year 1, she called me 'mama' hahaha! She would ask, "can I follow you?" or "can I touch your hand?" Sooo innocent and cute, but I don't really like it too. I allowed her to do so tho, IF she's not naughty..hmm.. --"

Vivi, Primary/ Year 1 too, she would always tell me she likes me and she would tell me that I'm pretty and all.. LOL!

Arsh, my favorite boy! Primary/ Year 1, he sang for me when I asked him too. Thinking of it, still makes me happy! haha! x'3

Waie, my favorite student, he is kinda ADHD-ish..for me tho. You can't scold him, cause he won't listen, but if you talk to him nicely, he'll do what you said. He's really cute. He's like a mummy boy and keep needing attentions. He'll do weird noises when he's bored or when he need your attentions. All his friends love him, but he's reaaaaaaaaaaaaally pain in the neck.. I still love him a lot.

Stepy, from primary/Year 4, she gave me this...the first or second month I worked as a teacher.

Inside, it was written "Teacher Vanisah, you are a great teacher!" LOL...she spelled my name wrongly...as how I pronounced her name wrongly HAHA! we're even!

I think that's all. The bad one, which sometimes really wanna make me fcking curse or strangle them, I don't feel like telling at all. Or maybe I will, but next time.

BYES! =D HAVE FUN READING!

Where you're at.

I'm sad to know the truth, but funny, I couldn't even shed a tear.
It has dried up years ago.

It hurts deeply at first, but it doesn't anymore. Well, maybe for now.

Maybe it'll hurt like hell again when He allows us to meet.
And I am ready.
I am ready to show you that I've moved on.

Dying for your love would never benefit anyone or anything.
Loss.
I've lost you.

All those dreams I dreamt of you and I against the world,
Has shattered before me.
They're just a dream. It doesn't have to come true,
Cause I'm giving up on you,
Cause you've let me go.

Now you've dreamt to be with her forever.
Now I'm dreaming to start anew, but can I?
Am I daring enough?
Have I built enough walls, to surround me securely?
Are those walls strong and tall enough to rely on?

Four years, I've waited.
If this is the final answer, I'll accept without asking 'why'.
Four years, I'm dying to ask why are where we are.
I'm dying to ask why you'd said 'I love you' at the first place.
I'm dying to ask you why you'd said 'I love you' every night.
I'm dying to ask you why you'd left me all of a sudden.
I'm dying to ask you if we could be how we used to be.
I'm dying to ask you if you ever missed me.
I'm dying to ask you if you ever meant what you've said.

I'm dying to ask you...... "Will you promise me to be happy?"
" I can't cry for you anymore. They've dried up years ago"
" I've moved on. Won't miss you at all"

"I'm happy where I'm at now. How about you?"
"I'm glad you did what you do. You're setting me free"

I'm glad you're happy now

Hey guys! hahahah! I'm broken hearted now.. ='p

I feel like crying, but I can't. Hahaha!

My godddd..... I've been waiting for him for 5 years now? and all I got is this?

Few days ago, I met him in a mall in my town. He was with a girl. She was like grabbing him for a while. They were walking to Mum's bakery haha! I was trying to put all those negative stuff out of my mind..like she's his.

And I guess, those negative stuff is true. =)

I hurts.

Then, I was browsing through my facebook inbox and saw this beautiful picture of him and a girl. I was beautiful, but it hurts me.

What if I.....

What if....

Hahahaaha! my godddd.....

I'm glad he found the one. I bet she's his everything.... =')

I hope they'll last forever! =D

It hurts.

Back fresh

Oh hiiii!
Uh....I never expect my cousin(s) would read this blog. So, Andy, if you're reading.........................STALKER! =p hahaha!

Just wanna update some..y'know...random shits kekeke!
Oh, about school stuff!

ok, it's been almost 2 months I've been teaching and so far so good, cause we get to understand each other better. I mean 'we' as the students and I. But those pain-in-the-ass students, what did I do when they're being such pain-in-the-ass? IGNORE THEM! =8)
I know, maybe it's a bad idea, but I hate kids and I also hate to persuade people (including kids...derrrr). So, I'll just let them rot! muahahaha! Jokinggggggggggg x'p

So...and erm...I don't think I'm gonna make a vid or a blog to share my poems ahahh! Idk why...

And I'll be going to uni read soooooooon..it'll start in August? I haven't have my interview yet..I think for those who applied need an interview. =S


I think that's all! Chaw and take care! =)

Me again.

Hi guys.. I'm sooo sorry for not updating my shits. Internet sucks here. Like seriously. And I'm super busy with my works. Not school works, but school works =p hahah! heyyy, I'm a teacher! =) An teacher to my previous school, Chung Hwa.

I have a lot to say..but I'm scared that the connection will go off all of a sudden (what the hell?)..okey, I'll type real quick. =S

The first day WAS HELL! Everything or everyone was hell!!! hahaha! After having a beautiful break for 3 months, suddenly the principal called me. And I agreed and accept the job. Little did I know, it wasn't as I'd expected.

Some students are really adorable. Some are okey. Some are quiet. Some are reaaaaaaaaally talkative. Some are understanding. Some are crying babies. Some do not have fucking manners. hahaha! Ughh..Do you wanna know what's the hardest?
Ans: unable to swear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! T.T hahahah!

I have to act mature and all.. haha! No fun, no fun at all. I'm telling you.

The teachers there...they're very helpful and kind (I think) haha!
Gossips are something we can't avoid.

huh..I wanna share my experience to you guys. But thinking about it, already makes me tired --" fuck it all. hahaha!

Yes, I kinda regret accepting this job, but it actually gets better every week (I think). No matter how much I hate it, but I will promise you to teach them, to share my knowledge to them with all my heart.

Why? Because they will...no, they trust you and your teaching. And my teaching will help them and their future.

I think that's all. Will update you guys soon. Love you! =')

They talk about SMART; discriminate the LAST

Hi guys! Whatsup? =) Sorry for not updating(?) Hoho! Btw, I've gotten my 'A' level result and it didn't come well. It wasn't what I've expected...I have higher expectations, my tutors too, they have high(er) expectations from me, but I guess I'd let them down ='(

My mum didn't really give a crap. She said that what matters is that I have enough credits(points) to enter university. And guess what? ='( I"VE REACHED THAT STANDARD! =D So yayyy!! I'm going to uni! x')

I kindaaaaaaa aimed to go for scholarship, but....hmmm...nevermind. We can get scholarships even when we're in uni.......if we get GREAT grades!
It's embarrassed for me to say this but, I got a fcukinnn' 'e' for my GP! I was..no, I'm shocked and my tutor too. I normally get a 'b' for my GP(General Paper) and lowest will be 'c' (but I guess not anymore) F it!

We have this so-called Paper2..data analysis..it's bout surgeon and blah3. In my country, surgeon means the person who does the surgery, but in ermm...other places, surgeon means the operation room (am I right?). I knew that AFTER my exam!  damn...

So yeah, because I'm not the brighty brightie bright so bright student, can you believe me? it's like all damn tutors just ignore my existence.. Haha! maybe not just me... I'm better than the good ones. But I'm thinking..what about the ones who are worse than my result?

In brunei, it's like the opposite of the western country. Here, we only have money, position and education level to gain respect. No celebrities, no writer, no damn actors can make you famous and gain respect from others. THAT IS SAD, YES I KNOW.

This is so unfair. but what can I do? I mean what can we do to change that since it's like a culture already. Pathetic.

Can you imagine, there's this tutor who I hated and hate so much since the first day I step my awesome leg into my school. He never make eye contact with, never talk to me, never face me...TOTALLY ignoring me. While he went all flirty shitty with my friends (guys and girls), make lame jokes and all. ughh.. And when he was briefing about scholarship shits (cause I was there..so I assume that he assumed that I'm smart and 'useful' to my country), for the very first time, he TALK to me...look at me and talk..F-ing explaining shits. But today, haha! shits happen again. It's as if......shit. The SAME all him is treating me like I'm some kind of species like him. F U.

He even embarrassed my bestie cause she's isn't what bruneians call "smart"...the stuff he told the whole class (indirectly) was suppose to be a secret, but he asked her aloud in class. Me and her, the subjects we take aren't similar at all. I'm in the science stream and she's in the business stream. She was soooo embarrassed about what that tutor have done to her. She texted me about it and I have to calm her down. Damn that tutor.

But I'll look whatever happen in a positive way, to motivate myself to be a better person. My dream is to be rich! Haha! Cause I'm tired of having to worry how much I've spent of stuff. I wanna build a house for my family, a house with large compound, without having to worry does it worth or not. I wanna donate my money to those who needs the most of the most.

Oh goshh..I think I've said too much nonsense here. Haha! Thankyou for reading these craps?

Cause you're on my mind

Hi guys.. How are you guys?
I'm kinda depressed right now. Haha!
I've (stupidly) listened to 'Say something - A Great Big World ft Christina Aguilera'
 Ohhh damnn... at first I don't really understand the lyrics, but today I don't know why suddenly it hit me. I realised that those are the words I wanna tell him and how I've felt all there years.

Shieettt... I feel like dying right now. Haha! Goshh...

To those of you who have been broken hearted and unable to move on, just like me...
I hope..really, really hope you guys are stronger than I was...than I am.

I did have some random crush on other guys, but I'm just afraid to get close to them. Haha!
Why? cause I feel safe at my spot. Don't wanna move forward or backward. I'm safe... I'm safe.

Phewww! I'm feeling much better right now for typing these out. For now.

I hope you guys are alright. Take care! =)