It's safer if you haven't text me at all

Hi guys! How are y'all doing?

I'm here right now, writing my blog cause my mind has jumbled up.

It was about 6pm when I looked at the text that he sent me..it was around 2pm?
I kinda had forgotten who he is cause I've deleted his phone number and all this text. Texts he'd written on papers, I've gotten rid some of them. He told me that he apologises for all the mess he'd done. Yeah, we've been ignoring each other all these time. That's the best thing we can go. I mean I can do after I'd pushed him away even though he told me that he'll try to wait. But it was less than a month or two. He found someone. They'd gotten along really well though there's some obstacles I know cause my friends told me so. It was kinda a childish problem..where the person who was close to the girl kinda threaten him by saying childish stuff. He's kinda the third person, but it wasn't his fault to fall for this girl. It's about the girl's choice. I told him before, and I hope he still remembers it.
so yeah, he's texted me and now my mind is really a mess right now. I don't know what to say. The funny this is..he said, " It's almost christmas, so i guess i'm brave enough to ask for apologise frm you".
What should I do? He apologised and asked me to do the same as well? Or was it me who think differently? Or am I correct? Or does he apologise cause it's almost christmas? Or does christmas needs apologies?

Oh God! It's better if he haven't text me or such.. I'm so lost right now.

Just now, before reading or knowing he would text me..my mind was thinking about my future, my life and how am I gonna improve my life and my family's.

If he's asking for forgiveness. He's asked the wrong person, cause I couldn't forgive him. I did push him away, but that doesn't mean my feeling is completely gone for a month or two. It hurts to see things I never expect to see. The toughest thing I have to do was to be tough in front of my friends and seeing my friends pretend too so that they won't hurt my feelings.

Why did I push him? Haha! cause I didn't trust his words he said. I've experienced such shits. And I was right..I never regret pushing him away..cause the result is clear after the one or two month.

Until now I have no idea what to say..Should I apologise cause I wanted to? or cause he asked for it?
I don't know! I don't know!

And the reason I'm putting this in my blog, it's because I don't wanna write it into my diary. It hurts to read it when I'm writing another problem of mine next time. I never wanna tell anyone about it, not my sis or my best friend(s). Never my mum.

Oh God..help me...
I don't wanna do this.
Why the fuck would he even text me? Asking for forgiveness because she told him to? Or was it because he's feeling guilty? Or was it because he's afraid of God's punishments? Or was it because he wanna be friends again? ( I know this won't be the reason tho)

I'd told him that I've forgotten everything and forgave him, but the fact is I'm too weak to do both of them. I'm so sorry. The anger hasn't fade yet.

I think I can forgive him for what he'd said to me..even the lies. But I can't forgive him on what I saw, when I was still.... I still can't.. I hate to see the guilty looks in my friends' faces..picking their words carefully or the 'oh no' looks they gave me when they accidently talked bout him..

Haha! What should I say? what should I reply him?

I'll feel guilty for not replying him..

Chased, escape..dreams.

Hi guys! =)

As my previous post stated that I'm gonna talk 'bout my dreams..

Yeah, the dreams that I'd dreamt because I was dreaming when I was dreaming. Haha! Annoyed? =p Who cares? Lets have fun!

So, I remembered of being chased and I was escaping from someone. No, I wasn't just a person, there were I think 3? 2 kids and 1 adult. The guy (adult) had (or was it have? ) a crush on my mum and I remembered that I wasn't really myself at that time and I told him that I'm gonna tell my mum about this. And he was nervous and wanna stop me. He was scared and looked like he'll do anything to stop me from exposing that secret of him. Oh, he told me that he had ( or have) and crush on my mum..that's how it'd started.
I quickly enter the car (my car) and try to drive away. Then there were 2 kids (?) trying to stop me. And I was really scared and try'na drive away as quick as I could. I remember telling myself that my driving skills are okey and has improved a lot..so it'll be smooth. But when I got to the main road..there were a lot of cars (like duhh) racing like hell. And I panicked. I didn't know if I'm gonna make it or not..If I'm gonna live or not. Cause the guy looked like he's gonna hurt me and the cars will kill me instantly if I wasn't cautious.. I have the fear until today.
Haha! I know it was a dream, but it'll bring a big impact to you..like falling from the stairs or buildings. Gosh, that feeling you got that'll wake you up. For sure.

Other dreams..I can't remember, but I knew that I was being chased too..cause you know the feeling you got. We tend to remember the feelings we feel when we were dreaming eventhough we'll forget the dreams. True or true? =p

The very recent one is..I was at the beach..having picnic I guess with I don't know who they are. I think they are my friends. I remember that I walked...keep walking. I don't know if I was trying to run away or trying to find something or someone. All I can remember is the sky..the sunset. I was B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L! =) Really beautiful.


I'm doing my research right now and found out that being chased is because you're afraid to face the reality and have phobias or fears about or on something.

Links will be here:
www.dreamdictionary.org/common/chase-dreams/

dreamstop.com/chase-dreams/

It's all from the internet. They're good.
So I guess that's all! Haha! Thankyou so reading (if you're actually reading)

Thankyouu! =')

Thankyou Thankyou Thankyouu!

My very previous post, I've stated that I wanna reach 2000 total views. And I've exceeded 2000 just by that one post. Thank youu so much. I don't really care if you're interested in those random stuff I've written. Haha!
Thankyou again!

I bet there are some of my friends who helped me to reach my goal. Thank you guys! I think I know who you guys are. I really appreciate it =') Thank you and I love you guys!

I guess that's all on this post. I'll talk about the dreams that I've dreamt past few days and months in another post tho. So, hang on if you guys wanna know some more craps. Haha! =)

Oh, btw, I'm listening to 'Already Gone - Grey ( Kelly Clarkson )' haha! I'm on that mood right now.

Hi Hii Hiii~

Hi people! =D I'm so sorry for not updating you guys! Even thought you guys are not interested, but I'm just gonna tell you guys anyway! hahaha! I'm ill. And I have quite a few updates! x) Oh, sorry to be rude, but how are you guys? =)

So, lemme start from update no.1!

1) I've finished college! yay! but still waiting for my results which will be released around March? And this point will lead to no.2.

2) I haven't found any job(s) yet. I'll be having 8 months holiday...and I need money so bad! I need those money to spent on things that I want (not need). My parents never give me money for unnecessary things. haha! I'm happy, cause they made me independent =)

3)I've planned to create a new blog (I think I've said about this before tho) to put all (maybe) of my poems, cause I find it a shame to not share them to awesome people like you guys! =) oh, I'm gonna update you guys if I've created the blog.

4) My fav singer of The Voice has made to the top 3! @Will Champlin #Champs !! I love Tessanne Chin too tho!! xD

5) My dog has given birth to 7 wonderful puppies, but one has died. The six puppies, me and my sis have given them names..they are 'Froze', 'Buabua', ' Twinkle' , 'Obiz', 'Olaf' and 'Smix' hahaa! Cute, funny names =9 and yeah, 'Olaf' is from the cartoon 'Frozen'

6)I've planned to do a video to one of my poems too (I think I've mention about this too before).. It's bout raindrops. =)

7) I've made an Ask.fm account. Here it is : ask.fm/VLeaster ask me questions if you guys have nothing to do =D

8) I've started drawing again..weee haha!

9) Just let you guys know..no, I'm not in love, but lately, I'd have a crush on a guy who isn't my ideal type of guy..but, idk..We awkwarddddddddlyyyy made eye contact a few times, and I saw something in his eyes. Kindness and sincerity. That's why I have a crush on him. Oh, confused? I believe that 'falling in love' and 'having a crush' on someone aren't the same =) but we're impossible, so I think I'm just gonna let this crush go away (David Archuleta's song - crush playing hahaa!)

10) I have a driving license already! yay! but I seldom drive, cause it's stressing!!

11) The total number of viewers viewed my blog is 1907. And I've aimed to get 2000 total viewers before 31 dec 2013 at 00.00. haha! which also means before 1st of Jan! =9

so..11? yeah 11 updates! I think that's all for today. Take care guys =)

Past notes; past life

Hey guys! whatsup?
So yeah, last night I read my notes that I'd typed in my phone.
I typed those notes in my phone when I'm sad, angry and happy...
When song lyrics popped out of my mind and I don't have papers with me.

That phone has been with me for 5 years already, imagine how much it has gone through with me. It is always there for me.

I read those notes yesterday cause..I don't know.. I just feel like it.
I've realised that I've grown up already and have grown stronger tho, it's always the same thing that hurt me again and again...

...Parents, friends, almost lovers, words...

I've hated everything.

Parents? I don't like talking 'bout them. Do you guys have this feeling where you hated them so much, but in some ways you love them and know that you can't live without them?


Jerks say that they'll be here with me and all...but, they left, cause I've pushed them away.
Do I feel good for pushing them away? Yes. cause I won't know if they'll hurt me or not.


I used to have a crush on this guy, but when I knew he's gonna go to New Zealand for further studies, mu heart just crushed into pieces. I remembered that I watch as he walked up the stairs to the airport. And then, he's gone. Tears did flow silently. It's just a lame crush and I think this is the time when I really fell for someone.

I had a friend who've said that he'll be by my side, but he'd just gone. Left me really hurt and empty. He made me fell for him.. he said " I love you" every night before we sleep. But when I fell for him, he realised it and just left. He told me that he left because he doesn't want me to fall for him. What have I done? He shouldn't have done that to me or any others. I've cried the most for this guy. I hate him, but I miss him too. I bet he won't be hurt at all when me met that day with God's approval, while I was faking all the smiles and laughter. He's already used to it. I've ended our friendship 3 years ago cause I was hurt and I wanted to forget about him and move on. But I still can't.

I've when to a place with my dad and I met a guy. I mean I had crush on him. The day that we've last meet. I somehow like to look at him, but he never knew. And yeah, since it's that last day..I know I won't be seeing him anymore until today? If we were to meet, I don't think I'll remember his face. I've cried silently in the car cause..just my luck.

I have a friend, whom I worked with when I was still waiting my o level result and he'd helped my quite a lot. He knew my problems and I knew his. He bought me a blue bracelet to motivate and whenever I see the bracelet, I'll have to stop whatever the wrongs that I'm doing like..... Almost every night we'll text and we'll send like almost 100 texts in Fb inbox just to annoy each other. We'd played firecrackers with our other co-workers. I was amazing cause at that time, it was raining too. Now he's like in the west and I'm like in the east now. He's working and I'm still studying. So, we're not in touch at these times.

I have a friend where we've lost the feeling for each other already, but we are still friends until today. I'll always pretend that there's never anything happen between us. If I've chosen him instead of the another, I guess we'll already be together. I didn't choose his cause it seemed like he doesn't care. Behind his jerky and playboy attitude, I've found him funny and caring. He's actually not as what he seems.. I think. And yeah, I've cried for this guy.

I had a friend whom I've pushed away as well, cause I can't keep going with him by my side. I'm scared that I'll get hurt and I'm afraid to hurt him more. So, I've just kept pushing away. He let me go. I'm glad and I'm not..I don't know. But, less than a month I guess, he found someone already, while, I have not gotten over the pain. I've hid it well.He let me go cause he doesn't want our friendship to end. I've never wanted our friendship to end as well, but we're not talking anymore. Now, I never wanted to talk or see him at all.
I've tried to talk to him by texting him, but he didn't really reply and that's when I knew that something is going on and he's gone.Did I regret pushing him away? A big no no.
I've cried for him not just once but, I'm glad that I didn't accept him in the first place.

I have a friend who kinda hide the truth that he's already taken. He'd been kind and nice to me. I never knew he liked me until my friend told me. So, he has 2 Fb account and he'd given my friends another account and not the one he'd added me. So, I'm doing like an 'investigation'..I found out that he has a girl friend already and they've been together since 2011. I wasn't really shocked at all cause my another friend told me that he's already taken. I'm hurt at first, but I managed to get over it. Funny how that day (I didn't know the truth yet), he asked me to sit beside me. But I refused cause it's kinda awkward. Then, he asked 'you've rejected?'. I pretended that I can't hear what he'd said. He kept repeating, and I kept pretending. And yes, I kinda fell for his hidden 'kindness'. I'm really dumb.

So yeah, all of these shitty above..those are the ones that I had crush on and had dated, but never with them at all. I'm feeling stupid but quite relived right now.
I don't know whose fault at these mess?
Was it because I'm dumb or what?
Just a failure that I am.

Giving up for me

I have this sorta friend who has a crush on me. I was cold, but he was really funny and I fell for him. He was still in a relationship at that time, but he'd ended his relationship. He's a lady killer and a playboy. I like him, but I'm afraid that I'll end up like his ex-es where one of them is my friend.

My cousin told me that he asked for my phone number and my cousin gave it to him.

Few months ago, I called my friend's name 'Ling', but then he answered. Ling is also darling for short. Then, I looked at him, feeling annoyed, but he gave his really cute smile. Oh god.

Another day, while he was having a rest with my cousin after a sport that they'd played, he sang 'Someone like you' by Adele when I was there. Then, out of the blue, he asked me whether he's hot or not. I said no. Then, he kinda begged me to tell the truth. I still say no. Then, my cousin called him gay. After that he acted all gay and my cousin was afraid of him. HAHA! I then asked, what's wrong with him? My cousin told me that he likes me. 

I don't know how, I just fell for him. Damn.

I caught him looking at me tho from a distance, cause I kept looking and finding him in the crowd.

But I'm gonna let this feeling go away. He didn't text me or whatever. Duhh..haha! so whatever.

It's all for my own good and I don't want my friendship with my friend to end.

I'll be sad, but yeah.

Crawling into my dream

It was a tiring day, standing under the burning sun. So when I when home, I did whatever i will normally do. Eat and sleep. As I was taking a nap/sleep for 2 hours, suddenly I dreamt about him. Yes, I wish and not wish, to see or meet him today. I really wanted to, but I'm scared. I really was.

I dreamt that my and my friend, S were in a shop when we met him there. To my surprise, he actually worked there, but I thought he was suppose to be at his school which is one hour away from town.
In the reality, he told me that he'll graduate this year. He decided to continue for a degree though.
So, the me in my dream was like what is he doing here? And yada yada yada, I've forgotten some, cause I don't know how I actually have the guts to talk to him. Actually, I was there smiling and blushing, feeling nervous and all, cause he's talking to me, when in reality, he ignored me. Pretending to actually talk to me, but only reply once or twice, and poofff...there he went away.
So, it was kinda amazing when he talked to me (in my dream). He told me that he was actually waiting for me to call him and all. I looked at him. I looked inside him. I feel wanted and love, like I used to when we were ermm...unofficially dating?
I was smiling and my friend, it was her first time seeing the guy that I loved and cared so much. I remembered, she was smiling too. He was behind me, watching us leave. I was seriously happy and blushing all the time.

I remembered, looking back at him and he was doing his work and singing randomly. I remembered I was thinking, " wow, he changed a lot ", cause he looked stronger and hotter HAHA! He was wearing black.

And I don't know how, I just woke up..
It was just a dream.
I didn't get to see him today? But he's in my dream. He USED TO be the person in my dream.