fuckin' Judgements

*sigh* so, I guess this is the only place where I can let go my anger and thoughts without hurting them...well...unless they read my blog >.>

So, I have this friend, Cam who thinks that she's a perfection or something! Everything anyone does, she'll judge! JUDGE! JUDGE! JUDGE!
Well, who do you think you are?!

First#
It was last year, I was trying hard to save my cellphone's credit cause I'm starting to get broke. Plus, I recharge my phone credit, with my own money! Those money that I saved! So, to those who sent me a direct text..what I mean direct is:
1) not a question text
2) not an opinion text
3) whatever....
I won't reply! What's the use of replying those text when they give you a fact or something -.-"
And damn! Wanna know what she said? Of course you do!

" HAHAHA! A village girl! "

I have a question : so what?
Cam and my friend, Venus were laughing so hard like what Cam said won't offend me...so yeah, I 'laughed' with them...just to hide the fact that I was offended...

Second#
This happened few weeks ago, in school, in my classroom, L6-4. We're sitting in groups, ready for the teacher to call out our names for attendance. There were 6 of us in that group. Then, we noticed that 4 out of 6 of us, our watches are white in colour. Two of my friends, Ada and Lindsay had the same brand watch, that is Ice, but different design.
Then, Cam asked Lindsay where did she buy that watch. And Lindsay said that it's her sister (who studied in UK) bought it for her.
Out of the blue, Cam said that Ada's watch is unoriginal and WTF?!?! she LAUGHED at the statement! I mean, seriously, GROW UP! Ada was obviously hurt, but decided to take is as a joke and joked about it. I just shut up, cause I was shocked, angry and confused! I just couldn't understand how could Cam laughed at it!

" That's unoriginal! It's fake and copyrighted! hahahaha! "
" No, not copyright. But copy paste! haha..."

I have a question: so what??
Then, we all dismissed or is it the another day... I asked Ada how did she feel cause, even it wasn't me, I just can feel the pressure. She told me that she's okey cause she did joked around with the cousin, Alan, about the watch...but I don't know what or how did they joked about it..

Third#
It happened just now at school! I kept rolling my eyes! Dammit! How I wish I could stand up for them....I'll wait when it's time! I SWEAR!
My friend, Jaden was bored during break time at school. We have this group called 'CTs' and we always hang out together at our meeting point. There were 2 bench side by side, where the chairs are screwed with the bench. *I made myself confuse too! No worries if you don't understand HAHA!
The point is, he put his legs at the edge of the chair and then they slipped or he did it on purpose and blah3...
Then, Cam got annoyed and started scolding....or in other words, started to use words to hurt people's feelings...
I can't really remember the whole conversation....but I can clearly remember...

" Those are cheap shoes! "
" Well, I'm not rich and I don't have big house your you do.."

I have one question : so what???
Then, WTF?? She got mad! HA-HA! I mean, c'mon Cam!!! You didn't notice that you've hurt a lot of people..and everyone that you think is bad or selfish...THEY ARE JUST REFLECTING WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO THEM!  Wake up!! You've not a pity as you sound, you know.. I don't feel sorry to you. Every time, I have to secretly apologise to the ones that you've hurt. I just don't have hatred to build up..

------------------------------------------

I seriously wish that one day I will say these to your face.. to wake you up! If you started to hate me, I appreciate that, cause I know I've said it right..

" So okey, okey.. You have your Adidas bag which I believe is original. Your school shoes are original too...ohh! Are they even made from croc skin? Your stationery, they're not simply Pilots or Fiber Castle, aren't they? Yeah, I'm being sarcastic! You might be laughing now, you might think it's god damn funny, but you have no idea how many people you've hurt! There's already so many people against you!! If you don't change, there will be more people hating you! So shut up and when you got home, lock yourself in your room and think about that I've said! And if you got into your senses, come back and apologise to the ones that you've hurt! If you don't know who they are, I'll tell you! "

" Do Not Create Happiness By Hurting Others " - my dad

Andrew's 17th birthday!

Hii! whatsup? I have something real random to share with you all! =D
It was my friend, Andrew's birthday yesterday and.....I guess he kinda had fun?

His best friend, Jaden, who is a very understanding guy plan all those surprises!

It really too time for him to go into the classroom L6-3, where all of us are waiting to sing a birthday song to him..... 5cm candles melted to 2cm -.-"
He had a crush on this lovely girl who feels the same way too, and she agreed to celebrate my friend's birthday with us too...actually, that's the biggest surprise ^^

So, yeahh...at last, he went into the classroom and everyone sang birthday song for him..but we're no great singer..so yeahhh >.> The girl held the cake as he came in with the annoyed face..cause he was embarrassed... Totally! He looked like he wanna shout at us. He looked like he wanna run away from all of us. He looked totally confused. He looked happy too.

Andrew sliced the cake with..................style -.-" so that he'll look cool I guess? And he left the knife there. We asked him to slice it once more, and that good boy did as what was told ^^

It was soooooo obvious that he acted cool >.> That's what guys always do, isn't it? Then, the first cake that's being slice was given to him...because of his shyness, cause the girl was there, he didn't have the appetite to eat..so he gave it to my another friend, Joe, who ate greedily..

Then, a slice of Andrew's cake was given to his lovely crush.
He looked really angry at that time...but actually I figured out that he was just trying to hide his shyness..not just me! Even his friends (girls) thought he was mad..but his buddies was happy to put him in that way...hahaha!!

I was with my other friends behind them, and I saw Jaden signaled the girl to give the cake in her hands to him. She's really willing to do it! awwww~ and of course he accepted it. Then, he turned around to face the windows, to eat the cake (I guess).. His 2 of his buddies' head pop out and they teased him..so he turned his head back in and face us all... =P

So, it was time to take pictures.. both Andrew and his crush are shy, but were willing to take pictures together..

" closer!! closer!! "

And plenty of pictures were sweetly taken by Jaden and Joe, as they teased both of them along..

At last, everyone dismissed and went back to our meeting area. He was smiling and thanked us. He thanked us in twitter too.

" Thank you, guys! Thank you! "

" You're welcome!"
" You're welcome! as long as you're happy!" I said =p

I know he doesn't really like it, but I do believe that he enjoyed it! He's just that kind of person...
I understand it cause he has an attitude like a friend of mine whom I know for 11 years! ^^ so yeahhh

I really hope that they'll be together! Happily! Forever! Go for it bro!
What happened that day, kept making me laughing and smiling ...cause both of them are just cute together! x)
He should thank me now! I'm helping him to write one of his happy history here~~!! Yuhuuu~ =p

Deceiving Memories - Venus

This is a poem that I wrote on 4/8/12 about my friend that back-stabbed me...
She's also the one in my notes 'Best Friend Holding knives'...

I dedicate this song to her.....and Jerry...

I remember;
How we used to shout the answers,
With confidence,
When our teachers ask us some questions,
Even though we know they're wrong..

Chemistry experiment!

going to bandar for a talk

I remember;
How we told each other it's okey,
Knowing the consequences,
But we never give a damn.
Cause we're just afraid to lose...

2009 - Playing badminton at Sport complex

2009 - playing netball....for fun?

I remember;
How we called each other names,
Without getting offended,
How we swear and curse,
Without feeling hurt...

Mie was just too embarrassed to show how chaotic
I'd messed up her hair - 2009

Jolibee-ing 2009

2012 - midnight

I remember;
How we used to sing out loud,
Even when our voice suck,
But we were having so much fun,
Where our friends sing along...

2012 - karaoke-ing

2011 - Sufri singing competition
Song : I Will Be

These are just another Deceiving Memories...


I remember;
How we hung out until midnight,
Didn't know the time,
Sometimes we just wanna fight,
Cause we're just 'drunk'...

2009 - Mie over night at Venus's house

Crazy, ugly, but fun =) All panda eyes!
Van (top - left),
Pat (top - right)
Mie (bottom - left)
Venus (bottom - right)

I remember;
How we took ugly pictures together,
Just the four of us,
Realising that we've come this far,
Kept repeating like a verse...

Just the four of us

I remember;
When we surprised you on your birthday,
Even though it was just a cake,
You cried happily,
It worth more than me feeling worn out that day...

Tadaaa! 2011 - a surprise for her during O level

                                                                                                                  VanLeaster - 04/08/2012 -

Gone are all these days.....
Cause you've changed and nothing's the same anymore...
I'm your friend that you hate...
But I couldn't do the same...
I appreciate all these broken memories...
I'm sorry that I've hurt you with my words...
I thought you understand me well...
I'm different from your other friends...
I swear a lot, curse a lot, hate a lot...

I've written a song, called 'Venus' for you...
I hope one day I'll able to sing for you... ^^

Vat? What?

Last few weeks, my best friend, Mie and one of my 'group' members had this random conversation during break time at school...
Not really, a joke, perhaps? They were just trying out German accent, I guess?
Which is hilarious............................for me =p

" Vat is yo name? "
" Vat is not mah name "
" So vat is yo name? "
" Vat is not my name! "
" Ohhhh, so vat is yo name?? "
" Vat is not my name!! "
" Zen vat is your name? "
" My name is not vat! "
"Ohhh, so your name is Not Vat "
" No, no! My name is not Not Vat!! "
" Yo name is not Not Vat? "
" Yes, my name is not Not Vat! "
" Zen, vat is your name?? "
" No! my name is not Vat! "

And so on and so on! HAHA!! It's funnier if your get it! Just being random doing x) Having a good mood...so yeahh xD
So, there she is!! Van (me) on the right and Mie on the left x)
We took this picture around midnight where we're hanging out till late night.... the four of us..

Why you?

Today, I have an argument with one of my friend.............again.

And he brought up the subject about the guy that I used to like, and still like.... even though he did unforgivable things. I tried to hate the guy who was perfect to me, but I always ended up forgiving him..

Jerry is who I called him...

It's been 2 years and I need to move on. And my friend wanted me to move on too, but he did not know that it's really hard for me to do so, even though Jerry was never mine.. He was never mine...

Imagine.....
Someone who you think he's the one,
Someone who you finally put all your trust onto,
Someone who you put all your heart to,
Someone of your dream,
Someone you know was perfect,
Someone whose words were so real,
Betrayed you.....
Hated you.....
And wanted to do nothing with you....
Just gone like that.........

It was last few weeks, he told me that he know the jerk, Jerry. And he told me things that I never told him, like the name Jerry exist, cause Jerry isn't his name at all...
I kept asked him how did he know Jerry...but he never wanted to tell. I appreciate that, but my curiosity....

Then, finally, during the argument just now, he told me that he and Jerry are cousins...

That is depressing... It was harder to breathe after that...

We, then, just wanna settle those arguments.. and he apologised for this mess..

I forgave anyone easily...

But, I'm sorry, It's harder to forgive him now than usual.....
I wanna apologise too, but my anger and depression......It's harder to forgive now....

If these shits kept on repeating, I won't be able to accept my fate and move on...

STOP DROWNING ME!!

Useless creature that I am...

Recently, 2 of my friends have been pranked by an unknown person through texting.

Both of them are from my group - gangs(?)

And we have clues that, that person is:
1) 80% sure it's a  guy
2) someone from our school
3) someone we know
4) someone just as stupid as a piece of shit that wanna do things like that..

But the thing is, they simply accuse that it's one of our gangs member....
He is the one that stood up for me when my own 'best-friend' back-stabbed me in one of my notes called 'Best-friend Holding Knives'...

While me, I did nothing. I tried to do something...I really tried to prove them wrong, cause I know it won't be him. And why would he do that anyway? But I'm just afraid that they might think it differently, because... so I remained quiet the whole time they bring that subject up.

I did tell them that it won't be him, cause he was seriously blank and he even asked me for that son-of-a-bitch stranger's phone number and phoned him (or maybe her). Unfortunately, it was unreachable..
I mean, see, even though they accused him, he still try to help them..

Gawdddddddd..... I really feel guilty! T.T
I wanna text him to apologise so bad, but I have no guts to. I mean, he stood up for me, but I just can't do the same. How useless I am!! I'm just not a good friend.. T.T

I'm sorry!!!

I'm sorry!!!

I'm really, really, really sorry!!!

"Friends"

This happened in 24th of July,
There is nothing more than a bigger lie,
Finally I realised it's time to say goodbye,
Goodbye to the world that there's no light...

I claimed you as someone I trusted,
Never knew I was perfectly blinded,
Can't handle me when I curse?
Won't expect you to handle me at my worst...

Didn't know what to feel cause it's empty,
Just keep in mind that I don't need your sympathy,
After what you've said, now I won't need your accompany,
"It's okey to lose a friend, cause I still have many"...

I know who I am and my mistakes,
Thanks for telling me, but you've betrayed,
'Telling' me from behind with my name,
Now I know who my real friends are...

The scars that no one knows

Hey, lemme tell you something that you never knew...

I know,

It hurts to fall.
It hurts to lose.
It hurts to know the truth.
It hurts to being used.
It hurts to be betrayed.
It hurts to love.
It hurts to hate.
It hurts to trust.
It hurts to care.
It hurts to let go.
It hurts to feel broken.
It hurts to breathe...

We are all, everyone, not you yourself, are born to lose, are born to fall, are born to be broken and all...

Believe it or not, those are the reasons why we are still here, why are we still standing on this ground...even all of our own..

Believe it or not, those shits made you stronger..

Believe it or not, those shits made you wiser...

When we fall and lose ourselves, c'mon, stand up with all the courage you have. Don't wait for anyone to pick you up, they might lose their grip and let you fall. So, stand up with your own feet, like you did when you were little. Your parents were there to tell you it's alright...but they did not help. Why? Cause they've been where you are now. They know that someday you will fall...

When we know the hidden truth, the truth that we're being used and betrayed. It hurts like flames burning in your open heart. That shows that they're not the one cause they are not good enough for you.. Grow up. Don't let them to drag you down again. Do not do the same for revenge, instead, do the opposite. Treat them good, treat them sincerely nice. oh, and do not forget to smile, always! even though you have to fake them, just smile!!

It hurts to love, cause you're just afraid that you're not good enough and you're the reasons for their tears. No, you're wrong! Be yourself, don't try to change just because you think you're not good enough. God created you unique. If you're the reason for their tears, appreciate that, cause they cared for you. You made mistakes, but it's okey. No one says that you're born perfect. But learn from your mistakes and do not repeat them. Chances are hard to find.

It hurts to hate, especially the ones you care for. They hurt you, you feel broken. You hate what they did to you. You wanna get over them, by hating them. But it seemed you kept for giving them because of those sweet memories of you all being together. Do not hate, because when you hate, you lose! but what do you have to do? Simple! Appreciate what you had with them, and keep them as memories. Start look at the bright side. I know, it's easier to just fall to the dark side, but c'mon, try!

"It took years to gain a trust, but seconds to break it"
Yes, this quote is true, isn't it? You may trust a person, but never try to give them all your trust. Because in this world, only you can trust the person when you're standing in front of a mirror, that is you. People normally trust someone who is beautiful, better, greater and all.. but what you see, are they just images or their soul? If you trust so much, it will break you as much as you trust that person. so, think about it before its's too late..

When you cared about someone so much, it is really hard to let go. Because you're just afraid to forget and lose what you had with that person. You're just scared. You wanna keep them as part of your memories, but you did not let go..not matter how much lies you told yourself that you've let go. Stop telling those lies! Make what you said happen! Just recall everything you had with that person, for one last time, then let go..
Because your happiness weren't theirs, don't let them to take away your happiness from you!
Because you will find yourself when you let go.
Because your happiness is when you are strong to let go.
Because your friends and families want you back.

You are broken, but no one seemed to fix you. Fix yourself! Believe in yourself. Believe that you're not weak. You may need some help from your friends or families. Let them help you. Listen to them. They're just putting the broken pieces of your soul together, but it's you to fix yourself with your believes.

Sometimes, we never wish to live, cause it hurts to breathe. 
Have you ever try to end your life?
Have you ever feel so tired that you wanna stop breathing?
Have you ever wanna scream so loud that the world would listen to your pains?
I know, it's a yes, yes and a yes. But do look at the bright side. One day you'll understand why. Do not let the worthless things to bring you down. Keep breathing! Keep searching for the light in your dark box. There will be surprises if you win to fight! Do it step by step. You don't have to rush. It is like when you were little, you'll get surprises when you get good results in class or when you win at a running competition.


This is all I wanna say. I've been all these shits.
But I really wanna thank my friend, Joy, for helping me with what I've suffered for those blinding years.
He had hard times in helping me cause I never wanted to listen. But then, I tried to open my eyes.
I'm not completely healed yet, I still break down and question God when I recalled the hurtful past.
But I know I'm stronger. 
I will be strong enough to get through all those shits... I BELIEVE.

If I can. Why can't you? We're the same.
We're made from flesh and blood...

Demi Lovato

Hi there again! I'm back! =) whatsup?

I'm not a fan of Demi, I just love her voice..she has the best voice. They're just pure from heart..
And some of her songs are just nice..
But then, her songs inspired me in every way..

Later on, I realised some of her stories substitute with mine..
They inspired me.. How she's became stronger...

While, me, I'm............................
I never ask for a life...

Her concern, her words...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_6jn6KDVEw

----
My dreams...every fucking dreams of mine, never come true..
In my school, we have this position called 'PG', I'm dying to get that position..
The reasons are for respect, pride and I love to feel responsible...because I've lost all of those long ago..
I fell, and keep falling, and start hating....

What have I done to deserve this? If life is so pain, why did He give it to me. I never ask for it! I never want it!!! I am weak! I hate to lie to myself everyday that I am strong!!
Loser!

I'm tired of being back-stabbed, unimportant, being used and all shits that are happening!

And I know, that there's others out there feeling exactly what I'm feeling... broken inside, faking a smile..

How I wish Demi would write a song about............