me and myself

" Heyyy guys! I was bored and suddenly this idea came into my mind. Why don't we compete in maths and mech? The bottom 3 will be punished "

And yeahh...that's what I said to my friends...I mean my group...
What I meant, what I really meant is, c'mon lets compete...so everyone will not wanna be the bottom 3. So, everyone will fight and work hard to not be the bottom 3. I was TRYING TO FUCKIN' MOTIVATE EVERYONE! THAT WAS MY INTENTION, but then, my idea of motivating my friends turned into misunderstanding and insult.
I really do not get it... until today I don't. This happened just yesterday...and I thought a good night sleep would change everything...would change my mood. But no, I'm still confused and wondering, what did I do wrong? I really don't know which part of my sentences above hurt... and yeah, 'punished' isn't that obviously to motivated my friends? Like who wants to get punished? No one! So work hard! And the punishments aren't like to be thrown into the fuckin' cell or being executed or being kicked out from the group... It's just, it will be something fun to do.

I've done this with my friends last year...or is it last 2 years... and there's no problem! We're not from the same class...., but everyone's fine....we're playing along. I couldn't remember if I still have the paper with me..................................................
Oh yeahh....I found it! It was in the box where I keep everything I had with my friends =) and all of us were having fun! I remember, one of my friend who joined this game.....she didn't fail the Religion subject ...well....she always fails that subject. And there will be punishments if she fails again...but, no, she didn't. And I'm glad this is a motivation to her =)
Oh I just remember, I'm not with my friends that I had last year.. Now, I have new friends...now is a different school...different personality haha! can't bring back what I had years before.. =')

I never, never, never see my friends as weak. NEVER! But yeah, one of my group members was offended. And we updated statuses, insulting each other. Then, I'd stopped...cause I don't want anything to get worse. Plus, he talked about my 'best friend' that talked shits behind me. and you know what? If she really wants me to fuckin' change my fuckin' attitude, she could just say it to my face, not behind me =) If YOU don't understand my intention, talk to me, not comment on the post where everyone would read and this might involved everyone!

" whatever bitch, I have no time for craps "
" Just say it, I'll listen =) "
" ohh..wait, lemme take some notes =D "
" All the matters is, God knows my reasons. I wouldn't give a damn what others think. People say and fight for what they think is true, without knowing the truth "
" Not a single fuck will be given "
" I'll let you say whatever you want. This time, I won't try to make things right. Cause everything I say is wrong, so what for? ^^ "
" woootever yew saaaayyy~ ^^ "
So, yeahhh...that's what I'd updated as my statuses... I'll just take a step back =)


" So are you gonna tell anyone? Awww how 'mature' of you~ Tell you mommy too okey? ^^ "
" Someone is pissing off... Bitch c'mon, compare to what they feel, you should feel stupid, k? .l. "
" Look around you before you even start saying anything... Understand the situation k? "
" Owhhh... take note! 2x2=4, 2x1=0, 2x1=0 <----amount of f*** given..."
" Yeahh... I have problem calculating =3 "
" You can spot the irony of your own word right? "
" Haha.....look whos talking. Pissing you off~ xD "
" Isn't it the same as your bestfriend's intention for you? Someone is trying to change your harsh and cynical ways, okay? "
So, yeahhh...that's what he said...


I always update my Facebook or Twitter status about how I feel, cause I really feel better doing it, instead of telling my friends or my parents about how I feel... but then, hahaha! thank you mahn! thanks a lot!!

When I thought I'm okey, and I managed to walk out of my dark world, there will always someone try to bring me down. And one of the reason why I never tell anyone how I feel, because....THIS IS THE REASON!!!!
There will always be someone that claimed that they understand me, but then...hahaha! Shits happen. This is not the first time.....so, that's why instead of explaining and make things right, I'll just shut up. No one will listen. No one will ask. I'm already used to it. If I'm misunderstood, I'll just let it be. I wouldn't even try to make things right. Cause there's this term called Tired.

People will always try hard to bring you down. They'll never care how will you feel after wards. Me, I've hurt a lot of people, and I'm not gonna be the old me again... who will always say untrue shits just to make someone to feel bad about themselves and find revenge.... I've grown up a lil bit and started to learn that when someone's mad at you or they hate you, they will always try to bring you down. WILL ALWAYS! But I do not wanna do the same.. =)

Well, 
thank you for making me feel bad about myself,
thank you for making me feel bad about my existence,
thank you for bring up all those shits,
thank you for 'understanding' me,
thank you for claiming untrue things,
thank you for hurting me,
thank you for letting me to hurt myself
thank you for being an honest friend.... =)

If everything I say hurts a lot, you'll see the changes soon...
Yes, I admit, I hurt people with my words sometimes...or every time....unconsciously...but it's all because if you made me mad....it just happens...and only my dad knows why. I broke down when he told me about myself....I broke down cause he knows me well...
Yes, I admit, I'm rude and harsh sometimes......that's why when I was younger...in primary school, I hung out with my guys friends, cause I just couldn't fit in with the girls...they're just so sensitive and scream queen...gawdd...

Anything to add? ohh yeah, I do not blame anyone here, really.....cause yes, it's me...I'm a bad influence, a bad friend, an attention seeker, a freak, a fake, a bitch.......haha!
I wouldn't mind people calling me so, cause why would I waste my time trying to be whatever you want me to be? why would I try to change, when I'm glad I found myself? Why would I care about judgement, when all you know is my face? Why would I cry for those, when you never try to walk under my skin?

And my final point is, I won't change! Sorry =)
" Don't like me for who I am? Then, don't like me for who I am. And all you can get is who I am " - Avril Lavigne...

" You want me to change, but all I feel is strange " -Bill Kaulitz

But no worries, I will try to improve myself.... when any of you had improved yourselves. Simple =)
I'm sorry if I've offended any of you readers, I'm just saying my heart out..... I type a lot, I don't talk much... I love sharing my problems with people I don't know, rather than people that I know....or people I thought I knew...