Bully (1) - STOP IT

Hi readers from north, east, south and west!! I've just randomly clicked a link and saw this page / blog.... It's sad....and it's all about bullying...
I mean I never really experience me being bullied or my school mates being seriously bullied... I'm living in Brunei... A small, safe country with a population of less than 500,000. But I've gone through discrimination and being criticize...and it sucks. I know being bullied is far more worse...

While I'm typing these;
somewhere unknown, there are;
kids that are crying right now,
kids that are hurting themselves,
kids that are feeling invisible,
kids that are trying to end their life...

Bullied children....in term of 'cyber bullying' or ' high school bullying ', they are emotionally and physically in pain... unnoticed parents might believe their excuses like;

" ohh..it's okey, I tripped and fell from the stairs just now " - in fact, the bullies pushed the victim down the fuckin' stairs.

" I've been playing with my friends " - in fact, the wound and the ripped t-shirt of theirs were attacked by the bullies.

" I don't feel like going to school, I think I'm sick " - in fact, they're feeling more than that.

http://drtedzeff.com/news/warningsigns.php

Read that.

The victims are screaming in silence, and hoped that any of you would hear it... so DO NOT ignore them when you heard them. Help them BEFORE it's too late. You might be afraid that you'll be in danger too, so don't do it alone, bring some real friends of yours to stand up with you. You are not alone, I bet there's some people do feel the same way...they wanna help, but took a step back cause they're afraid. But what if you stand out of the line first? They will do the same. Be their LEADER.

Parents should be aware of what's happening to their children. Your children TRUST you. They NEED you. and they expect you to UNDERSTAND what they're going through. And also expect you to KNOW their lies. Your child is not a creature that you gave birth and just let them to do whatever they need to, even when it comes to security or protections... 

http://www.oddee.com/item_98356.aspx?utm_source=knowd.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=8-most-shocking-bullying-stories

There are different stories in that link...
You'll be the victim, if you're ugly...
You'll be the victim, if you're pretty...
You'll be the victim, if you're rich...
You'll be the victim, if you're poor...

I seriously do not get it! What's so good about bullying? I was fuckin' mad when I was watching the video. I swear I was angry and upset!! He or she (the bullies) might be just a high school kid...but, YOUR PARENTS NEVER TEACH YOU ABOUT SELF-RESPECT!
USELESS PARENTS PRODUCE USELESS CHILDREN!
Why? If you're a bully, lemme ask you this. Whatsup? Are you mad when I say it that way? What makes you feel so? See, you do have a heart. You're just not doing the right thing. You're just trying to fit in. You just wanna be cool. Stop it.
Is there something to be proud of when you see someone in pain? If there is, tell me, what shits are they?

Both of you are the same.
Made from flesh and blood.
A heart.
Under the same sky.
Breathe the same air.
Stand on the same ground.
Believe in the same God.
Run the same track.
We're human.

I'm proud that Lady Gaga started to stand up for the bullied kids. I love her because of this! =)
And I hope one day, I will help those kids...and what I'm doing now might not help much. But this is my very first step ^^

Maggots!!

Okeyyyyyyyyy...guess what? =3
I DRANK MAGGOT JUICE!! I mean what the fuck?!?! %@%@&@*(*!@!!!
I can't believe it myself either!!

There's ths so-called orange tree (yeah, only one tree...) that my mum plant in out house mini garden, and made juice out of the oranges...

And I was studying my Biology, because I will be having Bio exam on Monday...(I have 11 topics to read, but I've read 4 topics....yet....)
*knock knock* soooo, there she comes...my mum... entering my room with the 'oh-look-and-I've-made-this-looks' with the orange juice in a MUG....not a cup, but a damn MUG!
So yeah, it's cold and lovely...so I drank it, like a boss B) since I love it too!

I didn't drink it sip by sip....but..... just like a boss -.-"

And after a few minutes, I saw my hair-that-fell-off stick to the water droplets on the cup and was disgusted...
But I didn't know what really disgust me..........until I looked into that ^@%@!^*&@& MUG! gawdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd!!!!!! There's maggots (around 3mm long)! There was 2! One was dead, but the another one was happily swimming~~ -.-"

Then, I ran out of my room, and told my mum and sister about it...........
They looked at it...and then............
My sis looked at her mug too...and there was 12 swimming maggots....( yeah, I counted -.-)
WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKK?!?!
She said she thought they're pollen or stuff like that, so she drank slowlyyyyyyyyyyy.....

I'm traumatized now!!!!!

Imagine how much gallon I drank till there's only 2 maggots left in my mug T.T
I'm quite emotional now, cause I'm disgusted!!
Hope the maggots won't eat me alive!
Hope the maggots won't eat my brain!
Hope my stomach hydrochloric acids will kill them!
Hope I won't be going to the hospital!

Yadayadayadaaaa.... AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
If I die, I don't wanna die because I'm eaten my maggots!!

Born to be different

Life.....
is never easy.
Life.....
doesn't always have a happy ending.
Life.....
is a challenge.
Life.....
is what God had given you.
Life.....
is not a joke.

I'm just jealous to see how a person could be so strong and smile sincerely everyday.
I hope to crawl under their skin and see what did they do to make themselves so happy.
Why can they? But why is it so hard for me to find my own happiness?
Stupid lil things could upset me a whole day...fake laughter, fake smiles, fake me....
Stupid lil things could cheer me up easily too.....
They come and go, like the wind...
Don't you think it's unfair for a person to be happy most of the time and has less problems to face, compare to a person who fuckin' hates their life cause life just sucks?

I hate waking up and started feeling down or empty and just hate everything! I feel pathetic!
It's difficult to remember anything that could cheer me up!
Cause at that time, all that comes to my mind are questions...
" Why me? "
" Why am I born? "
" What do I worth? "
" Why does God hate me so much? "

I know it doesn't make any sense for me to blame God......but.........I couldn't even understand why either...

You wanna tell and share to your friends or your families, but you find them not listening and not trying to help..
You're afraid to trust them.
You're afraid they'll laugh at you.
You're afraid they'll finger you.
You're afraid they don't believe you.
You're afraid you'll be such a nuisance .
You're afraid to feel scare......

I remember my friends used to laugh at me..I still clearly remember their laughter in my head..
I WAS JUST TRYING TO FIT IN! I BECAME A PIECE OF SHIT AND A JOKE TO THEM!
I hate to be judged! I hate to be laughed at! I hate to be who I am not! I hate trying to fit in!

When I thought I've found myself...
Hate myself.
Listen to screamo-s.
Turned colder.
Fall into a darker path....
I'm glad I'd found myself. I'm happy by then. I feel complete and home...
I was then called FAKE! I just couldn't understand why.
I couldn't understand what fuck do they what. I couldn't understand why they don't see myself like I do.

Wanna see who I was? This is who I was.... I swear that this is the first time I post this photo public...
This picture taken when I was around.....13..
I miss who I was...
I miss how crazy I was...

2008

2008

When I was 15, I fell apart...I'd changed
I'm into Gothic stuff...
Cause it's easier to fall....
As a teenager,
There's a lot of lesson to learn,
A lot of problems to face,
A lot of tears to shed....

Smile is just meaningless....
But I'd tried....

Nov 2010

2011

But now, I believe I've grown stronger....
I'm still trying to understand and to find the reasons....
Find the answers....

" Tomorrow is another day "

I apologise for being emotional here. I'm just screaming my heart out....indirectly....

So, for any of you who's facing the same problem as me...
Who changed because of you past,
Who hate cause no one trusts...
I've heard your silent screams....

We're different..
We're different from them...
We're born to be different...
It's hard to be different and to be accepted...

We just want to be accepted...

This is why;
We have to learn to accept ourselves...
We have to learn to forgive ourselves...
We have to learn to find ourselves...
We have to learn to blame ourselves...
We have to learn to stop hating ourselves...
Stop trying to fit in...
Just be who we are...

I'm telling you these and I' telling myself too....

I don't deserve

Today, we ( CT-ians) celebrated Venus's birthday... It's an advance birthday actually. Since tomorrow is Friday... not only that, we also celebrate Ada's birthday.. her birthday is suppose to be in November. But she'll be in Hawaii...so yeahh..

And as I said, I will not be there with them today...this is all because of Venus..hahaha! I just don't think I deserve to be there... I planned most of the things, I mean supervise on how are we gonna surprise her and also Ada.. It goes like this;

Venus loves to use people's stationery, so, all of us buy a stationery for her (there are 17 of us, excluding her), for example; pens, scissors, pencil lead, post-it-note and all.... This is for fun only. Haha!!
And the theme is : PURPLE

Oh, and Ada doesn't know that we're gonna surprise her too~ We have to be quick cause Ada is going to somewhere.....somewhere real soon >~<

Back to the point. The plan is 2 of my friends will bring her to the library (but failed) and turned out that she needed to pass up a GP paper. She and Mijah were scolded by teacher and yadayadayadaaaa... At the same time, Arnold and Adrian will rush to the canteen to take the cake. And they will have to be in the class L6-9 before all of us come back down from out teacher's staffroom. Yay!! They succeed to do so! x) Then, we'd prepared around 10 questions for her to answer (during our Personal Studies) and we'd cut paper into a box and threw all the presents (stationery) into the box - this is to buy time, for me and some of my friends to prepare the cake in L6-9.

So, while we were preparing the cake, laughter was heard for Venus, which is a good sign..*I guess...before that, I'd invited some of my friends, so sing birthday song to Ada and Venus. So, after everything was done....with all the candles lighted up and everyone's prepared to go out of the room.....with Mijah and Fifat holding the cake, and my friends behind.....
"Happy birthday to you....Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to Venus.....and Ada (sang by Vivien only -.-) Happy birthday to you"

I was still in the classroom......I was just disappointed and I don't think I deserve to be there...so yeah ^^ I could only sing to her with my heart...
After a few seconds, I went out like nothing happened....I'm a good actress alright...
Yes, as I said, I wouldn't wanna be there at all...but then, I decided to forgive myself a lil bit....cause I don't wanna my friends to be suspicious...so I'll just pretend that nothing had happened on 24th July... I did this for them, not me....
Maybe, for you, it's just a lil thing and I need to grow up and learn to get over it... It's never that easy yaw! It's never as easy as your words... I'm not you, and don't expect me to be you. That may be just a little thing, but that little thing hurts me a little, and killed me a little...
Plus, in the 10-ish questions, one of the question is : when do Van, Mijah, Fifat (and you) become best friend?

So yeah, I'm happy that it went damn well! Even though there's a lil bit ruined cause Arnold kept let words slipped from his mouth... -.-"
Yesterday, he said " oh, later I'll buy the cake and ruler" in front of Venus during lunch time... and just now, he did say something bout the cake...but I can't remember what it was....

And so, Happy Advance Birthday, Venus! I wish you good luck in anything you're doing! I hope you're happy with what you have! ^^

Their trust

Few day ago, my maths teacher told us (class : maths block 1) that...

" okeyyy...so far, there's only two people that passed the test " ....cause she hasn't finished marking our papers

And I got a damn good news today...

" so, I've marked your papers. And there's only 2 people that passed! "

So, guess what? I'm one of the passed damn genius! I got the second place though....the marks wasn't as good as how excited I sound................................but yeahhhh, I got hyper and just wanna share (or show off hehe!!) to my friends......and I planned to tell my parents about it just now.....until the thought of them not trusting crawled into my mind...

Not only my mum, but also my dad.....they didn't trust me...

I'm really, really upset right now...

When I say trust, I mean, me...

My mum doesn't trust me when I say that I'm hanging out with my girl-friends....

My dad too....

" She always stays back at school, I'm wondering if she does that for good (study) or hanging out with guys "

Yeahhh..nowadays I stay back at school, because I wanna change my laziness and in the end I regret for not trying hard in my studies. Life in college isn't easy at all.

Peer pressures. Pressures that teachers put on you as well. Assignments. and bullshits.....

When my mum told me about it...it really broke my heart into pieces. I was really trying hard to prove them that, even though I'm a slow type of person, a person that doesn't know how to cook and a very dependent person, but I'M NOT A USELESS DAUGHTER.

I don't exist for them to compare me with their friends' child who's so perfect and all!

I wanna show that I'm at least capable of something.
I wanna them to be proud of me.

I want them to know that I'm really trying hard to succeed.

I want them to know that I'm serious in what I say.

I wanna prove them that what happened 3 years ago wasn't luck.

I wanna prove them that I'm actually a fighter.

........

And

.......

I want them to realised that I've changed....

I've tried hard not to shout at them, instead, I keep them all te anger to myself

I've tried hard not to upset them, instead, I'm a pathetic daughter in their eyes

I've tried hard to hide these pains away, instead, I suffer every night

I've tried hard to prove them wrong, instead, I didn't have their support

I've tried hard to change, instead, I didn't have their trust.

So yeah, I've made my final decision, I'm not gonna tell them anything...

Happy or upsetting news...or whatever... It's just nothing.....It's just wasting my time....

" Oh, great! Keep it up!"

That's what they'll say....I knew it..

I'm feeling incomplete, broken without their trust....

Maybe some of you understands.

Maybe for some of you, it's nothing.

Maybe you're thinking that it's just a small matter and just get over it.

Maybe you're thinking that no one fucking cares

Maybe you're thinking I'm just a piece of shit that complains life.

But you'll never know unless you put on my shoes and walk with it for 18 years...

WE ARE NOT THE SAME

What I've said here, are just part of my story.... what happened in the past, I hope I could forgive my fucking stupid, useless self and forgive everyone too..

Beautiful words

The word 'forever', never exist in my life.
The word 'love', never exist in my life.
The word 'prefect', never exist in my life.
The word 'Guardian Angel', never exist in my life...

"I Love you", he said/ she said.

For me, those are just words..they never meant anything. Even for those who said 'I Love you' to their love ones, they will also end up being single or divorce.. Words are just words. Funny, how they can make someone feel better, even just for a while only..

'Love' between families is difference, how different? I have no idea. You, yourself know =)

After all these tough years I've been through alone, I longed to hear beautiful words...
Words, beautiful words, that were said by my dad:
" Do not create your happiness by hurting others"
" I know what kind of person you are. You're like me. You're not an open person, you love to keep everything yourself, which now has become your anger..."

I will bring his words to my grave with me... His words are much meaningful than the word 'I love you'... My father had save a part of my soul without his own knowing.... I love you, dad. Thank you, dad.
Thanks God, for giving me a father that understands me...even though he didn't really show any affection...

I'm back for now!!

So, what's up? I'd just finished my exams just now >.> I was tiring..I mean everyday is tiring.....for these week... slept at around 12am and woke up at before 6am.... The next time I remember is being in the hall with studentsssssssss.....

And yeah, just now I hung out with 2 of my childhood friends. We talked bout what's happening, we told jokes, talking bout the pressures we're facing.. and I talking bout my -who I claimed- as my best friend, Venus, backstabbed me...
Damn, when I talked bout it..my voice sounded broken... I tried to hide the pain and the shame..but my voice....*sigh

A few more days will be her birthday, but i have something in my mind already..
My group will always celebrate our members birthday..and I planned to run away or hide or vanish or disappear that day.
I don't want to be there celebrating with them on her birthday, I don't know why...I just think I don't deserve to be there... Plus, I just can't be there....
Now I'm typing every single words about her, I feel lost and angry and upset and stupid....
So yeah, I have everything planned in mind. I'd already planned how to surprise her x)
It's just, I do not want to be there that day.. never!

And, maybe that's all I wanna share today.... I need my sleep right now..... 'sleep debt' =p
Take care out there!
Don't make the same mistake like me, being blinded so perfectly ^^
It hurts....it really does, no matter how hard you try to be cool...