What's wrong with July? *sighhh...

Yesterday....... I had a heartache yesterday and hoping to feel better today. I'd texted my friend, my best friend I mean, but she a very slow (but in a funny way i guess) and turned everything I've said upside down..I'm not blaming her or anything. Not really in the mood, I really wanna talk to someone who will understand what I'm feeling. But oh well....

And today, I mean just just now, my mum asked me to read something in the newspaper..it's about 'words that hurt your parents feelings'.. yeah, me, hii....I'm....a rebellion daughter. A useless one. A pain in the ass one. The stupid and dumb one. Unlike my sister (younger), she's smart, talented, she can make my parents happy and proud of her (and this fcukin' family), she can cook, she can do lots of work.....

My sister, I love her even though I'm kindaaa always being compared by my parents. I wanted to be jealous and hate her with my life..but I can't, I love her. She's innocent.

I know I'm rude when I talk and all, but I did try my best to change that stupid attitude...no one noticed. Sometimes I really wish I never exist. Sometimes I wish I was blind. Sometimes I wish I was deaf. But if I were to be those, I'm unable to see, listen and feel the beauty and pain in life. I swear I've tried my best....why can't they notice? I've and is trying hard to make them happy and proud.... I've tried to study (but there's a lot of distraction). I mean I've forced myself to study. I'm not a smart student, but I'm a straight B student. oh well, and here come my sister who is a straight A student. And if we didn't get and A..they will said why not? Why the others could?

I mean, I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE SHITS! I don't understand why could they say such as if studying is easy. I ain't Albert Einstein or whoever! They NEVER appreciate! NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!

I'm really depressed right now. Fuck July...
To be honest, I did plan to run away from home and sometimes I wish I could kill myself. But I'm scared. I'm not scared of the pain cause I'm already in pain. I'm just scared that I have no where to go when I'm dead and I'm scared to being alone. I'm scared to see my families cry. And that kept my moving on......with hatred and sadness.

I'm scared of death, and wasn't it easier if I was never born? Maybe my parents won't be so sorry and bad about having me as their daughter. They never realised how much they'd hurt me, words or actions. I'm just keeping quite, though I want them to feel my pain. But I realised that I've caused their pain and I blamed them for my pain. Blames....

They've told me that my sis has always been special cause when she was little, she could open a lock door without any keys or hammers or shits. My parents couldn't open the door at all cause 'something' locked it. And there she goes, walked towards the door and 'click'.... and until today she's special. And I do not and never never hate her because of that. I know who I am. I know my limits. I know shits.

Well, who am I to them? I don't know.. they don't trust me. They don't....huh.... My dad hated me when I was little cause I cried a lot and my mum did try to suffocate me with a fcukin pillow when I was little cause I was just rebellious. Fcuk me.

And my dad once told me..it was last year or early this year... he told me that I'll be a better person if I try harder (in term of study)...then when we talked bout something else..I mean the topic changed a little, he said that I have limits and no matter how hard I'll try, nothing will change... ohhh dad, I'm confuse.. crap! I feel like crying right now.. ='( Stupid teary eyes.

I'm confuse.... I hate......I hate everything! but oh well, this fake smile should stick on my face every single day. I have to act all cool and cold even though those shits hurt.

I don't know how much they love me or....idk... or....how much they find me annoying.... I don't care...I don't wanna know..

Heart is broken.......again

Hye....urmm....I'm kinda sad right now. No, I'm really sad, cause I've done illegal shit, that is falling for a guy who has a girlfriend already. And I'm really glad and I really like it how loyal he is towards her. I knew I shouldn't have done that, but my stupid fucking heart just.....I knew I shouldn't have fallen for him... I thought he'd be the one who'll heal me from what happened few years ago. I thought.... fuck.

I really love the way he looks at me, it's like he's telling me something. Telling me to wait cause he'll be here soon. But, fcuk..that will not happen for what I'd read something he sent her and....It broke my heart into pieces. I've found the impossible. Haha! what was I thinking when I've decided to listen to my heart and not my brain.

I guess this stupid heart doesn't worth any love that it'd found. It's meant to be broken and I promise to myself that I won't fall for anyone until.................I'm really strong. I can't take this pain anymore. I feel like crying but it's stupid if I cry cause it's not like he likes me. Haha! I'm being really ridiculous.

What am I gonna do? I'll just umm...let this feeling fade. I will not try to find him in the crowd. I will not look at him anymore. I will try to move on, though I have a crush on him like 3 months..but whatever. This is a really....... I'm an idiot.

And I don't know who to talk to. Here I am, being a blind bitch with a broken heart again. I really hope to talk to someone.....anyone.......
Instead, I'm here blogging and random people all around the world are gonna read and then judge me.
This is not I want alright? I never knew why I'd liked him too, I don't have a reason, I just did. I thought he's the one and he made me feel who I was..I think. My heart beats like crap when I see him and almost die when our eyes met..no, not just once or twice..but....countless times in the fuckin 3 months or so. There's no one to blame, no one..... Haha! wait..it's my own fault. Fcuk..

I dreamt about him twice too...and it's like a message asking me to wait. First, it was............ huh....I don't feel like telling. It's a really, really lovely one. And the second one is, he and one of his friends just walked passed me, I turned around but there he goes away...

Why? why? why? =( I need someone to talk to =(
I'll just talk to God.

GUYS ARE ALL THE SAME!!  All, yes, ALL guys that I have crush on....or I've unofficially dated...they're all the same.
I don't know if I'm the problem or I'm different? Haha! yeah, whatever.

So yeah, I think this is goodbye for this crush. I can't wait cause I know waiting hurts like I've waiting for this jerk for 3 years already and.....I'm gald I got to meet him after 2 years for not seeing him, but everything became awkward..
I'll just do whatever makes me smile eventhough I have to force this fuckin' smile.

Worst day ever

(4/7/13)
yaww! whatsupp? I just wanna tell a long-but-short story bout what'd happened yesterday..hoho!
so yeah yesterday in school, we have this marching practice..my gawddd..I wasn't really tiring, but the sun is drying me up..the water that made 70% of the body became 40% --" just kidding =p 
I'm sick.. I mean ill..not the sick of something thing. And here comes the cloud blocking the sun, then it betrayed me and then here comes the sun. After a few minutes, there's the rain. Then the sun...then the cloud..then my cough..and cough and idk.... but overall I think it was...................................stupid. It was actually fun, but then this bitch who was standing in front of my friend who is standing beside me...was..idk..A BITCH!! she laughed over ridiculously childish thing and when this 'african-ish' song was played, she was like making the movement she's playing a f*cking invisible drums and there she goes, embarrassing my House, Trustworthy.

After marching, I made a last minute decision to stay back and support my friend, Vivien (House- Team Synergy) even though I hope her house will lose =p HAHAA! and also supporting my Trustworthy! and yeah, my house lost to Preseverance (how to spell it? idk..)
It was Excellence vs Team Synergy and
Trustworthy vs Preseverance (whatever the sp is)
then, there's the bitch screaming like hell not far from me..... BEHIND me

When I got in the car, my mum scolded me. She told me that I was being busybody and shits. I really don't get it. I don't get how supporting my house and friends a busybody. F*ck it. To tell the truth, sometimes I HATE HER! I just kept quite the whole way, I want her to suffer from my silence cause I'm the noisy one in the family..so yeahh... just lettin' her to scold me..

When I just got out of the car, my sis screamed for my name, asking me to quickly pick up the f*cking phone cause Chuan is calling (she asked him to call back), so I race up the stairs and picked up the phone. ( I don't get why won't she pick up the phone first. stupid.) He told me to hurry and don't have to shower or whatever cause he's gonna pick us (me and my sis) soon. ofcourse I was like wtf is happening? Did I miss something? o.O
He told me that we will be having bbq. And I was like what happened? and why and......I asked a lot --" He asked me if I've forgotten that yesterday was the twins bday. and yeahh..but no.. actually I never knew their bday. I only knew it's on July. hoho! but my reaction was, 'oh ya!' hehe!
He told me that he'd bought the chicken wings already and is now at wywy (2mins way frm my house) and is coming really soon. And so I told my sis, she's an anime freak and yeah, she's stucked on the laptop. When I'd scolded her, she then turned off the damn laptop and headed to shower, but Chuan arrived. I'd asked her, "what the fcuk are u doing? He'd arrived already! and why didn't you that your shower just now?!" and she told me that she didn't know when will he come and pick us up. And that got into my nerves, but I didn't raise my voice, I was just annoyed. I answered her, " so if you didn't know when will be pick us up, why didn't your get ready at the first place, instead of sitting and watch your anime?!"..and both of us rushed and vroomm... it was around 5.30pm

We went to HuaHo and I saw my friend, Areen. I was playing 'hide-and'seek' FAIL VERSION haha! I'd hidden beind my sis, but my eyes are sticking out. I didnt see the trolly (whatever) which was full of boxes and I hit my left leg..ouchh! yeah, it hurts. so she laughed, I didn't noticed there's someone else, that is my sis Bio teacher, a junior and my another friend, Myzee. Damnnn..it was embarrassing..huhh...

When we got back and counted the amount of money that we'd spent..add them up and divide by 5...it was like $10 already, without the present that we're gonna give them..wowww...I wonder  where can I get so much money..I mean I have money, but not much cause I've spent a lot on buying Easi card for my phone..and they get expired way too early before I can spent them on calling or sending text message or go online by phone, so, I will always have to update the stupid Easi, to prevent my money being deducted. bitch DST.

so we'd celebrated in Chuan's aunt house (the one who's driving) we clean and bbq stuff and try to start the fire, and guess what? IT DIDN'T WORK NO MATTER HOW HARD WE TRIED! --" so we'd given up and asked Chuan's aunt to come out (she was preparing the chicken wings and all) to do it for us haha!
We stood there like.....more that one hour I think...so of the chicken wings are burned and some are still un-cook..haha!!
Overall, it was okey...they tricked the twin, telling them that they didn't bought any cake..they were quite sad actually ahaha! and tadaaa...surprise! they sang bday song and I just came out from the toilet --"

It was just 9.40pm when my angry mum called and scolded me..I mean wtf? I don't get it why why whyyyyyyyyyy can't she just let me be! I mean I ain't no kid, I'm already 18 and is trying to get my driving licence! I know she's being protective, but she's too much..over protective. and my parents always, I really mean always spoil the fun I have. She said, " do you know what time is it? it's already late and you guys haven't bath yet.......blah3"

So yeah, we had to go home early (9.40pm..it's still early to me). FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKK... I swear, yesterday was the worst day ever!! Really.... all bullshits..

Crush, crush, crushhh...on you

Hi readerssss...I'm bored and not sure what to really update, so yeah I've decided to share with youu guys about the guy(s) that I recently have crush on..
Yeah I know..it's not guy, but guys. I ain't being a bitch, but it's okey for a girl to have more than one crush-es, isn't it? and, when I say I have crush (or crush-es?) it doesn't necessarily mean that I wanna have a relationship with them (I think)..

The first one is a guy =p HAHA! Imma never gonna say his name here..I don't know why I'd a crush on him. All I know, my numb feelings have changed since the day we talked (this year). He looked ego and quiet, but once he started talking..He sounded like a grandpa talking about his 100 years of living ( what I'm trying to say is he talks a lot). I also like how our eyes meet when he's around (....I mean just passing by). He's actually funny and he called me short --" and yeahhh, sadly he's taken..buuuu...but who cares? Imma never gonna try to snatch him away from the girl. I'm just having a crush on him and having a crush on someone is not being a bitch who don't know how to count! Oh ya, I dreamt about him twice ><"
Once is...aaaaaaaaaaaa!! So embarrassed to say it here. But it's just weird. Another one is just JUST NOW. It's weird too.

The second one is also a guy =p AHAHA! (just having a boring fun --") Ain't gonna say him name he too.. I don't really have crush on him, it's just I really, really loveeeee his smile. He has those cute 'fangs' when he smiles.. >~< and yeah, he's cute (and ego too). But I hateeeee his attitude. I mean really. He was my friend (a friend whom I just knew..I mean we knew each other a long time, but never talk until this year..wawa!) ex. He ditched her for a b****. And I think I know why. First, he's cute (but with quite bad attitude). secondly, he's flirty. He even ................with me. I hate it! but his smiles blew me awaaaaayy.. stupid. And oh, he's taken too. whatever, Imma never have the intention to be a 'snatcher' anyway! Never dreamt about his guy.

Talaaaaaaaaaaa..I think that's all! xD
Weird. I seemed like I like guys who's ego but actually not? hmmm..

Quotes....quotes...

I don't know how some people could come up with so lovely quotes that could touch millions hearts. Those people are just talented and sincere, that's all I can think of..

Yeah, I'd just googled it and for these awesomeee quotes! They're really inspiring, don't you think? =)

But here are some of my own quotes that I've been living with.

" No matter what happens today, tomorrow will be another day "

" Never create your happiness by hurting others "

" If you'd lost yourself, find who you were and start all over again "

Get to know my friends!! =D (CTians and my very bestfriend)

Yaw hi hi hiiiii my dear readers! xD
I know, I know that I haven't really update posts about myself (and my FAIL love life muahahaha!! *sob --") , but some random shieeeets... sooo, I'd decided to post bout my friends that I'm quite close!

Lets start with my bestieee!

Mie;
She'd been my best friend for 5 years alreadyy! Normally I lose a best friend after 2 years cause of disagreements which then arguments arise or maybe not being in the same class ( sooo...distance?). But Mie and I weren't in the same class (and not taking the same subjects AT ALL) for 4 years but we're still fine! =) she's a very hyper girl, but often (and easily) get lost in a conversation and people have to like repeat 2 times OR 3, if you really wanna her to understand what you're saying. She's a strong bietccchhh eventhough there's a lot or peer pressure and conflicts that she'd faced or is still facing. I'm sorry to say that she's not really a good listener (sometimes) and adviseeeeer...cause she's easily distracted..maybe when people are talking to her, she mind imagined about what she'll be doing when she's in that situation. She's also my hero!!! cause she saved me 5 years ago (that's not the reason why were besties) from being hit by a car..duhhh...It wasn't my fault! I was crossing a zebra line and out of no where a car appeared..maybe it's because of my blind spot that I didn't see it. okeyy...hmm..Mie is fun...and funny. she never fail to make me laugh when I'm in a bad mood.

And now it's CTians time! lets start with the oldest?

Lucia;
The girl who has a laughter like an engine and as loud as a Lucia's roar =p HAHAHA! she has a verrrrrrrrrrrrrryyy yellow mind which is not advance, but beyond advance.. --" I remembered she said once, when we (as in CTians...14 members? wawawa) were in pizza hut eating double tuesday..and IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, "it has to be in the dark, so you can feel" (at that time we were talking something yellow (hahaha --") yucccccccccckkk..I was sitting beside her and everyone sitting close to her moved their chairs away HAHAAH!! Hilarious! This girl, never try to challenge her something, cause if you do, nothing can stop her from what you'd dared her to do.

Marina:
The supeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer, extremelyyyyyyyy talented girl! She writes stories(or idk) and draws like a pro (that's what I think =3 cause she draws with her heart). She was my adviser when I have a problem last year. She talks non-stop and it sounded as if she's rapping when she talks..hahaha! jokinggg, but then no =p she's a cookie addict *I think haha!

Me;
I'm awesome! =3 that's all! AHAHAH!

Vivien;
The mama-ish girl, who's like a mummy to us cause she acts like a mum (mama, mummy, mum...what's next? --"). She's a very nice person, despite her some of her attitude which is saying others belonging lousy..--" duhhh! sometimes I wish to bite her head off when she said those words..but blah3, lets look at the bright side! she's a lecturer in term of health and she's really active. This girl, we can always trust her. =)

Yihan;
The-act-innocent-girl-but-not-so-innocent girl. why? I'll tell you later. We call her the 'censorship' girl cause everyone will get scold if we curse --" ( 1) she curse too, but seldom). when we talked (we're not those assholes that watch porn cause I CAN TELL YOU THAT NONE OF US WATCH THOSE SHITS..well except in movie. We're Bio student so yeah, we tend to talk stuff..we're open minded muahaha! *i think) about yellow stuff, she tend to scold us too, saying it's disgusting, but secretly (2)yeah we all can see) that she's giggling when we talked bout you know.. and oh! she's like the slowest eater IN THIS PLANET!!

Shereen:
A smart girl....when I say smart, she's really really smart. A straight A student alright!! Right now she's in loveeeeee =p she's a very sensitive person, who gets upset very easily..buuu! She loves to slap her friends arm for no apparent reason..I was a victim too.. Her swear word is 'c*b**' ALWAYS!!

Angie;
The 'princess' in CT..who is obsess with Barbie and disney stuff. she's a smart girl too, and is in love toooooooo.. I love to call her Mogie! AHAH! She's easy to be bullied (but not as easy as Sera) and then, she'll roll her eyes or fire back at you. She swears half way, for example a bad word that's suppose to be 'cela**', she'll just say cela.. She's a really lovely and polite (and lazy) girl AHAH!

Mek;
huhh..this girl...it I can strangle her, I would, long ago!! She's a really stubborn girl. She's actually a nice person, she listens to advice and do really try hard to change her bad attitude..like...nevermind. Well, thanks to us..derrrrr..(CTians). She told us that vegetables are her worst enemies. and oh, she broke 2-3 chairs (including metal ones..she's not fat, but idk..). A gamer to the core! Like my gawddd...she called her computer and her phone her husband, so that makes her 2 husbands! D= cheater!!!

Ling;
A sensitive person too, who cries at not-so-sad movie and screams at not-so-scary movie. She eats a lot! She's also my badminton partner for already 4 years! =) Her maths calculation is good, she's always my LIVING calculator muahaha! for eg, if I ask 689 x 142 =?? she'll give the ans in live 5 seconds!! nehh..just kidding =p of course she'll take a calculator out to calculate..derrrr... and oh, she hates chucky!

Amal;
a verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry hyper person who likes photography, actually she takes good pictures! =D (I can take good pictures ok?! I just don't have camera ok?! haha) if you think that she is who she is now, you're wrong! she's actually a very understanding person too, and sincere =) and she eats a lot and slaps people arms (like Shereen) a lot..and yeah, I'm the victim too sometimes --" she has like the best Biology jokes evaaa*actually her voice is in my head when I type that! --"

Sera;
she's quite a good friend of mine. We always share problems with each other. A smart girl too (Angie, Shereen and Sera are best friends..like glue!), she's the wild (and yellow) one among the 3. She's young but mature, and understanding. She never cooks or help in the kitchen --" Nowadays she tend to daydream..eheeeeeeeemm...when you ask her something, she'll reply you something else..pffffttt...

Adrian;
The KING OF BIOLOGY! He's the craziest guy I'd ever met in my whole life --" he's really crazy (just like his cousin..Amal). He's very open and random, but no one will feel uncomfortable around him. He laughed at almost everything and it's really fun to joke with him cause yeah, as I said, he laughed at almost everything. We called him 'tree' cause he's really skinny, but eats like an elephant..no, a WHALE!! He know that he's skinny, and he called everyone (even the normal looking ones) FAT AND HE CALLED HIMSELF A NORMAL looking person(the body I mean)..the heckk bro..

Fook;
we called him 'boss' or 'fooking'(for fun). He's the bro of Angie and is like a servant of the princess AHAH! In my opinion, he's more mature than his sister(Angie is the eldest and he's second) *opps =9 He likes to make COLD jokes..In Brunei, it's 24 hours summer, but when he joke around(with his cold jokes), even the summer freeze HAAH! He has a yellow mind too..or maybe alreay turned orange.. --"

Syak;
I lovey loveyyy to call her SHARK, it's all because of her name, Syak! muahaha! I love to say, 'shark swim shark!' and she'll reply something which I can't really remember. --" when she speaks, she has a polite tone even though she's annoyed hahaha! She's fun to be bullied too! =9 and oh, she is a bigggggggggggggg fan of Adam Lambert! x)


SOOOOOOOOOOOOO THAT ALL!! BYEEEE!!

And maybe next week I'll post about something that's almost the same?? like.....lalalala~ =p

Happy holiday!!!

Happy holiday to all my readers! x) especially Bruneians! hoho!
Oh ya...today my friend is celebrating his birthday in Bandar (which is half an hour away from home) and I really have no idea what to wear? T.T

Should I wear dress or jeans? (if I wear dress, I can't go wild.. but I don't wanna wear the same clothes like my sis --" )
What heels am I gonna use? Grey? White? Red? the heckk...
And my hair! should I tie it up or just let it be like that...

&@*^@**!@(!! and his present is still undone --" AAAAAAA!! the weather is too hot to continue packing it T.T

That's all...huhu!! Happy holidays again btw! x)