Hey, I'm back blogging again. Yes, I kept saying that I'm busy, but sometimes I feel like I need to write my blog cause I don't know. I have a journal, but I haven't touch it for quite a while. I don't wanna read what I've written there. I'm scared I'll be upset or mad, but I need to write or draw or cry? To let all these disappointments away.
Everything has changed. I felt betrayed, all the time. Now, I don't know whom to trust anymore. It hurts. History kept repeating.
Liars said, " Treat people the way you want to be treated "
Yes, I'm a rude person for some reasons from the past. I remembered that when I was like 5 or 6.. my mum bought these girly pink and plastic diamonds jewels that lil girls love. My sis and I, each of us had one. I remembered that we put them on happily. And I remembered how pretty she looked, she was really fair and cute and really lovely on them. While, I looked complete ugly on them, I was dark and ugly, just ugly. I think since that day I hate stuff like that.
And when I was 10 or 11, I saw a dress that I loved so much. It was really pretty and it was pink. I put on it, tried it before buying and it looked like shit on me. I hate it. I remembered how disappointed I was to be so ugly and dark. I can't be who I am.
When I was 12, I went to my tuition class. I wanted to fit in with my friends who were those girly ass with fancy shits. While, I always simple clothes. I remembered I used heels which belonged to my mum. It was pretty and it looked good on my feet. But it was quite old already. With my mum's permission, I used it to my tuition and I remembered we were climbing the stairs, me and 2 of my friends. Then, I heard whispers and giggles behind me cause I was in front of them. So, I knew they were laughing at those lovely heels.
Then, I met Avril Lavigne and she indirectly helped me to fit in. I mean, she helped me to be who I am. Rude and hateful and crazy, but I'm happy with it. I don't wear pink, I hate pink and shiny stuff. She inspired me, not my hating stuff. I hate those stuff (pink and shits) cause I really hated them since I was young already. She helped me to feel comfortable to wear simple clothes and all.
And because I can't really fit in with the girls group, I'd started to hang out with guys.
Now, I have my own group with guys and girls. I love them, but sometimes when I thought about it. I have a feeling that they hated me too because of my attitude. I felt as if I'm not important to them at all. In Jan, that was when my birthday is/was. I don't care if there's the stupid cake or not. All that matters for me is their greetings. I don't care if it's thought facebook or twitter or texts or face-to-face, I love greetings. Then, I have this friend who kept saying, " Go home and eat lot and lot of cakes! happy birthday! " I was thinking what did she mean. I reached home and there's no cake, so do you need to say that? It's annoying. If you guys didn't even care about my existence, don't even pretend like you guys do. WTF?
My have or had this so called best friend who back stabbed me. Well done. At last she let all those hateful stuff out of me mouth just because I texted her, " .l.(--)" ". If you're my so called best friend, you should understand me. so, since that day, I knew who she is. She hated me for who I am, but I don't care.
Then, I have this lame so called best friend who I don't know how we'd became close. She's a pain in the neck. She did something unforgivable, but it wasn't really her fault. She got pregnant cause she fucked with some random guy whom I don't know. She was 17 and she aborted it by eating pills. She asked me what to do and I suggested her to take some money from the guy. I asked her not to eat pills to harm herself, but guess what? She asked for my advice and forgiveness, but ended up eating pills already. I can't really sleep the first few nights because of that. I was disappointed cause how did I end up with these people? I chose my best friends very, very carefully cause for me 'best friend' isn't just two words or someone who is close to you. Then, this year, few months ago, this girl, lied to her close friend (who is my friend) for money. She asked for a hundred dollar. I have no idea what to say and I don't know.
And last two years, this girl and my best friend, Mie and one of their friends wanna come to my house, but they were in the arcade (a small one) as I'm living in town, then this girl texted me saying that they will come to my house soon, but I've waited like I don't know. Then, the other, other, other day..I don't know how long the other day was, I've found an opportunity to ask me what happened that night. She told me that, 'this girl' said she wanna play some more and it's okey, just let me wait for them. I mean, cmon. So yeah, I think I've ended this friendship with 'this girl' on her birthday where i'd given her presents and greeted her, cause I told myself I don't need a friend like this.
When she wanna borrow my money, I lend her without hesitation, but this was all I got.
So, now this someone who has been my best friend for 5 years already.. i don't know why I felt as if I was betrayed by her. I tried to trust her cause I know she can be trusted. We were taking out driving lesson almost at the same time, but I'm few days ahead of her. Then, few days ago the one who's teaching us said that sometimes this someone will come for the driving lesson. Everytime, if we wanna drive, we will go together cause if you go there alone, it will really be awkward cause there will be a lot of unknown people. I did ask her that did she come for the driving lesson alone sometimes? and she said no cause yeah, because of the awkwardness. So yeah, but what? And yesterday, the 'tutor; told me that this someone had sit for her driving test, and if you passed the test, you will get you driving license. While, last night this someone said that I'll get my license earlier than her cause she is busy with HariRaya stuff and she was jealous. So, I don't know now. I don't know whom to trust..Everytime I go for the lesson, I will text her or call her, but... I really hope the 'tutor' got confused and told me the wrong details cause I can't stand losing everyone I care.
I have this guy best friend who ignored me cause I cared about him too much. And I end our friendship on September, few days after his birthday. I fell for him and he knew it. That's why, and there's no point of being friends again when he kept ignored me. It hurt like hell. He, who I knew was different, who i thought was different from all my friends ended up throwing me away as well.
So yeah, I think I am the problem. I care to much and I've always waited like an idiot, while people took my kindness for granted. Wait, do I even have kindness in myself? cause people kept hating me. Sometimes I can't sleep, thinking what have I done and what can I do so people won't hate me.
Friends should know that I curse a lot and I'm rude. So, I don't know... I don't know.. I thought I've treated them alright, I always care for them. I'm always worry for them. When they need me, I'll try to help. They should accept me for who I am. They kept seeing my mistakes and craps, they never realised how often I'm always there for them. Damn. Damn.
I planned to study abroad so that I can start anew and forget the past, forget everything. I planned to forget who my friends are, but I can't I love them. I don't want them to say that I've changed without even knowing my story.
What's left in me worth to be loved?
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