Today, I have an argument with one of my friend.............again.
And he brought up the subject about the guy that I used to like, and still like.... even though he did unforgivable things. I tried to hate the guy who was perfect to me, but I always ended up forgiving him..
Jerry is who I called him...
It's been 2 years and I need to move on. And my friend wanted me to move on too, but he did not know that it's really hard for me to do so, even though Jerry was never mine.. He was never mine...
Imagine.....
Someone who you think he's the one,
Someone who you finally put all your trust onto,
Someone who you put all your heart to,
Someone of your dream,
Someone you know was perfect,
Someone whose words were so real,
Betrayed you.....
Hated you.....
And wanted to do nothing with you....
Just gone like that.........
It was last few weeks, he told me that he know the jerk, Jerry. And he told me things that I never told him, like the name Jerry exist, cause Jerry isn't his name at all...
I kept asked him how did he know Jerry...but he never wanted to tell. I appreciate that, but my curiosity....
Then, finally, during the argument just now, he told me that he and Jerry are cousins...
That is depressing... It was harder to breathe after that...
We, then, just wanna settle those arguments.. and he apologised for this mess..
I forgave anyone easily...
But, I'm sorry, It's harder to forgive him now than usual.....
I wanna apologise too, but my anger and depression......It's harder to forgive now....
If these shits kept on repeating, I won't be able to accept my fate and move on...
STOP DROWNING ME!!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Useless creature that I am...
Recently, 2 of my friends have been pranked by an unknown person through texting.
Both of them are from my group - gangs(?)
And we have clues that, that person is:
1) 80% sure it's a guy
2) someone from our school
3) someone we know
4) someone just as stupid as a piece of shit that wanna do things like that..
But the thing is, they simply accuse that it's one of our gangs member....
He is the one that stood up for me when my own 'best-friend' back-stabbed me in one of my notes called 'Best-friend Holding Knives'...
While me, I did nothing. I tried to do something...I really tried to prove them wrong, cause I know it won't be him. And why would he do that anyway? But I'm just afraid that they might think it differently, because... so I remained quiet the whole time they bring that subject up.
I did tell them that it won't be him, cause he was seriously blank and he even asked me for that son-of-a-bitch stranger's phone number and phoned him (or maybe her). Unfortunately, it was unreachable..
I mean, see, even though they accused him, he still try to help them..
Gawdddddddd..... I really feel guilty! T.T
I wanna text him to apologise so bad, but I have no guts to. I mean, he stood up for me, but I just can't do the same. How useless I am!! I'm just not a good friend.. T.T
I'm sorry!!!
I'm sorry!!!
I'm really, really, really sorry!!!
Both of them are from my group - gangs(?)
And we have clues that, that person is:
1) 80% sure it's a guy
2) someone from our school
3) someone we know
4) someone just as stupid as a piece of shit that wanna do things like that..
But the thing is, they simply accuse that it's one of our gangs member....
He is the one that stood up for me when my own 'best-friend' back-stabbed me in one of my notes called 'Best-friend Holding Knives'...
While me, I did nothing. I tried to do something...I really tried to prove them wrong, cause I know it won't be him. And why would he do that anyway? But I'm just afraid that they might think it differently, because... so I remained quiet the whole time they bring that subject up.
I did tell them that it won't be him, cause he was seriously blank and he even asked me for that son-of-a-bitch stranger's phone number and phoned him (or maybe her). Unfortunately, it was unreachable..
I mean, see, even though they accused him, he still try to help them..
Gawdddddddd..... I really feel guilty! T.T
I wanna text him to apologise so bad, but I have no guts to. I mean, he stood up for me, but I just can't do the same. How useless I am!! I'm just not a good friend.. T.T
I'm sorry!!!
I'm sorry!!!
I'm really, really, really sorry!!!
Monday, September 10, 2012
"Friends"
This happened in 24th of July,
There is nothing more than a bigger lie,
Finally I realised it's time to say goodbye,
Goodbye to the world that there's no light...
I claimed you as someone I trusted,
Never knew I was perfectly blinded,
Can't handle me when I curse?
Won't expect you to handle me at my worst...
Didn't know what to feel cause it's empty,
Just keep in mind that I don't need your sympathy,
After what you've said, now I won't need your accompany,
"It's okey to lose a friend, cause I still have many"...
I know who I am and my mistakes,
Thanks for telling me, but you've betrayed,
'Telling' me from behind with my name,
Now I know who my real friends are...
There is nothing more than a bigger lie,
Finally I realised it's time to say goodbye,
Goodbye to the world that there's no light...
I claimed you as someone I trusted,
Never knew I was perfectly blinded,
Can't handle me when I curse?
Won't expect you to handle me at my worst...
Didn't know what to feel cause it's empty,
Just keep in mind that I don't need your sympathy,
After what you've said, now I won't need your accompany,
"It's okey to lose a friend, cause I still have many"...
I know who I am and my mistakes,
Thanks for telling me, but you've betrayed,
'Telling' me from behind with my name,
Now I know who my real friends are...
Sunday, September 9, 2012
The scars that no one knows
Hey, lemme tell you something that you never knew...
I know,
It hurts to fall.
It hurts to lose.
It hurts to know the truth.
It hurts to being used.
It hurts to be betrayed.
It hurts to love.
It hurts to hate.
It hurts to trust.
It hurts to care.
It hurts to let go.
It hurts to feel broken.
It hurts to breathe...
We are all, everyone, not you yourself, are born to lose, are born to fall, are born to be broken and all...
Believe it or not, those are the reasons why we are still here, why are we still standing on this ground...even all of our own..
Believe it or not, those shits made you stronger..
Believe it or not, those shits made you wiser...
When we fall and lose ourselves, c'mon, stand up with all the courage you have. Don't wait for anyone to pick you up, they might lose their grip and let you fall. So, stand up with your own feet, like you did when you were little. Your parents were there to tell you it's alright...but they did not help. Why? Cause they've been where you are now. They know that someday you will fall...
When we know the hidden truth, the truth that we're being used and betrayed. It hurts like flames burning in your open heart. That shows that they're not the one cause they are not good enough for you.. Grow up. Don't let them to drag you down again. Do not do the same for revenge, instead, do the opposite. Treat them good, treat them sincerely nice. oh, and do not forget to smile, always! even though you have to fake them, just smile!!
It hurts to love, cause you're just afraid that you're not good enough and you're the reasons for their tears. No, you're wrong! Be yourself, don't try to change just because you think you're not good enough. God created you unique. If you're the reason for their tears, appreciate that, cause they cared for you. You made mistakes, but it's okey. No one says that you're born perfect. But learn from your mistakes and do not repeat them. Chances are hard to find.
It hurts to hate, especially the ones you care for. They hurt you, you feel broken. You hate what they did to you. You wanna get over them, by hating them. But it seemed you kept for giving them because of those sweet memories of you all being together. Do not hate, because when you hate, you lose! but what do you have to do? Simple! Appreciate what you had with them, and keep them as memories. Start look at the bright side. I know, it's easier to just fall to the dark side, but c'mon, try!
"It took years to gain a trust, but seconds to break it"
Yes, this quote is true, isn't it? You may trust a person, but never try to give them all your trust. Because in this world, only you can trust the person when you're standing in front of a mirror, that is you. People normally trust someone who is beautiful, better, greater and all.. but what you see, are they just images or their soul? If you trust so much, it will break you as much as you trust that person. so, think about it before its's too late..
When you cared about someone so much, it is really hard to let go. Because you're just afraid to forget and lose what you had with that person. You're just scared. You wanna keep them as part of your memories, but you did not let go..not matter how much lies you told yourself that you've let go. Stop telling those lies! Make what you said happen! Just recall everything you had with that person, for one last time, then let go..
Because your happiness weren't theirs, don't let them to take away your happiness from you!
Because you will find yourself when you let go.
Because your happiness is when you are strong to let go.
Because your friends and families want you back.
You are broken, but no one seemed to fix you. Fix yourself! Believe in yourself. Believe that you're not weak. You may need some help from your friends or families. Let them help you. Listen to them. They're just putting the broken pieces of your soul together, but it's you to fix yourself with your believes.
Sometimes, we never wish to live, cause it hurts to breathe.
Have you ever try to end your life?
Have you ever feel so tired that you wanna stop breathing?
Have you ever wanna scream so loud that the world would listen to your pains?
I know, it's a yes, yes and a yes. But do look at the bright side. One day you'll understand why. Do not let the worthless things to bring you down. Keep breathing! Keep searching for the light in your dark box. There will be surprises if you win to fight! Do it step by step. You don't have to rush. It is like when you were little, you'll get surprises when you get good results in class or when you win at a running competition.
This is all I wanna say. I've been all these shits.
But I really wanna thank my friend, Joy, for helping me with what I've suffered for those blinding years.
He had hard times in helping me cause I never wanted to listen. But then, I tried to open my eyes.
I'm not completely healed yet, I still break down and question God when I recalled the hurtful past.
But I know I'm stronger.
I will be strong enough to get through all those shits... I BELIEVE.
If I can. Why can't you? We're the same.
We're made from flesh and blood...
I know,
It hurts to fall.
It hurts to lose.
It hurts to know the truth.
It hurts to being used.
It hurts to be betrayed.
It hurts to love.
It hurts to hate.
It hurts to trust.
It hurts to care.
It hurts to let go.
It hurts to feel broken.
It hurts to breathe...
We are all, everyone, not you yourself, are born to lose, are born to fall, are born to be broken and all...
Believe it or not, those are the reasons why we are still here, why are we still standing on this ground...even all of our own..
Believe it or not, those shits made you stronger..
Believe it or not, those shits made you wiser...
When we fall and lose ourselves, c'mon, stand up with all the courage you have. Don't wait for anyone to pick you up, they might lose their grip and let you fall. So, stand up with your own feet, like you did when you were little. Your parents were there to tell you it's alright...but they did not help. Why? Cause they've been where you are now. They know that someday you will fall...
When we know the hidden truth, the truth that we're being used and betrayed. It hurts like flames burning in your open heart. That shows that they're not the one cause they are not good enough for you.. Grow up. Don't let them to drag you down again. Do not do the same for revenge, instead, do the opposite. Treat them good, treat them sincerely nice. oh, and do not forget to smile, always! even though you have to fake them, just smile!!
It hurts to love, cause you're just afraid that you're not good enough and you're the reasons for their tears. No, you're wrong! Be yourself, don't try to change just because you think you're not good enough. God created you unique. If you're the reason for their tears, appreciate that, cause they cared for you. You made mistakes, but it's okey. No one says that you're born perfect. But learn from your mistakes and do not repeat them. Chances are hard to find.
It hurts to hate, especially the ones you care for. They hurt you, you feel broken. You hate what they did to you. You wanna get over them, by hating them. But it seemed you kept for giving them because of those sweet memories of you all being together. Do not hate, because when you hate, you lose! but what do you have to do? Simple! Appreciate what you had with them, and keep them as memories. Start look at the bright side. I know, it's easier to just fall to the dark side, but c'mon, try!
"It took years to gain a trust, but seconds to break it"
Yes, this quote is true, isn't it? You may trust a person, but never try to give them all your trust. Because in this world, only you can trust the person when you're standing in front of a mirror, that is you. People normally trust someone who is beautiful, better, greater and all.. but what you see, are they just images or their soul? If you trust so much, it will break you as much as you trust that person. so, think about it before its's too late..
When you cared about someone so much, it is really hard to let go. Because you're just afraid to forget and lose what you had with that person. You're just scared. You wanna keep them as part of your memories, but you did not let go..not matter how much lies you told yourself that you've let go. Stop telling those lies! Make what you said happen! Just recall everything you had with that person, for one last time, then let go..
Because your happiness weren't theirs, don't let them to take away your happiness from you!
Because you will find yourself when you let go.
Because your happiness is when you are strong to let go.
Because your friends and families want you back.
You are broken, but no one seemed to fix you. Fix yourself! Believe in yourself. Believe that you're not weak. You may need some help from your friends or families. Let them help you. Listen to them. They're just putting the broken pieces of your soul together, but it's you to fix yourself with your believes.
Sometimes, we never wish to live, cause it hurts to breathe.
Have you ever try to end your life?
Have you ever feel so tired that you wanna stop breathing?
Have you ever wanna scream so loud that the world would listen to your pains?
I know, it's a yes, yes and a yes. But do look at the bright side. One day you'll understand why. Do not let the worthless things to bring you down. Keep breathing! Keep searching for the light in your dark box. There will be surprises if you win to fight! Do it step by step. You don't have to rush. It is like when you were little, you'll get surprises when you get good results in class or when you win at a running competition.
This is all I wanna say. I've been all these shits.
But I really wanna thank my friend, Joy, for helping me with what I've suffered for those blinding years.
He had hard times in helping me cause I never wanted to listen. But then, I tried to open my eyes.
I'm not completely healed yet, I still break down and question God when I recalled the hurtful past.
But I know I'm stronger.
I will be strong enough to get through all those shits... I BELIEVE.
If I can. Why can't you? We're the same.
We're made from flesh and blood...
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Demi Lovato
Hi there again! I'm back! =) whatsup?
I'm not a fan of Demi, I just love her voice..she has the best voice. They're just pure from heart..
And some of her songs are just nice..
But then, her songs inspired me in every way..
Later on, I realised some of her stories substitute with mine..
They inspired me.. How she's became stronger...
While, me, I'm............................
I never ask for a life...
Her concern, her words...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_6jn6KDVEw
----
My dreams...every fucking dreams of mine, never come true..
In my school, we have this position called 'PG', I'm dying to get that position..
The reasons are for respect, pride and I love to feel responsible...because I've lost all of those long ago..
I fell, and keep falling, and start hating....
What have I done to deserve this? If life is so pain, why did He give it to me. I never ask for it! I never want it!!! I am weak! I hate to lie to myself everyday that I am strong!!
Loser!
I'm tired of being back-stabbed, unimportant, being used and all shits that are happening!
And I know, that there's others out there feeling exactly what I'm feeling... broken inside, faking a smile..
How I wish Demi would write a song about............
I'm not a fan of Demi, I just love her voice..she has the best voice. They're just pure from heart..
And some of her songs are just nice..
But then, her songs inspired me in every way..
Later on, I realised some of her stories substitute with mine..
They inspired me.. How she's became stronger...
While, me, I'm............................
I never ask for a life...
Her concern, her words...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_6jn6KDVEw
----
My dreams...every fucking dreams of mine, never come true..
In my school, we have this position called 'PG', I'm dying to get that position..
The reasons are for respect, pride and I love to feel responsible...because I've lost all of those long ago..
I fell, and keep falling, and start hating....
What have I done to deserve this? If life is so pain, why did He give it to me. I never ask for it! I never want it!!! I am weak! I hate to lie to myself everyday that I am strong!!
Loser!
I'm tired of being back-stabbed, unimportant, being used and all shits that are happening!
And I know, that there's others out there feeling exactly what I'm feeling... broken inside, faking a smile..
How I wish Demi would write a song about............
Friday, August 24, 2012
Best friends holding knives
so Hiii!! How's everyone? I've getting a 'life' lately.. Here, in Brunei, we, students, are given 2 weeks holidays =D Anyway, today I just wanna share what happened on 24th July 2012..
She's my classmate. She's my partner in Physical Education. But the worst thing is, she's my best friend..
" It's okey to lose a friend, cause I still have many...", she said.
Here's how the story goes:
It was 24th July, our school ends at 2.30pm..and I always get back home earlier than her and some of my close friends. When I was in the car, on my way home, my mum asked me whether I wanna play badminton. So, before I agree, I messaged my 'best friend'..
" heyy, wanna play badminton? around 3.30pm at sport complex"
"no..I'm lazy"
".l.(((" <--- it was suppose to be .l.(-.-)" , but my phone is broken..so yeahh
Then, after 3 days later, one of my friend accidentally blurred out about what had happened that day. He wanna keep it as a secret, cause he's afraid I might feel betrayed..but, I forced him to say them all out.. after hours of trail and error.. I managed to force him to spill the 'secret' out.. he told me..
" do you remember that day when you asked her to play badminton with you?"
" yeahh..i do"
"so, it all happened that day....where......................"
"Cibai this girl!" she said.
"who are you talking about?" he asked
" It's your that one.....! stupid girl!"
" why did you call her so?"
" It's because she's stupid! like you! Give no respect for people! always hurt people!"
Then, her close friend, or so called best friend interrupted...
"yeahhh! she's only nice when she wants something from us!"
Then, he argued... threatening them....
" you guys talking bout her, do you know that I can just tell her about this? Why can't you guys talk behind me? cause I can tell her y'know"
" Just tell then, like we care.."
Then, the so called best friend interrupted again..
"yeah! so that she'll know that she hurts people with her words"
"and it's okey if she knows.... I just lose one friend, and I still have many............."
2 of my close friends were there at that time too...they were speechless..
So....yeah, maybe it's bad to be me. I claimed her as my best friend, but I can;t believe that she hates me for who I am.. I'm just rude..everything I do is rude.. If you asked me to open a bottle's cap, I might bend the bottle with it's cap in a funny shape in the end...
And when someone annoyed me, I will just keep quite. But the 'keep quite' sometimes will end up as an explosion..
seriously.. just because of my phone text " .l.(((( "
but I'm gald that her true colour is being shown... after 4 years.. ^^
and her so-called best friend..she was my classmate 6 years ago and we got 'close' starting this year...so yeahh... and when she said that I'm nice when I want something...it's all just because of me bullying her with a guy... for example, his name is Andre and her name is Amy..
So, I just called her Any....and at that time, I needed her help on something from facebook...which I can't remember..but I this it's bout our team..and I need her help.. but she refused, cause I called her Any.
So yeahh I retyped "Amy~" and then, green light....
But duhhhh!!! I never thought this would happen...
Knives and stories being created...
but it's okey, I.AM.STRONG.
She's my classmate. She's my partner in Physical Education. But the worst thing is, she's my best friend..
" It's okey to lose a friend, cause I still have many...", she said.
Here's how the story goes:
It was 24th July, our school ends at 2.30pm..and I always get back home earlier than her and some of my close friends. When I was in the car, on my way home, my mum asked me whether I wanna play badminton. So, before I agree, I messaged my 'best friend'..
" heyy, wanna play badminton? around 3.30pm at sport complex"
"no..I'm lazy"
".l.(((" <--- it was suppose to be .l.(-.-)" , but my phone is broken..so yeahh
Then, after 3 days later, one of my friend accidentally blurred out about what had happened that day. He wanna keep it as a secret, cause he's afraid I might feel betrayed..but, I forced him to say them all out.. after hours of trail and error.. I managed to force him to spill the 'secret' out.. he told me..
" do you remember that day when you asked her to play badminton with you?"
" yeahh..i do"
"so, it all happened that day....where......................"
"Cibai this girl!" she said.
"who are you talking about?" he asked
" It's your that one.....! stupid girl!"
" why did you call her so?"
" It's because she's stupid! like you! Give no respect for people! always hurt people!"
Then, her close friend, or so called best friend interrupted...
"yeahhh! she's only nice when she wants something from us!"
Then, he argued... threatening them....
" you guys talking bout her, do you know that I can just tell her about this? Why can't you guys talk behind me? cause I can tell her y'know"
" Just tell then, like we care.."
Then, the so called best friend interrupted again..
"yeah! so that she'll know that she hurts people with her words"
"and it's okey if she knows.... I just lose one friend, and I still have many............."
2 of my close friends were there at that time too...they were speechless..
So....yeah, maybe it's bad to be me. I claimed her as my best friend, but I can;t believe that she hates me for who I am.. I'm just rude..everything I do is rude.. If you asked me to open a bottle's cap, I might bend the bottle with it's cap in a funny shape in the end...
And when someone annoyed me, I will just keep quite. But the 'keep quite' sometimes will end up as an explosion..
seriously.. just because of my phone text " .l.(((( "
but I'm gald that her true colour is being shown... after 4 years.. ^^
and her so-called best friend..she was my classmate 6 years ago and we got 'close' starting this year...so yeahh... and when she said that I'm nice when I want something...it's all just because of me bullying her with a guy... for example, his name is Andre and her name is Amy..
So, I just called her Any....and at that time, I needed her help on something from facebook...which I can't remember..but I this it's bout our team..and I need her help.. but she refused, cause I called her Any.
So yeahh I retyped "Amy~" and then, green light....
But duhhhh!!! I never thought this would happen...
Knives and stories being created...
but it's okey, I.AM.STRONG.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Getting a life
Hiiii!!! awww!! It's been a while, really. And now I'm hungry...I know I'm random, but I'm me! I'm hyper now though~ wewewe~ I'm trying to make my blog interesting, cause I'm not an interesting person =/ so yeahh...I just want you guys to enjoy! ='/ and at least I'm getting a life here, rather than eat and sleep and chat and laugh and no life.... -.-"
Now I'm playing my facebook. Oh, add me up! Van Leaster =)
I'm chatting with my friends on facebook chat. and after that, I will have to do a birthday card for my friend whom I grew up with x) He's like a bratherrr to me! His birthday is tomorrow, but yeahh..this is like a last minute 'project'.. hopefully everything will be fine..because I went to the printing shop just now and the worker printed wrongly -.-" so i have to change plan! Plan B!!
I dont know if he'll like it or not..I just hope he appreciates it! He likes Lady Gaga and I'm doing something in his birthday card related to Lady Gaga =D
I guess that's all for my updates..see...I'm a boring person! But I'm born this way! hahahaah! ya right >.>
Now I'm playing my facebook. Oh, add me up! Van Leaster =)
I'm chatting with my friends on facebook chat. and after that, I will have to do a birthday card for my friend whom I grew up with x) He's like a bratherrr to me! His birthday is tomorrow, but yeahh..this is like a last minute 'project'.. hopefully everything will be fine..because I went to the printing shop just now and the worker printed wrongly -.-" so i have to change plan! Plan B!!
I dont know if he'll like it or not..I just hope he appreciates it! He likes Lady Gaga and I'm doing something in his birthday card related to Lady Gaga =D
I guess that's all for my updates..see...I'm a boring person! But I'm born this way! hahahaah! ya right >.>
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