I was planning to type all my sad feelings out here.
But what if I focus on the positive side this time?
I am in Surabaya, Indonesia for my 3rd year - Discovery Year. This is where students are required to go outside of the university; abroad or local. The programmes are such as Students Exchange Programme, Internship, COP and so on. Mine is under SEP (Students Exchange Programme).
It was on 19th Aug 2016 (Friday), that was when I left Brunei to Surabaya. My flight was at night and my family and friends were there. None of the CT-ians came or at least wish me well? So does Mr. disappointment who asked me about my flight 3 times. Fuck that. Anyway, I did not expect to cry. For some unknown reasons, I broke down. It all started when I hugged my mom. I just felt sad. I hugged my sister, then it was a little bit of awkwardness for a moment because I did not know if I should hug my father or my mother first... It doesn't matter though, then I went to my mother and finally to my father. I cried like a baby when I hugged my dad and when he started to brush my hair. Oh my gawddd... Finally, I went to Fang and then to Mijah. Both of them couldn't hold back their tears too. LOL. Losers.
When I first arrived Surabaya... omg, I just ate instant tomyam and oats just now and now I'm hungry again. Sometimes, I wonder how many stomach chambers I have. Back to the topic, There were 6 of us coming to Surabaya, but the other 3 guys came only later. We were greeted by come volunteers and our buddies. It took about 45 minutes to arrived to our apartment from the airport.
My friend, Ir brought 5 luggage, Zir brought 4 and so was I. The volunteers had a hard time solving puzzles. When I say solving puzzles, we did not play puzzles on the road or in the car. What I meant to say was, he kept putting the bags in and out of the boot cause the luggage couldn't fit into the boot. It was a hilarious moment.
But before we were greeted by the volunteers, there were 2 to 3 older ladies "waiting for us" and calling us. They were so loud and were desperate. I stopped Zir and we almost went to them. Luckily Ir saw the volunteers holding pieces of papers with our names printed on it and with our Surabaya university's logo. Two things came into my mind when I saw the older ladies that called us. First, it is perhaps impossible for the volunteers to be that old. No offence though. Second, they were quite violent (as I mentioned 'desperate').
I guess I will continue again tomorrow. I have an upset stomach right now. Perhaps, it was because of too much instant noodles cause we were too tired/ lazy to cook. I miss my mom. LOL.
Monday, August 29, 2016
Saturday, August 27, 2016
Run.
Run.
How dare I allowed myself to fall when I've always been afraid of heights. Seeing you or hearing from you made me calm, and I guess that was why I trusted you as I let myself fall. I trusted you to catch me but you disappeared.
The height was crazy... too tall... like it'll never end.
I wanted to run but it was too late. I listened to the tiny voice in my head and jumped off the cliff. I'm still mid air, wondering when will this end.
If only I have wings.
I hate the cold wind in my bones,
I hate the absence of gravity on my toes,
I hate the imaginations where there are nails and stones below me.
As I'll bleed and bleed and bleed,
As you'll watch me bleed and bleed and bleed,
As I can't beg you please...
If you never intended to stay.
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Catch me.
How dare I allowed myself to fall when I've always been afraid of heights. Seeing you or hearing from you made me calm, and I guess that was why I trusted you as I let myself fall. I trusted you to catch me but you disappeared.
The height was crazy... too tall... like it'll never end.
I wanted to run but it was too late. I listened to the tiny voice in my head and jumped off the cliff. I'm still mid air, wondering when will this end.
If only I have wings.
I hate the cold wind in my bones,
I hate the absence of gravity on my toes,
I hate the imaginations where there are nails and stones below me.
As I'll bleed and bleed and bleed,
As you'll watch me bleed and bleed and bleed,
As I can't beg you please...
If you never intended to stay.
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Catch me.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Why are you telling me these?
Hi people!
Since last month, I have been always feeling low and down.
If you are wondering why, I have no idea...
Too much things have gone through my mind.
My two other friends and I confronted just now, as one of us are drifting. Not me.
She finally told us what happened in her home and broken down.
In the end, when we finally understood why she had been acting so differently, like being mean to us or everyone else.
I figured out that she was trying so hard to conserve her anger and sadness, and did not want us, innocence to be involved. Little did she know, the people around her are hurting. Especially one of the three of us and her very good friend.
I told her that if she remembers that I said, everyone loves you cause you are very kind. and I told her I'm glad I saw that 'you' when she talked her heart out to us. Then, she laughed. Lol.
"I found her!"
She knew that she needed to talk f2f with her good friend and I hope she will, so that everything will go back as it was, as it should be.
My friend's story reminded me a little bit of myself and my best friend.
Finally, we hugged and she apologised.
Some of you may think it is dramatic, but only a few who have gone through this situation will understand.
In the end, I treated her and another friend to a hostel restaurant. We talked a little bit.
After that she left. It was left with me and my another friend. We talked for a while and I told that friend of mine that when I wasn't myself, I prefer people leaving me alone. And few weeks ago I cried alone in an empty classroom (room3).
Then, my friend asked, "but why are you telling me this?"
I broke my heart in pieces, like I couldn't bear to show my vulnerable side anymore. I mean, I need someone to talk to. But... I mean, I wanted people to understand me better too, since we are in these breaking down topics.
It also reminded me of when my 5 years ago past where I told/warm a friend of mine that I'm having a bad day, cause I hope that he would understand if I happened to get mad or act differently. But he told be that he doesn't like it if I tell him, like there's no point.
So, yup. I think I have learnt more about myself now.
With whatever happened today, I'm glad I've learnt lesson too.
No one cares. =)
Since last month, I have been always feeling low and down.
If you are wondering why, I have no idea...
Too much things have gone through my mind.
My two other friends and I confronted just now, as one of us are drifting. Not me.
She finally told us what happened in her home and broken down.
In the end, when we finally understood why she had been acting so differently, like being mean to us or everyone else.
I figured out that she was trying so hard to conserve her anger and sadness, and did not want us, innocence to be involved. Little did she know, the people around her are hurting. Especially one of the three of us and her very good friend.
I told her that if she remembers that I said, everyone loves you cause you are very kind. and I told her I'm glad I saw that 'you' when she talked her heart out to us. Then, she laughed. Lol.
"I found her!"
She knew that she needed to talk f2f with her good friend and I hope she will, so that everything will go back as it was, as it should be.
My friend's story reminded me a little bit of myself and my best friend.
Finally, we hugged and she apologised.
Some of you may think it is dramatic, but only a few who have gone through this situation will understand.
In the end, I treated her and another friend to a hostel restaurant. We talked a little bit.
After that she left. It was left with me and my another friend. We talked for a while and I told that friend of mine that when I wasn't myself, I prefer people leaving me alone. And few weeks ago I cried alone in an empty classroom (room3).
Then, my friend asked, "but why are you telling me this?"
I broke my heart in pieces, like I couldn't bear to show my vulnerable side anymore. I mean, I need someone to talk to. But... I mean, I wanted people to understand me better too, since we are in these breaking down topics.
It also reminded me of when my 5 years ago past where I told/warm a friend of mine that I'm having a bad day, cause I hope that he would understand if I happened to get mad or act differently. But he told be that he doesn't like it if I tell him, like there's no point.
So, yup. I think I have learnt more about myself now.
With whatever happened today, I'm glad I've learnt lesson too.
No one cares. =)
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Depression. Cut.
I think it was few weeks ago, when I come to realised that I'm actually DO suffer from Depression. I was just having fun, play some online quiz about whatever which I can't remember. The ones that sometimes pop put in Facebook. I do not, never believe in the answers, until one of those gave me 'Depression' and gave some details about it.
I then, went to check online about it. Say, there are 10 'symptoms' to 'prove' that you are suffering from depression, and I got at least 7-8 on em.
- I cut
- I got irritated very easily (for no reasons)
- When I can't sleep, I can't fucking sleep. But when I do, I sleep like sleeping beauty (for unexpected hours).
- I can't stop wanting to ingest food.
- Negative thoughts
- I thought life is worthless, and I would never wanna live in the first place. I blamed God for even given me one.
- I always felt disappointed and sad.
I remember those days when I cut.
People that don't understand us, cutters, will never understand us, unless they stop calling us emo.
We, the cutters, would either hurt you or hurt ourselves if we can never take it, if we were push to our limits (emotions). Quiet, yes. Happy, yes. Bubbly, yes. What hurts is unable to stop thinking about the 'problem' and we need to let it out. But what hurts the MOST is having to hide it under sleeves and smiles.
The cutters would always want help, but would never be able to speak up. We screamed in silence, but hoping someone would hear us.
I have stop cutting, but whenever I'm emotional (anger or sadness), it was NEVER easy to stop telling myself not to cut. NEVER. I always have to say no, or else I will regret. I always believe that tomorrow will be okey.
"TOMORROW IS A DIFFERENT DAY".
For better or for worst.
Yes, it feels good to cut, but only up to what point?
Only up to that day itself, and the next day, scars everywhere.
Now, I think I'm improving. I'm getting better.
I've stop cutting. I've stop blaming God (lol). I've kinda stop eating 'unconsciously' because eating help me to think. I mean I think a lot when I eat. Though I cry myself to sleep or go somewhere quiet and pour my heart out by writing. Writing songs or poems.
But I still can't stop all those self blaming and guilt and never good enough thought. I know I have these thoughts, I just can't stop them.
So, I hope anyone suffering, that is reading this not-so-helpful blog, would always be with me, because I wanna get this through with you. I may not know you. and you don't know me as well, or maybe just a little.
And idk why I've suddenly got so fucking emotional today and decided to let it out. I randomly search songs and found this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gi8pMNV-4h4
I.FUCKING.CRIED.
At first I was just listen to her story, but when she sang about her mother and how she'd be so selfish, my heart felt heavy and I broke down.
I mean, how could I never even think of the one who may lose her life by giving me life. If anything were to happened to me, it WILL break her, because half of her is in me.
My mother never knew I cut. I remembered when she saw some scars at my hand, I always managed to give 'logic' reasons. I always felt she doesn't care enough. But what if something were to happened to me, the 'enough' will be too late. It didn't even give her the chance to really care by then, cause I might be gone.
I don't know how long I can or will hold on till I get another few slices in my arms. I hope to get over it.
I think, doing things that we love will help us. Now, I'm starting to dance again, even though it wasn't good, but I enjoy it. Singing comes first for me, of course. I've met people who love to sing and are very random. And always look for inspirations. Inspirations are all around us, it is only YOU to realised it. The person beside you may be suffering from something worst, but is still holding on and do not self-harm or have negative thoughts.
Keep yourself with positive people.
I know, the way I'm babbling now is as if I know all shits. but trust me, I'm here for a hand and from my experiences on how I 'managed' to stop cutting (only).
And again,
"TOMORROW IS A DIFFERENT DAY".
Monday, December 15, 2014
what I want.
So, like the title...
my sister asked me, what I wanted for my birthday.
I'm so old already gais.. T.T damnn...
Anyway, Idk what i freaking want. I mean, when she doesn't ask, there are a lot of 'oh, i want this', 'i want that'...but when it comes to the real deal. My mind went blank! Zzz...
I mean, it's not that I'm demanding, but everyone should have a special day...at least once a year.
I told her I wanna oreo cake. But actually I don't. Mai gadd...it's complicated.
But now I think I know what shits I want for my birthday. I want people to greet me, not only greet cause Facebook told you. Meanwhile, I think I should celebrate for not self-harming, for at least 2 years already bebeyhhh!! During my bday, I wanna eat all food I love without having to puke them all out. Yes, I'm sorry...but bulimia... that's where I am now. I wanna enjoy food from restaurants that I have never been. I wanna spend time, maybe at least 2 hours in the dinner table with my family, and not talking about school or future. I don't wanna hang out with friends, just family. I'm not really a family type of person, but when it come to my bday, my family is the one that is the most sincere one. During my bday, I wanna be appreciated. Fuck. No. Idk. Whatever. Thinking about this is killing me. Fuck.
I just wanna be myself. No bulimia shits. No whatever. U just wanna enjoy.
How about you gais? =)
I've shared my piece. Don't forget to share yours.
Chaw! =)
my sister asked me, what I wanted for my birthday.
I'm so old already gais.. T.T damnn...
Anyway, Idk what i freaking want. I mean, when she doesn't ask, there are a lot of 'oh, i want this', 'i want that'...but when it comes to the real deal. My mind went blank! Zzz...
I mean, it's not that I'm demanding, but everyone should have a special day...at least once a year.
I told her I wanna oreo cake. But actually I don't. Mai gadd...it's complicated.
But now I think I know what shits I want for my birthday. I want people to greet me, not only greet cause Facebook told you. Meanwhile, I think I should celebrate for not self-harming, for at least 2 years already bebeyhhh!! During my bday, I wanna eat all food I love without having to puke them all out. Yes, I'm sorry...but bulimia... that's where I am now. I wanna enjoy food from restaurants that I have never been. I wanna spend time, maybe at least 2 hours in the dinner table with my family, and not talking about school or future. I don't wanna hang out with friends, just family. I'm not really a family type of person, but when it come to my bday, my family is the one that is the most sincere one. During my bday, I wanna be appreciated. Fuck. No. Idk. Whatever. Thinking about this is killing me. Fuck.
I just wanna be myself. No bulimia shits. No whatever. U just wanna enjoy.
How about you gais? =)
I've shared my piece. Don't forget to share yours.
Chaw! =)
Thursday, December 4, 2014
I'm back! happy hols! =)
Hi guys! Yeah, it is me again. Hmm..
So, it's Decemberrrrrrrrr!!
I know, you guys haven't heard from me for so longggggg.... where have I been?
I was just busy with all my assignments and projects and yes, DRAMA!! Drama onstage and drama offstage.
Okey, I'm now in a quite awful university, but with awesome new friends, especially my drama friends. I love them so much. ❤
But friends from my major course...they're ermm...some of them are nice. Others are just, not even friends..i mean i haven't consider them as my friends =P idk...i mean we know we are classmates, but never say hi or what shits. We ignore each other. And some of them, i never knew they exist and are in the same course with me. So, oh well... im not a friendly kind of person as well. Can't blame them for that.
I have a lot of things to share about my drama friends...so should i say family? They are all lovely. Sometimes i dont feel i fit in here...but, they do make me feel i do, sometimes...in a way...indirectly...without their notice... but i do enjoy hanging around with them. Yeeep! Damn, i can talk about each one of them..i can write a 10 pages essay about them, or even a book! Wootsss!! I can write a book about them and what we did in class and about our rehearsals to out big performance and about we share food and about....and about...there's too much to share! XD
But whatever it is, i hope to know that i exist im their eyes and life. I hope im not invisible to them. I hope they love me for who i am. I hope to inspire them like every each of them do.
What they never knew is they lifted me up. I've became more confident in my acting skills, it is all because of my gorgeous lecturer. I wanna start dancing again because some of them are dancers and yeah, they made my soul alive again. I wanna be brave to be able to sing in front of at least 2 people, cause they inspired me to. I wanna be able to speak or voice out, cause they taught me to...indirectly. i wanna thank them. Their existence made me a better person. I wanna keep moving forward. I wanna stop blaming myself.
What they never knew is what i can't tell them. All of these are what i wanna them to know. But, im just afraid they will listen now and forget about it tomorrow. That would be a fucking cycle of my pasts. Haha!
Oh wait! I thought this post is suppose to be about holidays! Haha! I'm so sorry.
And hmm...this holiday, I don't think I will be going anywhere.. my life is plain boring.
So, yeah..ermm.. HAPPY HOLIDAY! AND DO TAKE CARE! THANK YOU FOR READING MY LAME POST.
IF ANY OF YOU READ THIS POST TILL THIS VERY END, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY, YOU ARE AWESOME! =P
And you care...
So, it's Decemberrrrrrrrr!!
I know, you guys haven't heard from me for so longggggg.... where have I been?
I was just busy with all my assignments and projects and yes, DRAMA!! Drama onstage and drama offstage.
Okey, I'm now in a quite awful university, but with awesome new friends, especially my drama friends. I love them so much. ❤
But friends from my major course...they're ermm...some of them are nice. Others are just, not even friends..i mean i haven't consider them as my friends =P idk...i mean we know we are classmates, but never say hi or what shits. We ignore each other. And some of them, i never knew they exist and are in the same course with me. So, oh well... im not a friendly kind of person as well. Can't blame them for that.
I have a lot of things to share about my drama friends...so should i say family? They are all lovely. Sometimes i dont feel i fit in here...but, they do make me feel i do, sometimes...in a way...indirectly...without their notice... but i do enjoy hanging around with them. Yeeep! Damn, i can talk about each one of them..i can write a 10 pages essay about them, or even a book! Wootsss!! I can write a book about them and what we did in class and about our rehearsals to out big performance and about we share food and about....and about...there's too much to share! XD
But whatever it is, i hope to know that i exist im their eyes and life. I hope im not invisible to them. I hope they love me for who i am. I hope to inspire them like every each of them do.
What they never knew is they lifted me up. I've became more confident in my acting skills, it is all because of my gorgeous lecturer. I wanna start dancing again because some of them are dancers and yeah, they made my soul alive again. I wanna be brave to be able to sing in front of at least 2 people, cause they inspired me to. I wanna be able to speak or voice out, cause they taught me to...indirectly. i wanna thank them. Their existence made me a better person. I wanna keep moving forward. I wanna stop blaming myself.
What they never knew is what i can't tell them. All of these are what i wanna them to know. But, im just afraid they will listen now and forget about it tomorrow. That would be a fucking cycle of my pasts. Haha!
Oh wait! I thought this post is suppose to be about holidays! Haha! I'm so sorry.
And hmm...this holiday, I don't think I will be going anywhere.. my life is plain boring.
So, yeah..ermm.. HAPPY HOLIDAY! AND DO TAKE CARE! THANK YOU FOR READING MY LAME POST.
IF ANY OF YOU READ THIS POST TILL THIS VERY END, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY, YOU ARE AWESOME! =P
And you care...
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Puppet.
Dragged around, or followed behind,
You and I, eye to eye,
What can you see in this smile of cries?
I have a friend, whom idk how we'd got sooo close that we even call each other brother and sister. I'm older than him, but he's taller than me. But he kept calling me a 'younger sister', and he calls himself the 'elder brother'. While I kept making corrections, I'm the elder one and he's the younger one (di di). Haha! We always argue about this and most of the time nonsense. I love to bully him and vice versa --"
The sad news is, he's leaving Brunei. Actually he'd been studying in the same university as I do, but he'd decided to leave for some reasons. He told us (my friends and i) his reasons and we understand a lot.
He has made a very brave and wise decision. So young, but able to think like an adult. Yaw bro! I respect his decision. SALUTE!
We'd agreed to may be, somehow, take Philosophy as our breath in uni, but HE BETRAYED ME!!! I kept calling him betrayer...non stop.... respected betrayer!
oh, uh..where was i? yes, It was damn sad to know he'll be leaving.
We, as in my other friendssss and I planned to have a farewell party for this brother of mine, at night. but had a lil bit of conflicts. cause most of them don't know what to bring. So, I was like fine. That's not a problem, cause this is a farewell party and not a fucking gathering. And idk why some of them are making this shit a big deal. So, ok fine.
Then, we have a conflict of where it should be held. Either at one of these people's houses or in a restaurant. and blah3...finally, restaurant wins. so, ok fine.
I was kinda pissed off of my friends who think that food is a fucking problem. Cmon, we won't fucking die for being hungry till the next morning. So, ok fine.
I'm now god damn broke and wanna save some money. Everyone was supposed to arrived at 6pm. But some of the arrived at 6.30pm. And me, the Queen AHAHAH! and my sis decided to be there at 7.30pm, but then we arrived at 8pm.
I've actually planned to go there late for a reason. Just one.To see if anyone will be worried and text me. While my sis, she's just stressed out about all those BS.
If one of my group members left, the others would be paranoid and kept asking or texting. But...an hour has passed, 2 hours have passed. Then, there's a text from my good friend. She's treating this brother of mine as her brother too. So yeah, our jokes and 'wifi' and connected hahahaha!!
She texted me. " Vaaaann..I miss you" and some sad emoticon, and oh shit. I broke down right away. I don't actually know why I've cried. It wasn't because relief that someone cares, but oh....out of 18 people, only one texted me. Then, after a few minutes, another friend texted me, asking if I'm coming. and yeahh...you know what's next. yes, cried as well.
2 out of 18..haha! It's not that I don't appreciate. The two of them are going to the same uni as I do...so, they care, while the others even don't give a......oh no, they never give a shit about my existence. Idk why am I in this so-called group. I wanna get out and be on my own, but I love them.
I have a lot of stories on how they never even (try) to acknowledge me. I feel like a puppet. It's not that I'm a bitch trying to praise myself, but I think they want me here for my face only. FACE! not my attitude...I'm a substitute. A puppet.
And some of them only text or call me when they need a partner to join an event or whatever shit. Now I just realised that I always say 'okey'.
All these times I just wanted people to appreciate whatever I've done. Good things or bad, I just wanna people to remember me for that i do or did. But whenever(sometimes) when we, as a group talked about every each person's 'trademark', like my other friends..they're remembered for being a 'crybaby' or 'a person with lame jokes' or 'a sleepy head' or whatever...then when it comes to me, everyone shuts up, trying to think of something. Haha!
I'm feeling so small and useless and dead and a loser. But this smile is my god who helps me to cover up every dying emotions of mine.
Puppet, I've no soul,
Seeing black is all I've known,
Would you blow a soul to this life or take it away?
It's alright, I've died a thousand times...
When I arrived and we hung out, the asshole ( my di di) sat on the chair beside me and kicked my leg. He asked why did I come so late. I told him, I do whatever I want (jokingly ofcourse) and I told him that i've just came back from Bandar blah3...those are not lies.. I really came back from bandar and reached home at about 6pm.
But that's of course isn't the reason. hahaha!
Thank you for spending your time in reading my bullshits. muahh!! xo
You and I, eye to eye,
What can you see in this smile of cries?
I have a friend, whom idk how we'd got sooo close that we even call each other brother and sister. I'm older than him, but he's taller than me. But he kept calling me a 'younger sister', and he calls himself the 'elder brother'. While I kept making corrections, I'm the elder one and he's the younger one (di di). Haha! We always argue about this and most of the time nonsense. I love to bully him and vice versa --"
The sad news is, he's leaving Brunei. Actually he'd been studying in the same university as I do, but he'd decided to leave for some reasons. He told us (my friends and i) his reasons and we understand a lot.
He has made a very brave and wise decision. So young, but able to think like an adult. Yaw bro! I respect his decision. SALUTE!
We'd agreed to may be, somehow, take Philosophy as our breath in uni, but HE BETRAYED ME!!! I kept calling him betrayer...non stop.... respected betrayer!
oh, uh..where was i? yes, It was damn sad to know he'll be leaving.
We, as in my other friendssss and I planned to have a farewell party for this brother of mine, at night. but had a lil bit of conflicts. cause most of them don't know what to bring. So, I was like fine. That's not a problem, cause this is a farewell party and not a fucking gathering. And idk why some of them are making this shit a big deal. So, ok fine.
Then, we have a conflict of where it should be held. Either at one of these people's houses or in a restaurant. and blah3...finally, restaurant wins. so, ok fine.
I was kinda pissed off of my friends who think that food is a fucking problem. Cmon, we won't fucking die for being hungry till the next morning. So, ok fine.
I'm now god damn broke and wanna save some money. Everyone was supposed to arrived at 6pm. But some of the arrived at 6.30pm. And me, the Queen AHAHAH! and my sis decided to be there at 7.30pm, but then we arrived at 8pm.
I've actually planned to go there late for a reason. Just one.To see if anyone will be worried and text me. While my sis, she's just stressed out about all those BS.
If one of my group members left, the others would be paranoid and kept asking or texting. But...an hour has passed, 2 hours have passed. Then, there's a text from my good friend. She's treating this brother of mine as her brother too. So yeah, our jokes and 'wifi' and connected hahahaha!!
She texted me. " Vaaaann..I miss you" and some sad emoticon, and oh shit. I broke down right away. I don't actually know why I've cried. It wasn't because relief that someone cares, but oh....out of 18 people, only one texted me. Then, after a few minutes, another friend texted me, asking if I'm coming. and yeahh...you know what's next. yes, cried as well.
2 out of 18..haha! It's not that I don't appreciate. The two of them are going to the same uni as I do...so, they care, while the others even don't give a......oh no, they never give a shit about my existence. Idk why am I in this so-called group. I wanna get out and be on my own, but I love them.
I have a lot of stories on how they never even (try) to acknowledge me. I feel like a puppet. It's not that I'm a bitch trying to praise myself, but I think they want me here for my face only. FACE! not my attitude...I'm a substitute. A puppet.
And some of them only text or call me when they need a partner to join an event or whatever shit. Now I just realised that I always say 'okey'.
All these times I just wanted people to appreciate whatever I've done. Good things or bad, I just wanna people to remember me for that i do or did. But whenever(sometimes) when we, as a group talked about every each person's 'trademark', like my other friends..they're remembered for being a 'crybaby' or 'a person with lame jokes' or 'a sleepy head' or whatever...then when it comes to me, everyone shuts up, trying to think of something. Haha!
I'm feeling so small and useless and dead and a loser. But this smile is my god who helps me to cover up every dying emotions of mine.
Puppet, I've no soul,
Seeing black is all I've known,
Would you blow a soul to this life or take it away?
It's alright, I've died a thousand times...
When I arrived and we hung out, the asshole ( my di di) sat on the chair beside me and kicked my leg. He asked why did I come so late. I told him, I do whatever I want (jokingly ofcourse) and I told him that i've just came back from Bandar blah3...those are not lies.. I really came back from bandar and reached home at about 6pm.
But that's of course isn't the reason. hahaha!
Thank you for spending your time in reading my bullshits. muahh!! xo
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