my first car accident (minor..kinda)

Hi guys..so yeah..It was kindaaaa....scary of what had happened just now..(31/7/13)
My mum's car was in the workshop (it was being fix by my uncle actually...at his house). So, she asked my cousin who is like a brother to me to fetch us. Yeah, 'us' as in my sister, my friend and I.

We didn't know he was in the school area until he came and called us.
( We all went to the same school.. All of us are upper six student, expect my sister who is of course lower six student).
And....we went out of the school's area and he drove quite fast actually. He sped up cause he thought the U-turn is still far away. There were lots of cars queuing up at the U-turn...and the last car was actually at the 'main' road already and not the curvy-ish extra-ish road the U-turn area always has to stand by the car. Duhh....I don't know what I'm really saying, but I hope you guys understand? Haha!

Honestly, I didn't really see the last car (black car) in front of us..we didn't expect the U-turn to be so near.

So yeah, he tried to brake the car, but he didn't press or step (whatever you guys prefer) the brake strong enough. And I remember I was thinking.." ohh mahn..this is not good..shit shit shit! ". Then, BOOOOM! Crashed.

My cousin said, " Shit! shit! shit! I'm in a big shit!" He went out and do some discussion. He called his dad for some solutions which he is too panic to think. I wanted to go out of the car, seeing what's going on but I can't cause if I open the door...It will fly away or hit by another fast moving car. And that will be worst. really.

They handle it okey. The person who's car got hit was my sister's friend. Her driver was doing the driving. phewww....luckily.

I asked my sister and my friend of they were okey. My sister has a minor injury and my friend is okey. She was shocked tho. I mean EVERYONE WAS SHOCKED! She said with emotions (a lil bit of anger), "but this is my first time experiencing it!" and I was like "me too" (duhhhh --) But I didn't panic. I was just a lil bit nervous. I mean c'mon, shits happen. Don't underestimate them and don't exaggerate stuff.

So when he came in, he was still sounding shocked and a lil bit scared. He then said, "shit! I'm gonna be scold by my dad"

And the car my cousin drove isn't any car..it's BMW. His dad's favorite car. We went to the workshop which is owed by my cousin's uncle.

I went out of the car and finally I got to see the damage. On the right side, the glass (light's) were all scattered and the front part (right) were crashed. Luckily, the car is still able to move (duhh...thar is how we got to be in the workshop).

It'll cost thousand of dollars to repair the damage. His dad was fu.ri.ous. Then..blah blah blahhh...dadada..

My sister knocked her mouth to the passenger's seat and her lip(lower) is bleeding. But so far, no one is hurt. And yes, that is a relieve =)

My cousin kept apologising to all of us..which I kinda didn't expect cause you know...he's the 'trying-to-be-cool-ish type' but he did. I texted him, telling him that it's not totally his fault for not seeing the car. I just don't want him to feel so guilty. aww~ what a good cousin I am =3 HAHA! whatevaaaa.... =P

So that's all chaw!
And oh, our school mates happened to pass by and saw the damage car, and kept texting my cousin. Huh...tomorrow is the last day of the school term and I bet there will be lots of questions and curiosity being asked....but I'm just gonna pretend nothing happened. I mean 4 of us are gonna stay cool.

Damn...there's too much of shits happening in a day! 3 things! and I'm gonna talk bout them in my next post =) Nites!

Back to September. Back to the memories.

Now I'm listening to 'Back To December' by Taylor Swift. I don't know why I'm listening to this song. I go to Youtube and it suggested me and in the afternoon just now, my sister's best friend played this song in her phone and I don't know why I've started singing..I never knew the lyrics. Until just now, I realised how sad and beautiful the lyrics are. The pain started to build up again.

I know, there is a lot of people experiencing or have experienced this. I'm one of you guys.

I started to miss him again.

Why?? I don't know why. I guess I just miss his presence and jokes. He's irreplaceable. I just miss him. I hope to see him again, in the eyes..I wanna tell him I'm sorry for what happened between us. I wanna apologise for caring too much before. I wanna apologise for ending our friendship, it's all because I can't stand his absence and I found out he'd changed. He's never my side like he used to promised me. His lies were obvious. But I kept forgiving him.

I forgave him cause I thought he would realise and come back. But that never happened. His pride was more important than this friendship. I cried all night, and prayed, hoping he'll come back. But he never. Last two years was a tragic for me.

Sometimes I wish to be in a major accident, hoping he'll come and visit me, and regretted he took me for granted. I know it's stupid for me to have that thoughts, but this pain can't be compared to physical pain.

I think of him all the time. I had crush on hundreds or thousands of guys, but none of them is someone like him. I miss him.

I remembered that he wanna give me the necklace that he is wearing..but I don't know if he's still using it now... I drew a picture to him and he drew me one. And I chose the picture instead of the necklace. The picture I drew for him, I never gave it to him. In the picture I drew him, I've written a poem that came from my heart. The poem is about our friendship. I'd told him the poem and he loved it. But I never gave it to him....

But I guess he never wanted me into his life anymore. We'd met few months ago..after 2 years. I'd tried to talk to him...by texting him cause that's all I can do. Yes, I'm glad he'd replied but that's that. There's so many things I wanna ask and tell him, but I never have the chance cause, he is just himself. He doesn't reply after 3 - 4 texts...or less than that.

It was September, I told him that that will be the last time I'll greet him during his birthday. He was shocked and sad. I was sad and just sad..cause I can't take it anymore. But then, he just let me go. That is how our friendship ended. His pride.

I bet he blamed me as much as I blamed him. But we were so young and naive. I forgave him and I miss him. I wanted to....when I thought I'd moved on.. I never did. I can't.

I wish to meet him again. I know I can't turn back time. I can't change what had happened. We have our own way now. I wish at least we could at least fix this. I wanna fix this, but he never gave me a chance too. I guess, he's happy where and who he is now.

That day when we met, I laughed and smile a lot...those are fake. I just hope that he'll see how strong I've become since he's gone. I wanted him to see that I don't need him at all and the pain didn't have any effect at me at all. But those were never permanent. Here I am....missing those memories that I know wasn't really for me.

I hope he found someone to replace me. Someone who'll listen to him, someone who can make his smile or laugh....someone who can...........someone who he needs in his life.

I won't deny that it hurts the hell our of he saying these, but if he's happy, I'll try to be happy too....for him.

Someday, I hope I have the chance to just spend a day....just a day with him before one of us will be gone.

Back to September, I still remember the memories we had. And that was where everything ended as well.

I wish to go back to September and didn't tell you words that I've told you.

I hope to go back to September where you didn't let me go and you'll apologise.

I wanna go back to September and didn't care about you so much as I did.

If he understands why I always wanted to talk to him and still trying to fix everything, even though what we had between us is over. It's all I need to move on. I need the answers, not lies. I hate to live in lies. He never did give me the answers...lies are always there. He gave me lies which I try to accept and just move on, but I can't. Something kept telling me it's not right. It shouldn't be this way. Yet he'll just be gone whenever or wherever he wanted, leaving me here. I really need him to let me go with truth.

It's killing me. You have to understand.

It's like a dove in a cage. You put it under the biggest and safest tree and let it see the sky, telling it you've set it free. But you never open the cage cause you're keeping the key. You said that when it rains, you'll come back and get the dove, but you never did. You've forgotten that even the biggest and safest tree, it can't protect the dove from the cold wind and storm.

I miss you. I miss you saying 'I miss you'.

A song for her

I just wanna stop by, to tell all my readers that I love my best friend, Mie.

My bestie, Mie... She'd lost her mum back in 2007. That is, when we were 13 years old. Yes, her life is kinda upside down, but what I'm really glad is, she never really hesitate to tell me her problems...her family problems. Shouts, screams, tears, blood and trust..

It was 2008, when she lost her best friend, Yus, and I also lost mine, Fie.... so, I just wanna get to know this awesome girl, cause we're lonely. And surprisingly, we're damn close...until today. She calls me 'sister'. I always lose my best friend(s) every 2 fucking years...but yeah, Mie and my friendship has been 4 years!  =')

Back in 2010, we fought over stupid childish things...nehh..actually it was a lil bit of misunderstanding.. but that brought us closer as bitches ^^ HAHA!

She's a crazy girl, with some funny dreams.. I know, one of them is 'wanna be a part of Paramore member'. Describe her in one word? C-R-A-Z-Y. I mean seriously.. When I'm with her, I can be myself...I'm not afraid to be my ugly slef and stupid and random. What I love about her? Her personalities... no... I love her for being her... =) She's strong.... she's strong to face all the challenge tested by God. But no one is strong all the time... in life, there's ups and downs...

She broke a lot promises...again and again and againnnnnnnnn.... that really broke my heart into pieces, but I'm glad that she realised her mistakes and apologise. Yeah, I forgave her, cause I know it's not really a big deal, compare to what she'd lost.

It's 20/12/12, do you still remember how I ran to you and hugged you like we're lovers when we met in the airport? HAHA! Do you remember how we stupidly planned to meet and shop if we meet at KL...but when we finally meet in the airport back in Brunei? HAHA! That was gay! Do you remember the feeling when my mum hugged you? We all love you

So yeah, Mie, I would like to dedicate this song 'Darlin' by my favourite idol...If you don't........ I'll cry a South Brunei Sea!!!! HAHA!!

This is Van Leaster's cover yaw! T.T

This is soooooooooooo embarrassing!! I mean...this is so uncool.... cause well, people see me as an ego and cool person...so yeahhhhhhh....... -.-"

I hope you like it?

THIS HAS BEEN MY DRAFT FOR MONTHSSSSSSSSSSS....I CAN HARDLY POST IT BECAUSE I HAVE NOT DONE THE COVER. I DID IT ACTUALLY, I SANG MY HEART OUT. BUT THERE WAS A FAILURE IN THE INTERNET CONNECTION. SO YEAHH..MAYBE NEXT TIME? I SWEAR, I SANG REPEATEDLY..OVER N OVER AGAIN CAUSE THERE'S DISTRACTIONS...LIKE MY DUMBASS DOG KEPT BARKING OR THOSE STUPID MOTORCYCLE'S BOOOOOOMINB OR CARS VROOOOMING...FUCK THEM!

Hiiii! What to do?

source: internet

Hey guys!! I'm sorry I haven't really been updated my blog cause I'm really "busy" hahaah! why did I put " "? It's all because I still have...I mean always time for Twitterrrrrrrr!! =p

I've deactivated FB few days ago cause I can sit in front of my laptop for hoursssss....at least Twitter (I find it quite boring.. hehe!! No offence), I'll be browsing or scrolling for maybe an hour only.

So yeah, it's true, I'm busy actually. I've been fighting to get one or two or three A's for my A level. I'm just a straight B student..but I have confidence that I can get A(s). I believe, I have to believe in myself. I really think I can get A(s) tho..keke!

Oh, I'm taking Biology, Maths, Physics! =) My Bio and Maths...ARRGG!! I ALWAYS, ALWAYSSS almost get an A, but yeah...I've forgotten what I'd read and my carelessness is killing me too..

Now, I'm changing my way of studying. I was a top student when I was in high school, but my grades dropped like shits when I became playful (wild) and lazy. I hate pressure, and I tend to just give up when people (esp my parents hehe!) pressure meee!! But I really, really feel bad when my POA (accounting) teacher, who has faith on me.....For short, I disappoint her. I feel terrible.

So yeah, I'm changing my way of studying. Instead of laying (or is it lying? --") down on my bed and understand the whole pages ( that is how I study before), I write little and extra details down which I got from book or my tutors. I also wanna know things in more detail, like eventho it's not in our syllabus. I did this to get the logic and know what I'm reading better. I remembered that I find FB boring before (when I was in High school..but now I'm addicted to it), so this is why I've always deactive my FB and also Twitter when I've got serious in my studies.

When I'm stressed out (cause I couldn't understand what the hell my notes are trying to tell me)..instead of going online, I read my fav novel, that is House Of Night. So I'm not wasting my time. I read the novel too before going to bed, to make my eyes tired so I can sleep like a pig..keke! Cause I...... I mean my brain loves to 'think' EVERY TIME I'm trying to sleep!

source: internet
Well,  I'm a girl haha!

So yeahh...I think that's all! =D

Talk to you guys soon!

R.I.P Talia Castellano

source : Internet

I seriously had tears in my eyes when I saw this picture... R.I.P Talia Castellano..
I don't know why, but this picture really breaks my heart...

I hate CANCER! 

To be honest, I never really give a damn and I never understand why everyone is so sad when someone they knew or not, had cancer. I really never really care....cause, what's the big deal? It's cancer. But this tragic shit changed my narrow minded me and my life forever...
My teacher who thought me English language and she is also my ballet teacher...She passed away cause she has a cancer, beast cancer. I was really, really sad when I heard about it from my mum.
Since that day, I'm very aware of such stupid cancer that even exist in our life! I don't understand why good people die so early before they can really do something to the world.

WHY? ='( really, WHY??

What's wrong with July? *sighhh...

Yesterday....... I had a heartache yesterday and hoping to feel better today. I'd texted my friend, my best friend I mean, but she a very slow (but in a funny way i guess) and turned everything I've said upside down..I'm not blaming her or anything. Not really in the mood, I really wanna talk to someone who will understand what I'm feeling. But oh well....

And today, I mean just just now, my mum asked me to read something in the newspaper..it's about 'words that hurt your parents feelings'.. yeah, me, hii....I'm....a rebellion daughter. A useless one. A pain in the ass one. The stupid and dumb one. Unlike my sister (younger), she's smart, talented, she can make my parents happy and proud of her (and this fcukin' family), she can cook, she can do lots of work.....

My sister, I love her even though I'm kindaaa always being compared by my parents. I wanted to be jealous and hate her with my life..but I can't, I love her. She's innocent.

I know I'm rude when I talk and all, but I did try my best to change that stupid attitude...no one noticed. Sometimes I really wish I never exist. Sometimes I wish I was blind. Sometimes I wish I was deaf. But if I were to be those, I'm unable to see, listen and feel the beauty and pain in life. I swear I've tried my best....why can't they notice? I've and is trying hard to make them happy and proud.... I've tried to study (but there's a lot of distraction). I mean I've forced myself to study. I'm not a smart student, but I'm a straight B student. oh well, and here come my sister who is a straight A student. And if we didn't get and A..they will said why not? Why the others could?

I mean, I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE SHITS! I don't understand why could they say such as if studying is easy. I ain't Albert Einstein or whoever! They NEVER appreciate! NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!

I'm really depressed right now. Fuck July...
To be honest, I did plan to run away from home and sometimes I wish I could kill myself. But I'm scared. I'm not scared of the pain cause I'm already in pain. I'm just scared that I have no where to go when I'm dead and I'm scared to being alone. I'm scared to see my families cry. And that kept my moving on......with hatred and sadness.

I'm scared of death, and wasn't it easier if I was never born? Maybe my parents won't be so sorry and bad about having me as their daughter. They never realised how much they'd hurt me, words or actions. I'm just keeping quite, though I want them to feel my pain. But I realised that I've caused their pain and I blamed them for my pain. Blames....

They've told me that my sis has always been special cause when she was little, she could open a lock door without any keys or hammers or shits. My parents couldn't open the door at all cause 'something' locked it. And there she goes, walked towards the door and 'click'.... and until today she's special. And I do not and never never hate her because of that. I know who I am. I know my limits. I know shits.

Well, who am I to them? I don't know.. they don't trust me. They don't....huh.... My dad hated me when I was little cause I cried a lot and my mum did try to suffocate me with a fcukin pillow when I was little cause I was just rebellious. Fcuk me.

And my dad once told me..it was last year or early this year... he told me that I'll be a better person if I try harder (in term of study)...then when we talked bout something else..I mean the topic changed a little, he said that I have limits and no matter how hard I'll try, nothing will change... ohhh dad, I'm confuse.. crap! I feel like crying right now.. ='( Stupid teary eyes.

I'm confuse.... I hate......I hate everything! but oh well, this fake smile should stick on my face every single day. I have to act all cool and cold even though those shits hurt.

I don't know how much they love me or....idk... or....how much they find me annoying.... I don't care...I don't wanna know..

Heart is broken.......again

Hye....urmm....I'm kinda sad right now. No, I'm really sad, cause I've done illegal shit, that is falling for a guy who has a girlfriend already. And I'm really glad and I really like it how loyal he is towards her. I knew I shouldn't have done that, but my stupid fucking heart just.....I knew I shouldn't have fallen for him... I thought he'd be the one who'll heal me from what happened few years ago. I thought.... fuck.

I really love the way he looks at me, it's like he's telling me something. Telling me to wait cause he'll be here soon. But, fcuk..that will not happen for what I'd read something he sent her and....It broke my heart into pieces. I've found the impossible. Haha! what was I thinking when I've decided to listen to my heart and not my brain.

I guess this stupid heart doesn't worth any love that it'd found. It's meant to be broken and I promise to myself that I won't fall for anyone until.................I'm really strong. I can't take this pain anymore. I feel like crying but it's stupid if I cry cause it's not like he likes me. Haha! I'm being really ridiculous.

What am I gonna do? I'll just umm...let this feeling fade. I will not try to find him in the crowd. I will not look at him anymore. I will try to move on, though I have a crush on him like 3 months..but whatever. This is a really....... I'm an idiot.

And I don't know who to talk to. Here I am, being a blind bitch with a broken heart again. I really hope to talk to someone.....anyone.......
Instead, I'm here blogging and random people all around the world are gonna read and then judge me.
This is not I want alright? I never knew why I'd liked him too, I don't have a reason, I just did. I thought he's the one and he made me feel who I was..I think. My heart beats like crap when I see him and almost die when our eyes met..no, not just once or twice..but....countless times in the fuckin 3 months or so. There's no one to blame, no one..... Haha! wait..it's my own fault. Fcuk..

I dreamt about him twice too...and it's like a message asking me to wait. First, it was............ huh....I don't feel like telling. It's a really, really lovely one. And the second one is, he and one of his friends just walked passed me, I turned around but there he goes away...

Why? why? why? =( I need someone to talk to =(
I'll just talk to God.

GUYS ARE ALL THE SAME!!  All, yes, ALL guys that I have crush on....or I've unofficially dated...they're all the same.
I don't know if I'm the problem or I'm different? Haha! yeah, whatever.

So yeah, I think this is goodbye for this crush. I can't wait cause I know waiting hurts like I've waiting for this jerk for 3 years already and.....I'm gald I got to meet him after 2 years for not seeing him, but everything became awkward..
I'll just do whatever makes me smile eventhough I have to force this fuckin' smile.

Worst day ever

(4/7/13)
yaww! whatsupp? I just wanna tell a long-but-short story bout what'd happened yesterday..hoho!
so yeah yesterday in school, we have this marching practice..my gawddd..I wasn't really tiring, but the sun is drying me up..the water that made 70% of the body became 40% --" just kidding =p 
I'm sick.. I mean ill..not the sick of something thing. And here comes the cloud blocking the sun, then it betrayed me and then here comes the sun. After a few minutes, there's the rain. Then the sun...then the cloud..then my cough..and cough and idk.... but overall I think it was...................................stupid. It was actually fun, but then this bitch who was standing in front of my friend who is standing beside me...was..idk..A BITCH!! she laughed over ridiculously childish thing and when this 'african-ish' song was played, she was like making the movement she's playing a f*cking invisible drums and there she goes, embarrassing my House, Trustworthy.

After marching, I made a last minute decision to stay back and support my friend, Vivien (House- Team Synergy) even though I hope her house will lose =p HAHAA! and also supporting my Trustworthy! and yeah, my house lost to Preseverance (how to spell it? idk..)
It was Excellence vs Team Synergy and
Trustworthy vs Preseverance (whatever the sp is)
then, there's the bitch screaming like hell not far from me..... BEHIND me

When I got in the car, my mum scolded me. She told me that I was being busybody and shits. I really don't get it. I don't get how supporting my house and friends a busybody. F*ck it. To tell the truth, sometimes I HATE HER! I just kept quite the whole way, I want her to suffer from my silence cause I'm the noisy one in the family..so yeahh... just lettin' her to scold me..

When I just got out of the car, my sis screamed for my name, asking me to quickly pick up the f*cking phone cause Chuan is calling (she asked him to call back), so I race up the stairs and picked up the phone. ( I don't get why won't she pick up the phone first. stupid.) He told me to hurry and don't have to shower or whatever cause he's gonna pick us (me and my sis) soon. ofcourse I was like wtf is happening? Did I miss something? o.O
He told me that we will be having bbq. And I was like what happened? and why and......I asked a lot --" He asked me if I've forgotten that yesterday was the twins bday. and yeahh..but no.. actually I never knew their bday. I only knew it's on July. hoho! but my reaction was, 'oh ya!' hehe!
He told me that he'd bought the chicken wings already and is now at wywy (2mins way frm my house) and is coming really soon. And so I told my sis, she's an anime freak and yeah, she's stucked on the laptop. When I'd scolded her, she then turned off the damn laptop and headed to shower, but Chuan arrived. I'd asked her, "what the fcuk are u doing? He'd arrived already! and why didn't you that your shower just now?!" and she told me that she didn't know when will he come and pick us up. And that got into my nerves, but I didn't raise my voice, I was just annoyed. I answered her, " so if you didn't know when will be pick us up, why didn't your get ready at the first place, instead of sitting and watch your anime?!"..and both of us rushed and vroomm... it was around 5.30pm

We went to HuaHo and I saw my friend, Areen. I was playing 'hide-and'seek' FAIL VERSION haha! I'd hidden beind my sis, but my eyes are sticking out. I didnt see the trolly (whatever) which was full of boxes and I hit my left leg..ouchh! yeah, it hurts. so she laughed, I didn't noticed there's someone else, that is my sis Bio teacher, a junior and my another friend, Myzee. Damnnn..it was embarrassing..huhh...

When we got back and counted the amount of money that we'd spent..add them up and divide by 5...it was like $10 already, without the present that we're gonna give them..wowww...I wonder  where can I get so much money..I mean I have money, but not much cause I've spent a lot on buying Easi card for my phone..and they get expired way too early before I can spent them on calling or sending text message or go online by phone, so, I will always have to update the stupid Easi, to prevent my money being deducted. bitch DST.

so we'd celebrated in Chuan's aunt house (the one who's driving) we clean and bbq stuff and try to start the fire, and guess what? IT DIDN'T WORK NO MATTER HOW HARD WE TRIED! --" so we'd given up and asked Chuan's aunt to come out (she was preparing the chicken wings and all) to do it for us haha!
We stood there like.....more that one hour I think...so of the chicken wings are burned and some are still un-cook..haha!!
Overall, it was okey...they tricked the twin, telling them that they didn't bought any cake..they were quite sad actually ahaha! and tadaaa...surprise! they sang bday song and I just came out from the toilet --"

It was just 9.40pm when my angry mum called and scolded me..I mean wtf? I don't get it why why whyyyyyyyyyy can't she just let me be! I mean I ain't no kid, I'm already 18 and is trying to get my driving licence! I know she's being protective, but she's too much..over protective. and my parents always, I really mean always spoil the fun I have. She said, " do you know what time is it? it's already late and you guys haven't bath yet.......blah3"

So yeah, we had to go home early (9.40pm..it's still early to me). FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKK... I swear, yesterday was the worst day ever!! Really.... all bullshits..