Running

Heyyy whatssup?
Today I feel low and down, I really have no idea why...dammit.... I just feel lost and I have no idea what to do next..
This emptiness in me now needs blood for replacement...I think. That's the only way I can be myself again. Some people do it to be alive.. y'all have to understand. We're not trying to kill or hurt ourselves.. but honestly, that's the only way. It'll leave ugly scars, but, this time, everything is just ugly.
Breaking down to let go is never enough... while I'm typing these, I nearly into tears. Why? I don't know either. I bet it's not only me feeling this way tonight, but others too. I'm not encouraging, but this is the reality. We are just feeling empty.

I hope to feel better after blogging these, rather than telling people what I'm feeling right now personally or in statuses in Facebook or in Twitter. They might call me attention seeker or....I don't know......  If I wanna share my problems with my friends, but, I don't trust them to actually understand my situation...to understand me. I don't need their sympathy...that's just stupid and weak!! Gawddd... I'm just so confuse. Watssup with me? I really, really have no clue.

Last few days I feel so great and thought I'd grown stronger. I never thought I'll ever feel this low again, honestly. I just hate and hate and hate everything! I'd learnt to learn how to turn my sadness into anger, which I thought it might help cause these few days I really feel great. Since, anger could fade away easily, but this case, it's never the same. This anger just grows... fuck it!

I hate the friend that lied to me! I hate the friend that left me!
I hate myself for being such a weak shit! I hate myself for never being good enough!
I hate myself for being myself and everyone just hates me!
I hate the reality that I'll have to wake up from these nightmares!
I hate all these shits!! They're just rubbish!! EVERYTHING IS JUST RUBBISH!

And one good thing when I'm feeling down is, you can ask me to do whatever you need me to. I would just do it without any complain or questions. I don't even care to give a damn if it's right or wrong cause I'm not thinking. When my parents asked me to finish my chores, I'll do it without any complain, when I'm like how I am now. but in normal days, I'm just a rebellious daughter.

If I'm or we (people who's like me) feeling lost and empty, we have a cure...that is....what it is. Sometimes, when we're quite sober, there will be hesitation whether we're gonna do it or not. I swear, we never wanna hurt ourselves. We'd tried to think the happy things that come, but if the anger or sadness wins, we know what to do...
I never wanna disappoint my parents for being such a problematic daughter. I'd tried to stay focus and strong, sometimes we can't stand up once we fall...I know you know it.

I'm just typing what I'm feeling... not even thinking. To my friends that read this blog, I really, really hope that you would treat me like you used to.. Just forget what you've read. And I'm sorry that I've failed to be a good friend to you.