Depression. Cut.

I think it was few weeks ago, when I come to realised that I'm actually DO suffer from Depression. I was just having fun, play some online quiz about whatever which I can't remember. The ones that sometimes pop put in Facebook. I do not, never believe in the answers, until one of those gave me 'Depression' and gave some details about it.

I then, went to check online about it. Say, there are 10 'symptoms' to 'prove' that you are suffering from depression, and I got at least 7-8 on em.

• I cut
• I got irritated very easily (for no reasons)
• When I can't sleep, I can't fucking sleep. But when I do, I sleep like sleeping beauty (for unexpected hours).
• I can't stop wanting to ingest food.
• Negative thoughts
• I thought life is worthless, and I would never wanna live in the first place. I blamed God for even given me one.
• I always felt disappointed and sad.

I remember those days when I cut.

People that don't understand us, cutters, will never understand us, unless they stop calling us emo.

We, the cutters, would either hurt you or hurt ourselves if we can never take it, if we were push to our limits (emotions). Quiet, yes. Happy, yes. Bubbly, yes. What hurts is unable to stop thinking about the 'problem' and we need to let it out. But what hurts the MOST is having to hide it under sleeves and smiles.

The cutters would always want help, but would never be able to speak up. We screamed in silence, but hoping someone would hear us.

I have stop cutting, but whenever I'm emotional (anger or sadness), it was NEVER easy to stop telling myself not to cut. NEVER. I always have to say no, or else I will regret. I always believe that tomorrow will be okey. 

"TOMORROW IS A DIFFERENT DAY".

For better or for worst.

Yes, it feels good to cut, but only up to what point?

Only up to that day itself, and the next day, scars everywhere.

Now, I think I'm improving. I'm getting better.

I've stop cutting. I've stop blaming God (lol). I've kinda stop eating 'unconsciously' because eating help me to think. I mean I think a lot when I eat. Though I cry myself to sleep or go somewhere quiet and pour my heart out by writing. Writing songs or poems.

But I still can't stop all those self blaming and guilt and never good enough thought. I know I have these thoughts, I just can't stop them.

So, I hope anyone suffering, that is reading this not-so-helpful blog, would always be with me, because I wanna get this through with you. I may not know you. and you don't know me as well, or maybe just a little.

And idk why I've suddenly got so fucking emotional today and decided to let it out. I randomly search songs and found this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gi8pMNV-4h4

I.FUCKING.CRIED.

At first I was just listen to her story, but when she sang about her mother and how she'd be so selfish, my heart felt heavy and I broke down.

I mean, how could I never even think of the one who may lose her life by giving me life. If anything were to happened to me, it WILL break her, because half of her is in me.

My mother never knew I cut. I remembered when she saw some scars at my hand, I always managed to give 'logic' reasons. I always felt she doesn't care enough. But what if something were to happened to me, the 'enough' will be too late. It didn't even give her the chance to really care by then, cause I might be gone.

I don't know how long I can or will hold on till I get another few slices in my arms. I hope to get over it.

I think, doing things that we love will help us. Now, I'm starting to dance again, even though it wasn't good, but I enjoy it. Singing comes first for me, of course. I've met people who love to sing and are very random. And always look for inspirations. Inspirations are all around us, it is only YOU to realised it. The person beside you may be suffering from something worst, but is still holding on and do not self-harm or have negative thoughts.

Keep yourself with positive people.

I know, the way I'm babbling now is as if I know all shits. but trust me, I'm here for a hand and from my experiences on how I 'managed' to stop cutting (only).

And again,

"TOMORROW IS A DIFFERENT DAY".

what I want.

So, like the title...
my sister asked me, what I wanted for my birthday.

I'm so old already gais.. T.T damnn...

Anyway, Idk what i freaking want. I mean, when she doesn't ask, there are a lot of 'oh, i want this', 'i want that'...but when it comes to the real deal. My mind went blank! Zzz...

I mean, it's not that I'm demanding, but everyone should have a special day...at least once a year.

I told her I wanna oreo cake. But actually I don't. Mai gadd...it's complicated.

But now I think I know what shits I want for my birthday. I want people to greet me, not only greet cause Facebook told you. Meanwhile, I think I should celebrate for not self-harming, for at least 2 years already bebeyhhh!! During my bday, I wanna eat all food I love without having to puke them all out. Yes, I'm sorry...but bulimia... that's where I am now. I wanna enjoy food from restaurants that I have never been. I wanna spend time, maybe at least 2 hours in the dinner table with my family, and not talking about school or future. I don't wanna hang out with friends, just family. I'm not really a family type of person, but when it come to my bday, my family is the one that is the most sincere one. During my bday, I wanna be appreciated. Fuck. No. Idk. Whatever. Thinking about this is killing me. Fuck.

I just wanna be myself. No bulimia shits. No whatever. U just wanna enjoy.

How about you gais? =)

I've shared my piece. Don't forget to share yours.

Chaw! =)

I'm back! happy hols! =)

Hi guys! Yeah, it is me again. Hmm..

So, it's Decemberrrrrrrrr!!
I know, you guys haven't heard from me for so longggggg.... where have I been?

I was just busy with all my assignments and projects and yes, DRAMA!! Drama onstage and drama offstage.
Okey, I'm now in a quite awful university, but with awesome new friends, especially my drama friends. I love them so much. ❤

But friends from my major course...they're ermm...some of them are nice. Others are just, not even friends..i mean i haven't consider them as my friends =P idk...i mean we know we are classmates, but never say hi or what shits. We ignore each other. And some of them, i never knew they exist and are in the same course with me. So, oh well... im not a friendly kind of person as well. Can't blame them for that.

I have a lot of things to share about my drama friends...so should i say family? They are all lovely. Sometimes i dont feel i fit in here...but, they do make me feel i do, sometimes...in a way...indirectly...without their notice... but i do enjoy hanging around with them. Yeeep! Damn, i can talk about each one of them..i can write a 10 pages essay about them, or even a book! Wootsss!! I can write a book about them and what we did in class and about our rehearsals to out big performance and about we share food and about....and about...there's too much to share! XD

But whatever it is, i hope to know that i exist im their eyes and life. I hope im not invisible to them. I hope they love me for who i am. I hope to inspire them like every each of them do.

What they never knew is they lifted me up. I've became more confident in my acting skills, it is all because of my gorgeous lecturer. I wanna start dancing again because some of them are dancers and yeah, they made my soul alive again. I wanna be brave to be able to sing in front of at least 2 people, cause they inspired me to. I wanna be able to speak or voice out, cause they taught me to...indirectly. i wanna thank them. Their existence made me a better person. I wanna keep moving forward. I wanna stop blaming myself.

What they never knew is what i can't tell them. All of these are what i wanna them to know. But, im just afraid they will listen now and forget about it tomorrow. That would be a fucking cycle of my pasts. Haha!

Oh wait! I thought this post is suppose to be about holidays! Haha! I'm so sorry.

And hmm...this holiday, I don't think I will be going anywhere.. my life is plain boring.

So, yeah..ermm.. HAPPY HOLIDAY! AND DO TAKE CARE! THANK YOU FOR READING MY LAME POST.

IF ANY OF YOU READ THIS POST TILL THIS VERY END, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY, YOU ARE AWESOME! =P

And you care...

Puppet.

Dragged around, or followed behind,
You and I, eye to eye,
What can you see in this smile of cries?

I have a friend, whom idk how we'd got sooo close that we even call each other brother and sister. I'm older than him, but he's taller than me. But he kept calling me a 'younger sister', and he calls himself the 'elder brother'. While I kept making corrections, I'm the elder one and he's the younger one (di di). Haha! We always argue about this and most of the time nonsense. I love to bully him and vice versa --"
The sad news is, he's leaving Brunei. Actually he'd been studying in the same university as I do, but he'd decided to leave for some reasons. He told us (my friends and i) his reasons and we understand a lot.

He has made a very brave and wise decision. So young, but able to think like an adult. Yaw bro! I respect his decision. SALUTE!

We'd agreed to may be, somehow, take Philosophy as our breath in uni, but HE BETRAYED ME!!! I kept calling him betrayer...non stop.... respected betrayer!

oh, uh..where was i? yes, It was damn sad to know he'll be leaving.

We, as in my other friendssss and I planned to have a farewell party for this brother of mine, at night. but had a lil bit of conflicts. cause most of them don't know what to bring. So, I was like fine. That's not a problem, cause this is a farewell party and not a fucking gathering. And idk why some of them are making this shit a big deal. So, ok fine.
Then, we have a conflict of where it should be held. Either at one of these people's houses or in a restaurant. and blah3...finally, restaurant wins. so, ok fine.

I was kinda pissed off of my friends who think that food is a fucking problem. Cmon, we won't fucking die for being hungry till the next morning. So, ok fine.

I'm now god damn broke and wanna save some money. Everyone was supposed to arrived at 6pm. But some of the arrived at 6.30pm. And me, the Queen AHAHAH! and my sis decided to be there at 7.30pm, but then we arrived at 8pm.

I've actually planned to go there late for a reason. Just one.To see if anyone will be worried and text me. While my sis, she's just stressed out about all those BS.

If one of my group members left, the others would be paranoid and kept asking or texting. But...an hour has passed, 2 hours have passed. Then, there's a text from my good friend. She's treating this brother of mine as her brother too. So yeah, our jokes and 'wifi' and connected hahahaha!!

She texted me. " Vaaaann..I miss you" and some sad emoticon, and oh shit. I broke down right away. I don't actually know why I've cried. It wasn't because relief that someone cares, but oh....out of 18 people, only one texted me. Then, after a few minutes, another friend texted me, asking if I'm coming. and yeahh...you know what's next. yes, cried as well.

2 out of 18..haha! It's not that I don't appreciate. The two of them are going to the same uni as I do...so, they care, while the others even don't give a......oh no, they never give a shit about my existence. Idk why am I in this so-called group. I wanna get out and be on my own, but I love them.

I have a lot of stories on how they never even (try) to acknowledge me. I feel like a puppet. It's not that I'm a bitch trying to praise myself, but I think they want me here for my face only. FACE! not my attitude...I'm a substitute. A puppet.

And some of them only text or call me when they need a partner to join an event or whatever shit. Now I just realised that I always say 'okey'.

All these times I just wanted people to appreciate whatever I've done. Good things or bad, I just wanna people to remember me for that i do or did. But whenever(sometimes) when we, as a group talked about every each person's 'trademark', like my other friends..they're remembered for being a 'crybaby' or 'a person with lame jokes' or 'a sleepy head' or whatever...then when it comes to me, everyone shuts up, trying to think of something. Haha!

I'm feeling so small and useless and dead and a loser. But this smile is my god who helps me to cover up every dying emotions of mine.

Puppet, I've no soul,
Seeing black is all I've known,
Would you blow a soul to this life or take it away?
It's alright, I've died a thousand times...

When I arrived and we hung out, the asshole ( my di di) sat on the chair beside me and kicked my leg. He asked why did I come so late. I told him, I do whatever I want (jokingly ofcourse) and I told him that i've just came back from Bandar blah3...those are not lies.. I really came back from bandar and reached home at about 6pm.

But that's of course isn't the reason. hahaha!

Thank you for spending your time in reading my bullshits. muahh!! xo

Crush crushed.

Hey there, every budeyhhh!!! =D

I'm fine, thank you! Pfft...as if you would ask =P

I'm just here to share about what I'm feeling recently. Oh Goshh.... wai wai wai... =/

I'll be in university (I hate this!) on 4th of August! =D <--- fake happiness. duhh...
and we had this orientation for a week, starting form 20th and ended at 26th of July.

AND

AND

ANDDDDD....

I have this secret crush (well, of course it's a secret...but not anymore?) on this guy! hahaha!
I never knew he exists or will be in this uni with me..until on 23rd July..we had this 'fun' ice breaking activities. I saw him passing by...this god damn far away tho. But he just caught my attention. LOL.

Sadly, we weren't in the same group. hmmmp! =/ But luckily we aren't in the same group or I'll be nervous as hell. And my shivering body( yuppp! It's was cold!) would stop shivering! hahaha! I bet you know how it feel when you see someone you....like?

Okey...then, everyone was about to go home..they're waiting to be picked up cause everyone's too lazy to drive~
And there he was standing like 30 meters away from me? D'= hahaha!

He's tall. Has dark hair. Doesn't look like a typical Bruneian. Hot (keke!). Doesn't look like one of those desperate guys. Doesn't look like one of those flirty guys....ohh..wait...... =X

I remember, it was on the 25th. When I was talking with my friends, laughing like shits. I turned and looked across..I mean on my left.. I saw him. He looked at me (?), smiling. !@*&@! How I wish? ='/ I hope he's not smiling at my friend HAHAAH! xP

Hmmp!! Idk what to think right now haha!
I have to keep telling myself my purpose of coming here. I'm here for revenge.

Revenge to those people who made me be so down.
Revenge to those people who looked down on me.
Revenge to those people who drowned me!!!!
.
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.
.
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I remember, it was love that lift me up...and it destroyed me. So, idk if I can hold on to this?

There's a problem again. Religion.
I don't mind (I guess). But my ancestors do...
It's hard..it's hard.

hmmppp! =/

I'm feeling sooo insecure right now.

Mix emotions right now. Hey, don't judge me yet. You've never knew what I've been through.
I'm sober now...I believe I am. I don't wanna go back to the past where shits get rough.

I believe some people understand these mix emotions of mind right now. haha!

I guess that's all. I know you're bored reading already.

BYES! hugs and kissesssssssss!! muahh!

Self psychologist me

Hi gaiz!!! =P Miss meh?

Ok, I know it's a lame intro..hmmm.. ='/

Btw, I'm here to share my experience as a part time teacher in a primary school which I studied before! yay! x'D

It was a fun, tiring, stress and priceless experience. For real! =D
I've got the chance to 'observe' different personalities and different lifestyles that they're having.

The Playful ones; they are usually smart, but they have this god-damn active gene in them. They love attentions. They may be lazy, but once they settle down, they'll listen (for a while). You have to be there for them, ALWAYS! They are very adorable and really wants your attentions. They don't want to be scolded, they hate it. When you scold them, they'll rebel. How? Run around and play. So, don't waste your energy to scold them. I promise you, they'll listen when you talk nicely to them. =)

The Smart ones; They are smart. The End. haha! They can be quite annoying sometimes, cause they taught they can outsmart the teacher in a way, where they disrespect the teacher. SOME of them only, not all of them.

The Talkative ones; Ughh...these kids, they usually get bored very easily and out of focus. It's easy to get back their attentions though, but scaring them. hehe!

The Cute-Overload ones; They are always lovely. You will always love them. LOVE LOVE LOVE them! Some of them are very understanding. Sometimes, It seemed like they knew you have a bad day and they behave. They may be naughty sometimes...but unlike the Playful ones.

The Never-Understand-Anything ones; okey, these kids are really annoying cause you want them to understand and have a better future. EDUCATION MAN!!! but they never listen and when you asked them, all they would say is 'I don't know'. FULL STOP.

Okeyyyyyyyyy~ I think that's all =)

I hope you enjoy this post. Byes!

She doesn't wanna share. HAHA!

Heyy yaww!
I'm here to tell a funny short story. It happened yesterday (24.5.14)...children's day.

My primary 1 students kept following me everywhere I go. It was tiring having to talk and answer their endless questions. T.T They would hug me with their sweaty...erm...sweat? haha! I was gross.. x( sorry..... There were a lot of my favorite students by my side at that time...from primary 1 to 4...the classes that I taught.

One of my primary 1 students, Vivi..suddenly she was idk..she just looked at me. Usually, everytime whenever she saw me, she would go " Hi Teacher vanessaaaaaaaa..". She did at first, and then she just looked at me. face frowned.

After that, the students had what's it called. The one that you'll jump in a sack. Jump. Jump. Jump! Vivi and her friends came to me. Then, Vivi told me "teacher, why many students like you? I don't like it. I cried just now." hahahaha!

I was like, "what the heckk..." I feel annoyed, but at the same time, I feel bad. ahhaha! Kids.. =) I was like that too when I was a kid. She reminded me of me.

Okey...after that...wait, this part isn't funny anymore..lol..
I was helping and watching and standing for 3 hours..and then, I got hungry. Plus, I wasn't me who'll be in charged. So, I'd taken a break with my friends. After that, I went up to the office to have some air-cond. ahah!

While I was resting, rather than looking at shits, I marked my students' books. I was then about 30minutes only I've rested.

Then, this teacher..she came up and said," vanessa, why aren't you helping? Why weren't you down there? Stop marking, you weren't suppose of mark the books. Today, we have to be down there (to the field)". I was like.....If only you fuckin' knew. Rather than arguing with her, I just nodded my head and went out. Don't wanna say much, since I'm gonna quit reaaaaaaaal soon! x'D

It was fun working there, but you'll get bullied sometimes cause you're new. So, yeah.... =)
I really hope that my students could get real great grades and show her my efforts. In her face!