Yesterday....... I had a heartache yesterday and hoping to feel better today. I'd texted my friend, my best friend I mean, but she a very slow (but in a funny way i guess) and turned everything I've said upside down..I'm not blaming her or anything. Not really in the mood, I really wanna talk to someone who will understand what I'm feeling. But oh well....
And today, I mean just just now, my mum asked me to read something in the newspaper..it's about 'words that hurt your parents feelings'.. yeah, me, hii....I'm....a rebellion daughter. A useless one. A pain in the ass one. The stupid and dumb one. Unlike my sister (younger), she's smart, talented, she can make my parents happy and proud of her (and this fcukin' family), she can cook, she can do lots of work.....
My sister, I love her even though I'm kindaaa always being compared by my parents. I wanted to be jealous and hate her with my life..but I can't, I love her. She's innocent.
I know I'm rude when I talk and all, but I did try my best to change that stupid attitude...no one noticed. Sometimes I really wish I never exist. Sometimes I wish I was blind. Sometimes I wish I was deaf. But if I were to be those, I'm unable to see, listen and feel the beauty and pain in life. I swear I've tried my best....why can't they notice? I've and is trying hard to make them happy and proud.... I've tried to study (but there's a lot of distraction). I mean I've forced myself to study. I'm not a smart student, but I'm a straight B student. oh well, and here come my sister who is a straight A student. And if we didn't get and A..they will said why not? Why the others could?
I mean, I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE SHITS! I don't understand why could they say such as if studying is easy. I ain't Albert Einstein or whoever! They NEVER appreciate! NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!
I'm really depressed right now. Fuck July...
To be honest, I did plan to run away from home and sometimes I wish I could kill myself. But I'm scared. I'm not scared of the pain cause I'm already in pain. I'm just scared that I have no where to go when I'm dead and I'm scared to being alone. I'm scared to see my families cry. And that kept my moving on......with hatred and sadness.
I'm scared of death, and wasn't it easier if I was never born? Maybe my parents won't be so sorry and bad about having me as their daughter. They never realised how much they'd hurt me, words or actions. I'm just keeping quite, though I want them to feel my pain. But I realised that I've caused their pain and I blamed them for my pain. Blames....
They've told me that my sis has always been special cause when she was little, she could open a lock door without any keys or hammers or shits. My parents couldn't open the door at all cause 'something' locked it. And there she goes, walked towards the door and 'click'.... and until today she's special. And I do not and never never hate her because of that. I know who I am. I know my limits. I know shits.
Well, who am I to them? I don't know.. they don't trust me. They don't....huh.... My dad hated me when I was little cause I cried a lot and my mum did try to suffocate me with a fcukin pillow when I was little cause I was just rebellious. Fcuk me.
And my dad once told me..it was last year or early this year... he told me that I'll be a better person if I try harder (in term of study)...then when we talked bout something else..I mean the topic changed a little, he said that I have limits and no matter how hard I'll try, nothing will change... ohhh dad, I'm confuse.. crap! I feel like crying right now.. ='( Stupid teary eyes.
I'm confuse.... I hate......I hate everything! but oh well, this fake smile should stick on my face every single day. I have to act all cool and cold even though those shits hurt.
I don't know how much they love me or....idk... or....how much they find me annoying.... I don't care...I don't wanna know..
No comments:
Post a Comment