Born to be different

Life.....
is never easy.
Life.....
doesn't always have a happy ending.
Life.....
is a challenge.
Life.....
is what God had given you.
Life.....
is not a joke.

I'm just jealous to see how a person could be so strong and smile sincerely everyday.
I hope to crawl under their skin and see what did they do to make themselves so happy.
Why can they? But why is it so hard for me to find my own happiness?
Stupid lil things could upset me a whole day...fake laughter, fake smiles, fake me....
Stupid lil things could cheer me up easily too.....
They come and go, like the wind...
Don't you think it's unfair for a person to be happy most of the time and has less problems to face, compare to a person who fuckin' hates their life cause life just sucks?

I hate waking up and started feeling down or empty and just hate everything! I feel pathetic!
It's difficult to remember anything that could cheer me up!
Cause at that time, all that comes to my mind are questions...
" Why me? "
" Why am I born? "
" What do I worth? "
" Why does God hate me so much? "

I know it doesn't make any sense for me to blame God......but.........I couldn't even understand why either...

You wanna tell and share to your friends or your families, but you find them not listening and not trying to help..
You're afraid to trust them.
You're afraid they'll laugh at you.
You're afraid they'll finger you.
You're afraid they don't believe you.
You're afraid you'll be such a nuisance .
You're afraid to feel scare......

I remember my friends used to laugh at me..I still clearly remember their laughter in my head..
I WAS JUST TRYING TO FIT IN! I BECAME A PIECE OF SHIT AND A JOKE TO THEM!
I hate to be judged! I hate to be laughed at! I hate to be who I am not! I hate trying to fit in!

When I thought I've found myself...
Hate myself.
Listen to screamo-s.
Turned colder.
Fall into a darker path....
I'm glad I'd found myself. I'm happy by then. I feel complete and home...
I was then called FAKE! I just couldn't understand why.
I couldn't understand what fuck do they what. I couldn't understand why they don't see myself like I do.

Wanna see who I was? This is who I was.... I swear that this is the first time I post this photo public...
This picture taken when I was around.....13..
I miss who I was...
I miss how crazy I was...

2008

2008

When I was 15, I fell apart...I'd changed
I'm into Gothic stuff...
Cause it's easier to fall....
As a teenager,
There's a lot of lesson to learn,
A lot of problems to face,
A lot of tears to shed....

Smile is just meaningless....
But I'd tried....

Nov 2010

2011

But now, I believe I've grown stronger....
I'm still trying to understand and to find the reasons....
Find the answers....

" Tomorrow is another day "

I apologise for being emotional here. I'm just screaming my heart out....indirectly....

So, for any of you who's facing the same problem as me...
Who changed because of you past,
Who hate cause no one trusts...
I've heard your silent screams....

We're different..
We're different from them...
We're born to be different...
It's hard to be different and to be accepted...

We just want to be accepted...

This is why;
We have to learn to accept ourselves...
We have to learn to forgive ourselves...
We have to learn to find ourselves...
We have to learn to blame ourselves...
We have to learn to stop hating ourselves...
Stop trying to fit in...
Just be who we are...

I'm telling you these and I' telling myself too....

I don't deserve

Today, we ( CT-ians) celebrated Venus's birthday... It's an advance birthday actually. Since tomorrow is Friday... not only that, we also celebrate Ada's birthday.. her birthday is suppose to be in November. But she'll be in Hawaii...so yeahh..

And as I said, I will not be there with them today...this is all because of Venus..hahaha! I just don't think I deserve to be there... I planned most of the things, I mean supervise on how are we gonna surprise her and also Ada.. It goes like this;

Venus loves to use people's stationery, so, all of us buy a stationery for her (there are 17 of us, excluding her), for example; pens, scissors, pencil lead, post-it-note and all.... This is for fun only. Haha!!
And the theme is : PURPLE

Oh, and Ada doesn't know that we're gonna surprise her too~ We have to be quick cause Ada is going to somewhere.....somewhere real soon >~<

Back to the point. The plan is 2 of my friends will bring her to the library (but failed) and turned out that she needed to pass up a GP paper. She and Mijah were scolded by teacher and yadayadayadaaaa... At the same time, Arnold and Adrian will rush to the canteen to take the cake. And they will have to be in the class L6-9 before all of us come back down from out teacher's staffroom. Yay!! They succeed to do so! x) Then, we'd prepared around 10 questions for her to answer (during our Personal Studies) and we'd cut paper into a box and threw all the presents (stationery) into the box - this is to buy time, for me and some of my friends to prepare the cake in L6-9.

So, while we were preparing the cake, laughter was heard for Venus, which is a good sign..*I guess...before that, I'd invited some of my friends, so sing birthday song to Ada and Venus. So, after everything was done....with all the candles lighted up and everyone's prepared to go out of the room.....with Mijah and Fifat holding the cake, and my friends behind.....
"Happy birthday to you....Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to Venus.....and Ada (sang by Vivien only -.-) Happy birthday to you"

I was still in the classroom......I was just disappointed and I don't think I deserve to be there...so yeah ^^ I could only sing to her with my heart...
After a few seconds, I went out like nothing happened....I'm a good actress alright...
Yes, as I said, I wouldn't wanna be there at all...but then, I decided to forgive myself a lil bit....cause I don't wanna my friends to be suspicious...so I'll just pretend that nothing had happened on 24th July... I did this for them, not me....
Maybe, for you, it's just a lil thing and I need to grow up and learn to get over it... It's never that easy yaw! It's never as easy as your words... I'm not you, and don't expect me to be you. That may be just a little thing, but that little thing hurts me a little, and killed me a little...
Plus, in the 10-ish questions, one of the question is : when do Van, Mijah, Fifat (and you) become best friend?

So yeah, I'm happy that it went damn well! Even though there's a lil bit ruined cause Arnold kept let words slipped from his mouth... -.-"
Yesterday, he said " oh, later I'll buy the cake and ruler" in front of Venus during lunch time... and just now, he did say something bout the cake...but I can't remember what it was....

And so, Happy Advance Birthday, Venus! I wish you good luck in anything you're doing! I hope you're happy with what you have! ^^

Their trust

Few day ago, my maths teacher told us (class : maths block 1) that...

" okeyyy...so far, there's only two people that passed the test " ....cause she hasn't finished marking our papers

And I got a damn good news today...

" so, I've marked your papers. And there's only 2 people that passed! "

So, guess what? I'm one of the passed damn genius! I got the second place though....the marks wasn't as good as how excited I sound................................but yeahhhh, I got hyper and just wanna share (or show off hehe!!) to my friends......and I planned to tell my parents about it just now.....until the thought of them not trusting crawled into my mind...

Not only my mum, but also my dad.....they didn't trust me...

I'm really, really upset right now...

When I say trust, I mean, me...

My mum doesn't trust me when I say that I'm hanging out with my girl-friends....

My dad too....

" She always stays back at school, I'm wondering if she does that for good (study) or hanging out with guys "

Yeahhh..nowadays I stay back at school, because I wanna change my laziness and in the end I regret for not trying hard in my studies. Life in college isn't easy at all.

Peer pressures. Pressures that teachers put on you as well. Assignments. and bullshits.....

When my mum told me about it...it really broke my heart into pieces. I was really trying hard to prove them that, even though I'm a slow type of person, a person that doesn't know how to cook and a very dependent person, but I'M NOT A USELESS DAUGHTER.

I don't exist for them to compare me with their friends' child who's so perfect and all!

I wanna show that I'm at least capable of something.
I wanna them to be proud of me.

I want them to know that I'm really trying hard to succeed.

I want them to know that I'm serious in what I say.

I wanna prove them that what happened 3 years ago wasn't luck.

I wanna prove them that I'm actually a fighter.

........

And

.......

I want them to realised that I've changed....

I've tried hard not to shout at them, instead, I keep them all te anger to myself

I've tried hard not to upset them, instead, I'm a pathetic daughter in their eyes

I've tried hard to hide these pains away, instead, I suffer every night

I've tried hard to prove them wrong, instead, I didn't have their support

I've tried hard to change, instead, I didn't have their trust.

So yeah, I've made my final decision, I'm not gonna tell them anything...

Happy or upsetting news...or whatever... It's just nothing.....It's just wasting my time....

" Oh, great! Keep it up!"

That's what they'll say....I knew it..

I'm feeling incomplete, broken without their trust....

Maybe some of you understands.

Maybe for some of you, it's nothing.

Maybe you're thinking that it's just a small matter and just get over it.

Maybe you're thinking that no one fucking cares

Maybe you're thinking I'm just a piece of shit that complains life.

But you'll never know unless you put on my shoes and walk with it for 18 years...

WE ARE NOT THE SAME

What I've said here, are just part of my story.... what happened in the past, I hope I could forgive my fucking stupid, useless self and forgive everyone too..

Beautiful words

The word 'forever', never exist in my life.
The word 'love', never exist in my life.
The word 'prefect', never exist in my life.
The word 'Guardian Angel', never exist in my life...

"I Love you", he said/ she said.

For me, those are just words..they never meant anything. Even for those who said 'I Love you' to their love ones, they will also end up being single or divorce.. Words are just words. Funny, how they can make someone feel better, even just for a while only..

'Love' between families is difference, how different? I have no idea. You, yourself know =)

After all these tough years I've been through alone, I longed to hear beautiful words...
Words, beautiful words, that were said by my dad:
" Do not create your happiness by hurting others"
" I know what kind of person you are. You're like me. You're not an open person, you love to keep everything yourself, which now has become your anger..."

I will bring his words to my grave with me... His words are much meaningful than the word 'I love you'... My father had save a part of my soul without his own knowing.... I love you, dad. Thank you, dad.
Thanks God, for giving me a father that understands me...even though he didn't really show any affection...

I'm back for now!!

So, what's up? I'd just finished my exams just now >.> I was tiring..I mean everyday is tiring.....for these week... slept at around 12am and woke up at before 6am.... The next time I remember is being in the hall with studentsssssssss.....

And yeah, just now I hung out with 2 of my childhood friends. We talked bout what's happening, we told jokes, talking bout the pressures we're facing.. and I talking bout my -who I claimed- as my best friend, Venus, backstabbed me...
Damn, when I talked bout it..my voice sounded broken... I tried to hide the pain and the shame..but my voice....*sigh

A few more days will be her birthday, but i have something in my mind already..
My group will always celebrate our members birthday..and I planned to run away or hide or vanish or disappear that day.
I don't want to be there celebrating with them on her birthday, I don't know why...I just think I don't deserve to be there... Plus, I just can't be there....
Now I'm typing every single words about her, I feel lost and angry and upset and stupid....
So yeah, I have everything planned in mind. I'd already planned how to surprise her x)
It's just, I do not want to be there that day.. never!

And, maybe that's all I wanna share today.... I need my sleep right now..... 'sleep debt' =p
Take care out there!
Don't make the same mistake like me, being blinded so perfectly ^^
It hurts....it really does, no matter how hard you try to be cool...

A level!

Hi guys.... I'll apologise in advance cause I will not be able to update my blog for-this-mean-time... cause my EXAM is sooooooon! It annoys me. A lot!
The reasons why I study hard are:
1) Exams
2) To make my parents happy
3) To study over-seas (cause secretly, I wanna get away from Brunei..hehe! cause I just wanna start fresh!)

One of my DREAMS is to be involved in Music Industries.. =/ It's been 11 years....but wait, don't misunderstood what I mean...I'm not 11 >.> I hope it won't be another broken dream of mine...*sob sob*
So, my plan is to study over-seas...start fresh and where no one knows me x)
And focus on my studies and my dreams as well.....

So yeah, that's all... byes! and Take care everyone!

Thankyou Avril!

Today, I wanna write about Avril Lavigne, who has been my idol for 5 years..and this year is the 6th year. I grew up listening to her music..
I remember, when I was around 7 or 8 years old, there's no such thing as laptop and internet for me.. but, I have a radio....a radio that belonged to my mum...
I listened to songs that belongs to Evanescence, Linkin park, Britney Spears,Westlife and Avril Lavigne!!

It was 'Complicated' and 'Sk8ter Boy' that kept on playing on the radio....
Was too dumb and young to understand the lyrics..but, I was having fun with my sister and cousins! I didn't even know the song title and the artist back then.. We sang rubbish..hahaha!! I love being a child again...

Last year, my teacher had this lil program called 'Show and Tell'...
My friends talked bout their fav artists, like Bruno Marz... Some talked bout their hobbies, their collections and all...
And I decided to talk bout Avril Lavigne!! It didn't really work out well ='( cause I was nervous and everything that I had in my mind just..*poof* I showed them, my 'Avril Poster' (I only have one..*sob*) and my collections of her CDs...

It was 2006, when I first bought this laptop (the one I'm using right now -.-), my cousin helped me to put some songs and videos into this laptop..and tadaaaaaa!!! I quickly then fell in love with the song 'Complicated' eventhough it was a lil bit too late... So, yeah...all these time it's Avril Lavigne... And there was  (my laptop has been formatted) her songs ' I'm With You', 'Losing Grip' and 'Sk8ter Boi'.. when I know how to use the internet.....it is all mine!!! hahaha!

Her songs are not just music and lyrics....
They are real and deep.....
Especially the ones that my life is connected to her song lyrics... =')

" Who knows what could happen? Do what you do just keep on laughing. If one is true, there will always be a brand new day"

" I don't know who you are but I'm with you "

" I tried to believe you, but I don't "
" Tomorrow is a different day "

" Her feelings she hide. Her dreams she can't find. She's losing her mind. She's falling behind. She can't find her place. She's losing her faith. She's falling from grace. She's all over the place."

" I'm small and the world is big, but I'm not afraid of anything "
"All I need to know is I can breathe "

" It's innocent, it's brilliant. I hope that it will stay.....cause I need you now "

" The truth isn't far behind me, you can't deny "
" Reality overcomes me, I'm living a lie "

" When you walked away, I count the steps that you take "

" Everybody hurts someday, it's okey to be afraid "

" Wipe your tears and put up your head "
" I know, it's hard to be stuck with people that you love, when nobody trusts "

" I cried a little bit, you died a little bit "

These are the parts in her songs that I love......so far I can remember ^^ So, thank you, Avril for everything! Because of you and your songs, I found a part of myself that I don't understand...

" Why should I care what people think of me? I am who I am and who I wanna be"

Best friends?

Hii! sorry that I've delayed my updates... A lot of things are happening right now...

And I just wanna share my problems, so that my viewers that read them, won't feel alone =')

First of all, my problems never come alone... It all started with one, accompanied by another and another..

I used to have 3 best friends, but.....
One of them back stabbed me...
One of them always ignored me even when I'm in front of her...I have no idea whether she did it on purpose or not...
The another one.....I feel as if she's using me...

So I don't know what to say next....
My best friend that ignored me....or maybe not. She pretended that I wasn't there even though I'm directly in front of her.. I don't mean that she has to talk to me or give me her attention... but....if only any of you understand what I'm trying to say. A 'hi' is enough for me or a smile... I'm tired of feeling invisible... and at least she won't be the one....
Last night, I re-read my old diary, we fought in 2010, around June or July... she was in a badmood and so was I... and I can't really remember how it started cause I didn't write in detail..
" So, you lose your best friend, and mine was taken by 'shark'! I feel sorry for you, and I think it's better if I became close to you!!"
" You used me! "
That's what she said. Now we're alright though, until today...but..*sigh* I don't know....I'm confused..

___

My another best friend, it was 31/12/10 - I saved her text till today.. I remembered that I called her 'baruk' which means ape in a rude way or something..then, she got sensitive cause she misunderstood my intentions...I think I asked her whether she wanna join us playing badminton..but, this is her reply...
*Translated*
" Yeah, the message that you sent, at least be polite. What if someone called you so? "

And I remembered that I said that I'm okey with it if people call me such...

" What if people call you an ape? At least the text is proper, then it's okey if you started to joke around calling people apes, but you, you do it all of a sudden. It feels like you're insulting me, I know, that I can't really hang out with you guys because of my parents... what if people call you such? Won't you be mad? hehe! I'm not mad though.."
 But, it's my bad too, I never thought that she would get offended with that word...
*
Then, It was on 01/08/11 - she texted me again with another cellphone...
" Hi sis, this is me, can you help me?
" It's okey, I have money problem, can you help me? "
" I wanna pay my notes for this exam. My friend want the money on Wed. But I don't have enough money. I need around $** "

So yeah, I scolded her a lil, by said that when she needs me, she's good to me. But yeah, I just lend her my money.. I mean borrowed her..without even telling anyone..especially, my parents.. It's just a few dollars..
But before that, I did messaged one of my best friend for confirmation, and yeah, she told me that this girl has financial problems... her parents...

Until today, she hasn't pay me.. I don't really mind though.. but she promised. That promise is the most important to me...
Financial problems?? Her clothing is wayyyyy fancier and better than mine... I love being simple though, and so does she.. but whenever 4 of us hang out ( which is once in every blue moon -.-), she looks nice and cool and all.... She bought new phone. It was sooo new, that she wanna buy another new one. She wanna buy a laptop for the shop that I used to work when I was waiting for my O level results... I just don't get it!
*
And when even she wants me to transfer her phone credit, she'll just say " Sis, transfer me some credit "...
I mean, am I a friend or a toy?
*
And It was around Jan 4th 2011. She told me something really, really unexpected that I can't share here. I can't believe that I'm involved in this kind of thing... She was scared and so was I...I could just give her advice cause there's nothing I can do to help her rather than stressing out... *sigh* At first, she's afraid that I'll turn my back on her.. but I didn't!
I told one of my cousin, who is abroad about it, he did help me to calm down.. He told me to be by her side cause this is the time she needed me most.. and yeah, I didn't turn my back on her or something.. I did try my best to offer her the best..but it turned out, she never listens...

So, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! I always feel like breaking down whenever I thought about this...

Am I so invisible? A puppet? A bad person? A money changer? A freak?