Liars said, " Treat people the way you wanna be treated "

Hey, I'm back blogging again. Yes, I kept saying that I'm busy, but sometimes I feel like I need to write my blog cause I don't know. I have a journal, but I haven't touch it for quite a while. I don't wanna read what I've written there. I'm scared I'll be upset or mad, but I need to write or draw or cry? To let all these disappointments away.

Everything has changed. I felt betrayed, all the time. Now, I don't know whom to trust anymore. It hurts. History kept repeating.

Liars said, " Treat people the way you want to be treated "

Yes, I'm a rude person for some reasons from the past. I remembered that when I was like 5 or 6.. my mum bought these girly pink and plastic diamonds jewels that lil girls love. My sis and I, each of us had one. I remembered that we put them on happily. And I remembered how pretty she looked, she was really fair and cute and really lovely on them. While, I looked complete ugly on them, I was dark and ugly, just ugly. I think since that day I hate stuff like that.
And when I was 10 or 11, I saw a dress that I loved so much. It was really pretty and it was pink. I put on it, tried it before buying and it looked like shit on me. I hate it. I remembered how disappointed I was to be so ugly and dark. I can't be who I am.
When I was 12, I went to my tuition class. I wanted to fit in with my friends who were those girly ass with fancy shits. While, I always simple clothes. I remembered I used heels which belonged to my mum. It was pretty and it looked good on my feet. But it was quite old already. With my mum's permission, I used it to my tuition and I remembered we were climbing the stairs, me and 2 of my friends. Then, I heard whispers and giggles behind me cause I was in front of them. So, I knew they were laughing at those lovely heels.

Then, I met Avril Lavigne and she indirectly helped me to fit in. I mean, she helped me to be who I am. Rude and hateful and crazy, but I'm happy with it. I don't wear pink, I hate pink and shiny stuff. She inspired me, not my hating stuff. I hate those stuff (pink and shits) cause I really hated them since I was young already. She helped me to feel comfortable to wear simple clothes and all.

And because I can't really fit in with the girls group, I'd started to hang out with guys.

Now, I have my own group with guys and girls. I love them, but sometimes when I thought about it. I have a feeling that they hated me too because of my attitude. I felt as if I'm not important to them at all. In Jan, that was when my birthday is/was. I don't care if there's the stupid cake or not. All that matters for me is their greetings. I don't care if it's thought facebook or twitter or texts or face-to-face, I love greetings. Then, I have this friend who kept saying, " Go home and eat lot and lot of cakes! happy birthday! " I was thinking what did she mean. I reached home and there's no cake, so do you need to say that? It's annoying. If you guys didn't even care about my existence, don't even pretend like you guys do. WTF?

My have or had this so called best friend who back stabbed me. Well done. At last she let all those hateful stuff out of me mouth just because I texted her, " .l.(--)" ". If you're my so called best friend, you should understand me. so, since that day, I knew who she is. She hated me for who I am, but I don't care.

Then, I have this lame so called best friend who I don't know how we'd became close. She's a pain in the neck. She did something unforgivable, but it wasn't really her fault. She got pregnant cause she fucked with some random guy whom I don't know. She was 17 and she aborted it by eating pills. She asked me what to do and I suggested her to take some money from the guy. I asked her not to eat pills to harm herself, but guess what? She asked for my advice and forgiveness, but ended up eating pills already. I can't really sleep the first few nights because of that. I was disappointed cause how did I end up with these people? I chose my best friends very, very carefully cause  for me 'best friend' isn't just two words or someone who is close to you. Then, this year, few months ago, this girl, lied to her close friend (who is my friend) for money. She asked for a hundred dollar. I have no idea what to say and I don't know.
And last two years, this girl and my best friend, Mie and one of their friends wanna come to my house, but they were in the arcade (a small one) as I'm living in town, then this girl texted me saying that they will come to my house soon, but I've waited like I don't know. Then, the other, other, other day..I don't know how long the other day was, I've found an opportunity to ask me what happened that night. She told me that, 'this girl' said she wanna play some more and it's okey, just let me wait for them. I mean, cmon. So yeah, I think I've ended this friendship with 'this girl' on her birthday where i'd given her presents and greeted her, cause I told myself I don't need a friend like this.
When she wanna borrow my money, I lend her without hesitation, but this was all I got.

So, now this someone who has been my best friend for 5 years already.. i don't know why I felt as if I was betrayed by her. I tried to trust her cause I know she can be trusted. We were taking out driving lesson almost at the same time, but I'm few days ahead of her. Then, few days ago the one who's teaching us said that sometimes this someone will come for the driving lesson. Everytime, if we wanna drive, we will go together cause if you go there alone, it will really be awkward cause there will be a lot of unknown people. I did ask her that did she come for the driving lesson alone sometimes? and she said no cause yeah, because of the awkwardness. So yeah, but what? And yesterday, the 'tutor; told me that this someone had sit for her driving test, and if you passed the test, you will get you driving license. While, last night this someone said  that I'll get my license earlier than her cause she is busy with HariRaya stuff and she was jealous. So, I don't know now. I don't know whom to trust..Everytime I go for the lesson, I will text her or call her, but... I really hope the 'tutor' got confused and told me the wrong details cause I can't stand losing everyone I care.

I have this guy best friend who ignored me cause I cared about him too much. And I end our friendship on September, few days after his birthday. I fell for him and he knew it. That's why, and there's no point of being friends again when he kept ignored me. It hurt like hell. He, who I knew was different, who i thought was different from all my friends ended up throwing me away as well.

So yeah, I think I am the problem. I care to much and I've always waited like an idiot, while people took my kindness for granted. Wait, do I even have kindness in myself? cause people kept hating me. Sometimes I can't sleep, thinking what have I done and what can I do so people won't hate me.
Friends should know that I curse a lot and I'm rude. So, I don't know... I don't know.. I thought I've treated them alright, I always care for them. I'm always worry for them. When they need me, I'll try to help. They should accept me for who I am. They kept seeing my mistakes and craps, they never realised how often I'm always there for them. Damn. Damn.

I planned to study abroad so that I can start anew and forget the past, forget everything. I planned to forget who my friends are, but I can't I love them. I don't want them to say that I've changed without even knowing my story.

What's left in me worth to be loved?

" Man and woman should be treated equally "

Hey yaw! So yeah, I've decided to share what I've promised to you guys =) It's about the boy (my junior) in my school PTET who stood up for woman's right. His words are touching. Really. I don't mean his words are touching till my tears poured --" but believe it or not? There are students that cried listening to him.

Now I'm listening to Christina Grimmie new song (from her album With Love) - I Bet You Don't Curse God. You guys should listen to it. It's a BEAUTIFUL song =)

 So yeah..there was this function thingie and then orphan ( children without father or mother or both) were given money from the government. BUT only kid(s) without A FATHER were given the money. The ones WITHOUT mother were not given. Why? cause that is the rule.
Suddenly, a boy took the mic ( I don't know why and how at first cause I was busy talking to my friend about cakes and biscuit. hehe! We were hungry alright xp) and then he started talking. I didn't listen, instead I was annoyed. I was like 'WTH??' but then I don't know why, I started listening...He said something like...His english was kinda hard to understand..

" I talked to the principal, I asked him why do people without mum weren't given the money? He said 'because sometimes life isn't fair'. But this program, isn't it was suppose to support the orphans? The program is said to help the orphans. Orphans are the ones without father or mother or both, not the ones without father only. I gave the money to my friend who had lost his mother. I should have done it earlier. I have lost my father when I was a kid and I couldn't even remember his face. Man (father) and woman (mother) should be treated equally.. just like a tall tree and a short one, they should be treated the same.."

When he said the last sentence, I thought he was gonna say ' Tall tree and a short one, both could produce the same amount of fruits, so they should be treated equally.' I bet he meant to say that way tho.. And he apologised for his language used and the time he'd taken to give his speech.

I know there's more..but that's what I've heard and that's what I remember! URGG!! It's a lost! =(

I don't think he needs to apologise for anything. What he'd done is brave and right. May God bless him, this kind guy. He has a beautiful and sincere heart. YOU ROCK! lml

Trying to do something new!

Hey guys!! How are all of you? I hope you guys'd taken good care of yourselves? Haha!
If you are wondering about my health and all.. I'm fine and I'm getting 'healthier' which means I'm getting fatter. I did it on purpose cause I'm gonna stop growing (taller) next year. So yeah, I eat and eat and eat everything..cause who knows? =p And I purposely make myself look fatter cause I planned to do a healthy diet next year and I planned to gain four or six packs x) A lil is enough. Sooooo...I'll look different. I want the 'difference' to be obvious cause people always say I look the same all year round..I mean I never get fat or thin. 
Actually I did gain or lose some weights, but I always look the same. yayyy!! but buuuu for now! And if my friends or assholes call me fat..hahaha! I don't give a damn cause I have plan in mah mind! x)

Oh ya! From the title 'Trying to do something new' hmmm...I was actually thinking doing something different for my blog. I planned to sometimes maybe...post stuff you never knew about me. Why? cause I bet you know what 'just for fun' means and 'I love to do it in my way' means. If some haters find it annoying. who cares? I never asked you to read HAHA! Losers! =p

So yeah, my plan is like this.. I would sometimes (if I have to time):
1) post about myself (random shits)
2) post a short story (fiction) that I've written
3) post some song lyrics that I've written
4) post some poem that I've written
5) post fun stuff
6) post about my crushes or shitty love life haha!

So yeahh..that's all! =D and yay!!! I almost reach 1600 readers that viewed my blog or whatever it is called. I just don't know how to explain it..kakakaka!!

Byes peopleeee!! Love ya all!

Delayeddddd sorry x')

Hey guys! Lemme apologise for delaying the post I promised to update few days ago. lately, I've been really busy. Guess what? yesterday, I got my qualifying timetable and I just realised that the qualifying includes my A2 AND AS!!!! T.T I thought it only includes A2! GAAAAHHH!!! So, yeah I have to rush every shit out of shits! D=

So, maybe I'll post what had happened on 30/7/13 like what I'd promised! The 3 things that happened.

I guess, I got to go now. Sorry!
So, take care everyone! xD

my first car accident (minor..kinda)

Hi guys..so yeah..It was kindaaaa....scary of what had happened just now..(31/7/13)
My mum's car was in the workshop (it was being fix by my uncle actually...at his house). So, she asked my cousin who is like a brother to me to fetch us. Yeah, 'us' as in my sister, my friend and I.

We didn't know he was in the school area until he came and called us.
( We all went to the same school.. All of us are upper six student, expect my sister who is of course lower six student).
And....we went out of the school's area and he drove quite fast actually. He sped up cause he thought the U-turn is still far away. There were lots of cars queuing up at the U-turn...and the last car was actually at the 'main' road already and not the curvy-ish extra-ish road the U-turn area always has to stand by the car. Duhh....I don't know what I'm really saying, but I hope you guys understand? Haha!

Honestly, I didn't really see the last car (black car) in front of us..we didn't expect the U-turn to be so near.

So yeah, he tried to brake the car, but he didn't press or step (whatever you guys prefer) the brake strong enough. And I remember I was thinking.." ohh mahn..this is not good..shit shit shit! ". Then, BOOOOM! Crashed.

My cousin said, " Shit! shit! shit! I'm in a big shit!" He went out and do some discussion. He called his dad for some solutions which he is too panic to think. I wanted to go out of the car, seeing what's going on but I can't cause if I open the door...It will fly away or hit by another fast moving car. And that will be worst. really.

They handle it okey. The person who's car got hit was my sister's friend. Her driver was doing the driving. phewww....luckily.

I asked my sister and my friend of they were okey. My sister has a minor injury and my friend is okey. She was shocked tho. I mean EVERYONE WAS SHOCKED! She said with emotions (a lil bit of anger), "but this is my first time experiencing it!" and I was like "me too" (duhhhh --) But I didn't panic. I was just a lil bit nervous. I mean c'mon, shits happen. Don't underestimate them and don't exaggerate stuff.

So when he came in, he was still sounding shocked and a lil bit scared. He then said, "shit! I'm gonna be scold by my dad"

And the car my cousin drove isn't any car..it's BMW. His dad's favorite car. We went to the workshop which is owed by my cousin's uncle.

I went out of the car and finally I got to see the damage. On the right side, the glass (light's) were all scattered and the front part (right) were crashed. Luckily, the car is still able to move (duhh...thar is how we got to be in the workshop).

It'll cost thousand of dollars to repair the damage. His dad was fu.ri.ous. Then..blah blah blahhh...dadada..

My sister knocked her mouth to the passenger's seat and her lip(lower) is bleeding. But so far, no one is hurt. And yes, that is a relieve =)

My cousin kept apologising to all of us..which I kinda didn't expect cause you know...he's the 'trying-to-be-cool-ish type' but he did. I texted him, telling him that it's not totally his fault for not seeing the car. I just don't want him to feel so guilty. aww~ what a good cousin I am =3 HAHA! whatevaaaa.... =P

So that's all chaw!
And oh, our school mates happened to pass by and saw the damage car, and kept texting my cousin. Huh...tomorrow is the last day of the school term and I bet there will be lots of questions and curiosity being asked....but I'm just gonna pretend nothing happened. I mean 4 of us are gonna stay cool.

Damn...there's too much of shits happening in a day! 3 things! and I'm gonna talk bout them in my next post =) Nites!

Back to September. Back to the memories.

Now I'm listening to 'Back To December' by Taylor Swift. I don't know why I'm listening to this song. I go to Youtube and it suggested me and in the afternoon just now, my sister's best friend played this song in her phone and I don't know why I've started singing..I never knew the lyrics. Until just now, I realised how sad and beautiful the lyrics are. The pain started to build up again.

I know, there is a lot of people experiencing or have experienced this. I'm one of you guys.

I started to miss him again.

Why?? I don't know why. I guess I just miss his presence and jokes. He's irreplaceable. I just miss him. I hope to see him again, in the eyes..I wanna tell him I'm sorry for what happened between us. I wanna apologise for caring too much before. I wanna apologise for ending our friendship, it's all because I can't stand his absence and I found out he'd changed. He's never my side like he used to promised me. His lies were obvious. But I kept forgiving him.

I forgave him cause I thought he would realise and come back. But that never happened. His pride was more important than this friendship. I cried all night, and prayed, hoping he'll come back. But he never. Last two years was a tragic for me.

Sometimes I wish to be in a major accident, hoping he'll come and visit me, and regretted he took me for granted. I know it's stupid for me to have that thoughts, but this pain can't be compared to physical pain.

I think of him all the time. I had crush on hundreds or thousands of guys, but none of them is someone like him. I miss him.

I remembered that he wanna give me the necklace that he is wearing..but I don't know if he's still using it now... I drew a picture to him and he drew me one. And I chose the picture instead of the necklace. The picture I drew for him, I never gave it to him. In the picture I drew him, I've written a poem that came from my heart. The poem is about our friendship. I'd told him the poem and he loved it. But I never gave it to him....

But I guess he never wanted me into his life anymore. We'd met few months ago..after 2 years. I'd tried to talk to him...by texting him cause that's all I can do. Yes, I'm glad he'd replied but that's that. There's so many things I wanna ask and tell him, but I never have the chance cause, he is just himself. He doesn't reply after 3 - 4 texts...or less than that.

It was September, I told him that that will be the last time I'll greet him during his birthday. He was shocked and sad. I was sad and just sad..cause I can't take it anymore. But then, he just let me go. That is how our friendship ended. His pride.

I bet he blamed me as much as I blamed him. But we were so young and naive. I forgave him and I miss him. I wanted to....when I thought I'd moved on.. I never did. I can't.

I wish to meet him again. I know I can't turn back time. I can't change what had happened. We have our own way now. I wish at least we could at least fix this. I wanna fix this, but he never gave me a chance too. I guess, he's happy where and who he is now.

That day when we met, I laughed and smile a lot...those are fake. I just hope that he'll see how strong I've become since he's gone. I wanted him to see that I don't need him at all and the pain didn't have any effect at me at all. But those were never permanent. Here I am....missing those memories that I know wasn't really for me.

I hope he found someone to replace me. Someone who'll listen to him, someone who can make his smile or laugh....someone who can...........someone who he needs in his life.

I won't deny that it hurts the hell our of he saying these, but if he's happy, I'll try to be happy too....for him.

Someday, I hope I have the chance to just spend a day....just a day with him before one of us will be gone.

Back to September, I still remember the memories we had. And that was where everything ended as well.

I wish to go back to September and didn't tell you words that I've told you.

I hope to go back to September where you didn't let me go and you'll apologise.

I wanna go back to September and didn't care about you so much as I did.

If he understands why I always wanted to talk to him and still trying to fix everything, even though what we had between us is over. It's all I need to move on. I need the answers, not lies. I hate to live in lies. He never did give me the answers...lies are always there. He gave me lies which I try to accept and just move on, but I can't. Something kept telling me it's not right. It shouldn't be this way. Yet he'll just be gone whenever or wherever he wanted, leaving me here. I really need him to let me go with truth.

It's killing me. You have to understand.

It's like a dove in a cage. You put it under the biggest and safest tree and let it see the sky, telling it you've set it free. But you never open the cage cause you're keeping the key. You said that when it rains, you'll come back and get the dove, but you never did. You've forgotten that even the biggest and safest tree, it can't protect the dove from the cold wind and storm.

I miss you. I miss you saying 'I miss you'.

A song for her

I just wanna stop by, to tell all my readers that I love my best friend, Mie.

My bestie, Mie... She'd lost her mum back in 2007. That is, when we were 13 years old. Yes, her life is kinda upside down, but what I'm really glad is, she never really hesitate to tell me her problems...her family problems. Shouts, screams, tears, blood and trust..

It was 2008, when she lost her best friend, Yus, and I also lost mine, Fie.... so, I just wanna get to know this awesome girl, cause we're lonely. And surprisingly, we're damn close...until today. She calls me 'sister'. I always lose my best friend(s) every 2 fucking years...but yeah, Mie and my friendship has been 4 years!  =')

Back in 2010, we fought over stupid childish things...nehh..actually it was a lil bit of misunderstanding.. but that brought us closer as bitches ^^ HAHA!

She's a crazy girl, with some funny dreams.. I know, one of them is 'wanna be a part of Paramore member'. Describe her in one word? C-R-A-Z-Y. I mean seriously.. When I'm with her, I can be myself...I'm not afraid to be my ugly slef and stupid and random. What I love about her? Her personalities... no... I love her for being her... =) She's strong.... she's strong to face all the challenge tested by God. But no one is strong all the time... in life, there's ups and downs...

She broke a lot promises...again and again and againnnnnnnnn.... that really broke my heart into pieces, but I'm glad that she realised her mistakes and apologise. Yeah, I forgave her, cause I know it's not really a big deal, compare to what she'd lost.

It's 20/12/12, do you still remember how I ran to you and hugged you like we're lovers when we met in the airport? HAHA! Do you remember how we stupidly planned to meet and shop if we meet at KL...but when we finally meet in the airport back in Brunei? HAHA! That was gay! Do you remember the feeling when my mum hugged you? We all love you

So yeah, Mie, I would like to dedicate this song 'Darlin' by my favourite idol...If you don't........ I'll cry a South Brunei Sea!!!! HAHA!!

This is Van Leaster's cover yaw! T.T

This is soooooooooooo embarrassing!! I mean...this is so uncool.... cause well, people see me as an ego and cool person...so yeahhhhhhh....... -.-"

I hope you like it?

THIS HAS BEEN MY DRAFT FOR MONTHSSSSSSSSSSS....I CAN HARDLY POST IT BECAUSE I HAVE NOT DONE THE COVER. I DID IT ACTUALLY, I SANG MY HEART OUT. BUT THERE WAS A FAILURE IN THE INTERNET CONNECTION. SO YEAHH..MAYBE NEXT TIME? I SWEAR, I SANG REPEATEDLY..OVER N OVER AGAIN CAUSE THERE'S DISTRACTIONS...LIKE MY DUMBASS DOG KEPT BARKING OR THOSE STUPID MOTORCYCLE'S BOOOOOOMINB OR CARS VROOOOMING...FUCK THEM!