Beautiful words

The word 'forever', never exist in my life.
The word 'love', never exist in my life.
The word 'prefect', never exist in my life.
The word 'Guardian Angel', never exist in my life...

"I Love you", he said/ she said.

For me, those are just words..they never meant anything. Even for those who said 'I Love you' to their love ones, they will also end up being single or divorce.. Words are just words. Funny, how they can make someone feel better, even just for a while only..

'Love' between families is difference, how different? I have no idea. You, yourself know =)

After all these tough years I've been through alone, I longed to hear beautiful words...
Words, beautiful words, that were said by my dad:
" Do not create your happiness by hurting others"
" I know what kind of person you are. You're like me. You're not an open person, you love to keep everything yourself, which now has become your anger..."

I will bring his words to my grave with me... His words are much meaningful than the word 'I love you'... My father had save a part of my soul without his own knowing.... I love you, dad. Thank you, dad.
Thanks God, for giving me a father that understands me...even though he didn't really show any affection...

I'm back for now!!

So, what's up? I'd just finished my exams just now >.> I was tiring..I mean everyday is tiring.....for these week... slept at around 12am and woke up at before 6am.... The next time I remember is being in the hall with studentsssssssss.....

And yeah, just now I hung out with 2 of my childhood friends. We talked bout what's happening, we told jokes, talking bout the pressures we're facing.. and I talking bout my -who I claimed- as my best friend, Venus, backstabbed me...
Damn, when I talked bout it..my voice sounded broken... I tried to hide the pain and the shame..but my voice....*sigh

A few more days will be her birthday, but i have something in my mind already..
My group will always celebrate our members birthday..and I planned to run away or hide or vanish or disappear that day.
I don't want to be there celebrating with them on her birthday, I don't know why...I just think I don't deserve to be there... Plus, I just can't be there....
Now I'm typing every single words about her, I feel lost and angry and upset and stupid....
So yeah, I have everything planned in mind. I'd already planned how to surprise her x)
It's just, I do not want to be there that day.. never!

And, maybe that's all I wanna share today.... I need my sleep right now..... 'sleep debt' =p
Take care out there!
Don't make the same mistake like me, being blinded so perfectly ^^
It hurts....it really does, no matter how hard you try to be cool...

A level!

Hi guys.... I'll apologise in advance cause I will not be able to update my blog for-this-mean-time... cause my EXAM is sooooooon! It annoys me. A lot!
The reasons why I study hard are:
1) Exams
2) To make my parents happy
3) To study over-seas (cause secretly, I wanna get away from Brunei..hehe! cause I just wanna start fresh!)

One of my DREAMS is to be involved in Music Industries.. =/ It's been 11 years....but wait, don't misunderstood what I mean...I'm not 11 >.> I hope it won't be another broken dream of mine...*sob sob*
So, my plan is to study over-seas...start fresh and where no one knows me x)
And focus on my studies and my dreams as well.....

So yeah, that's all... byes! and Take care everyone!

Thankyou Avril!

Today, I wanna write about Avril Lavigne, who has been my idol for 5 years..and this year is the 6th year. I grew up listening to her music..
I remember, when I was around 7 or 8 years old, there's no such thing as laptop and internet for me.. but, I have a radio....a radio that belonged to my mum...
I listened to songs that belongs to Evanescence, Linkin park, Britney Spears,Westlife and Avril Lavigne!!

It was 'Complicated' and 'Sk8ter Boy' that kept on playing on the radio....
Was too dumb and young to understand the lyrics..but, I was having fun with my sister and cousins! I didn't even know the song title and the artist back then.. We sang rubbish..hahaha!! I love being a child again...

Last year, my teacher had this lil program called 'Show and Tell'...
My friends talked bout their fav artists, like Bruno Marz... Some talked bout their hobbies, their collections and all...
And I decided to talk bout Avril Lavigne!! It didn't really work out well ='( cause I was nervous and everything that I had in my mind just..*poof* I showed them, my 'Avril Poster' (I only have one..*sob*) and my collections of her CDs...

It was 2006, when I first bought this laptop (the one I'm using right now -.-), my cousin helped me to put some songs and videos into this laptop..and tadaaaaaa!!! I quickly then fell in love with the song 'Complicated' eventhough it was a lil bit too late... So, yeah...all these time it's Avril Lavigne... And there was  (my laptop has been formatted) her songs ' I'm With You', 'Losing Grip' and 'Sk8ter Boi'.. when I know how to use the internet.....it is all mine!!! hahaha!

Her songs are not just music and lyrics....
They are real and deep.....
Especially the ones that my life is connected to her song lyrics... =')

" Who knows what could happen? Do what you do just keep on laughing. If one is true, there will always be a brand new day"

" I don't know who you are but I'm with you "

" I tried to believe you, but I don't "
" Tomorrow is a different day "

" Her feelings she hide. Her dreams she can't find. She's losing her mind. She's falling behind. She can't find her place. She's losing her faith. She's falling from grace. She's all over the place."

" I'm small and the world is big, but I'm not afraid of anything "
"All I need to know is I can breathe "

" It's innocent, it's brilliant. I hope that it will stay.....cause I need you now "

" The truth isn't far behind me, you can't deny "
" Reality overcomes me, I'm living a lie "

" When you walked away, I count the steps that you take "

" Everybody hurts someday, it's okey to be afraid "

" Wipe your tears and put up your head "
" I know, it's hard to be stuck with people that you love, when nobody trusts "

" I cried a little bit, you died a little bit "

These are the parts in her songs that I love......so far I can remember ^^ So, thank you, Avril for everything! Because of you and your songs, I found a part of myself that I don't understand...

" Why should I care what people think of me? I am who I am and who I wanna be"

Best friends?

Hii! sorry that I've delayed my updates... A lot of things are happening right now...

And I just wanna share my problems, so that my viewers that read them, won't feel alone =')

First of all, my problems never come alone... It all started with one, accompanied by another and another..

I used to have 3 best friends, but.....
One of them back stabbed me...
One of them always ignored me even when I'm in front of her...I have no idea whether she did it on purpose or not...
The another one.....I feel as if she's using me...

So I don't know what to say next....
My best friend that ignored me....or maybe not. She pretended that I wasn't there even though I'm directly in front of her.. I don't mean that she has to talk to me or give me her attention... but....if only any of you understand what I'm trying to say. A 'hi' is enough for me or a smile... I'm tired of feeling invisible... and at least she won't be the one....
Last night, I re-read my old diary, we fought in 2010, around June or July... she was in a badmood and so was I... and I can't really remember how it started cause I didn't write in detail..
" So, you lose your best friend, and mine was taken by 'shark'! I feel sorry for you, and I think it's better if I became close to you!!"
" You used me! "
That's what she said. Now we're alright though, until today...but..*sigh* I don't know....I'm confused..

___

My another best friend, it was 31/12/10 - I saved her text till today.. I remembered that I called her 'baruk' which means ape in a rude way or something..then, she got sensitive cause she misunderstood my intentions...I think I asked her whether she wanna join us playing badminton..but, this is her reply...
*Translated*
" Yeah, the message that you sent, at least be polite. What if someone called you so? "

And I remembered that I said that I'm okey with it if people call me such...

" What if people call you an ape? At least the text is proper, then it's okey if you started to joke around calling people apes, but you, you do it all of a sudden. It feels like you're insulting me, I know, that I can't really hang out with you guys because of my parents... what if people call you such? Won't you be mad? hehe! I'm not mad though.."
 But, it's my bad too, I never thought that she would get offended with that word...
*
Then, It was on 01/08/11 - she texted me again with another cellphone...
" Hi sis, this is me, can you help me?
" It's okey, I have money problem, can you help me? "
" I wanna pay my notes for this exam. My friend want the money on Wed. But I don't have enough money. I need around $** "

So yeah, I scolded her a lil, by said that when she needs me, she's good to me. But yeah, I just lend her my money.. I mean borrowed her..without even telling anyone..especially, my parents.. It's just a few dollars..
But before that, I did messaged one of my best friend for confirmation, and yeah, she told me that this girl has financial problems... her parents...

Until today, she hasn't pay me.. I don't really mind though.. but she promised. That promise is the most important to me...
Financial problems?? Her clothing is wayyyyy fancier and better than mine... I love being simple though, and so does she.. but whenever 4 of us hang out ( which is once in every blue moon -.-), she looks nice and cool and all.... She bought new phone. It was sooo new, that she wanna buy another new one. She wanna buy a laptop for the shop that I used to work when I was waiting for my O level results... I just don't get it!
*
And when even she wants me to transfer her phone credit, she'll just say " Sis, transfer me some credit "...
I mean, am I a friend or a toy?
*
And It was around Jan 4th 2011. She told me something really, really unexpected that I can't share here. I can't believe that I'm involved in this kind of thing... She was scared and so was I...I could just give her advice cause there's nothing I can do to help her rather than stressing out... *sigh* At first, she's afraid that I'll turn my back on her.. but I didn't!
I told one of my cousin, who is abroad about it, he did help me to calm down.. He told me to be by her side cause this is the time she needed me most.. and yeah, I didn't turn my back on her or something.. I did try my best to offer her the best..but it turned out, she never listens...

So, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! I always feel like breaking down whenever I thought about this...

Am I so invisible? A puppet? A bad person? A money changer? A freak?

fuckin' Judgements

*sigh* so, I guess this is the only place where I can let go my anger and thoughts without hurting them...well...unless they read my blog >.>

So, I have this friend, Cam who thinks that she's a perfection or something! Everything anyone does, she'll judge! JUDGE! JUDGE! JUDGE!
Well, who do you think you are?!

First#
It was last year, I was trying hard to save my cellphone's credit cause I'm starting to get broke. Plus, I recharge my phone credit, with my own money! Those money that I saved! So, to those who sent me a direct text..what I mean direct is:
1) not a question text
2) not an opinion text
3) whatever....
I won't reply! What's the use of replying those text when they give you a fact or something -.-"
And damn! Wanna know what she said? Of course you do!

" HAHAHA! A village girl! "

I have a question : so what?
Cam and my friend, Venus were laughing so hard like what Cam said won't offend me...so yeah, I 'laughed' with them...just to hide the fact that I was offended...

Second#
This happened few weeks ago, in school, in my classroom, L6-4. We're sitting in groups, ready for the teacher to call out our names for attendance. There were 6 of us in that group. Then, we noticed that 4 out of 6 of us, our watches are white in colour. Two of my friends, Ada and Lindsay had the same brand watch, that is Ice, but different design.
Then, Cam asked Lindsay where did she buy that watch. And Lindsay said that it's her sister (who studied in UK) bought it for her.
Out of the blue, Cam said that Ada's watch is unoriginal and WTF?!?! she LAUGHED at the statement! I mean, seriously, GROW UP! Ada was obviously hurt, but decided to take is as a joke and joked about it. I just shut up, cause I was shocked, angry and confused! I just couldn't understand how could Cam laughed at it!

" That's unoriginal! It's fake and copyrighted! hahahaha! "
" No, not copyright. But copy paste! haha..."

I have a question: so what??
Then, we all dismissed or is it the another day... I asked Ada how did she feel cause, even it wasn't me, I just can feel the pressure. She told me that she's okey cause she did joked around with the cousin, Alan, about the watch...but I don't know what or how did they joked about it..

Third#
It happened just now at school! I kept rolling my eyes! Dammit! How I wish I could stand up for them....I'll wait when it's time! I SWEAR!
My friend, Jaden was bored during break time at school. We have this group called 'CTs' and we always hang out together at our meeting point. There were 2 bench side by side, where the chairs are screwed with the bench. *I made myself confuse too! No worries if you don't understand HAHA!
The point is, he put his legs at the edge of the chair and then they slipped or he did it on purpose and blah3...
Then, Cam got annoyed and started scolding....or in other words, started to use words to hurt people's feelings...
I can't really remember the whole conversation....but I can clearly remember...

" Those are cheap shoes! "
" Well, I'm not rich and I don't have big house your you do.."

I have one question : so what???
Then, WTF?? She got mad! HA-HA! I mean, c'mon Cam!!! You didn't notice that you've hurt a lot of people..and everyone that you think is bad or selfish...THEY ARE JUST REFLECTING WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO THEM!  Wake up!! You've not a pity as you sound, you know.. I don't feel sorry to you. Every time, I have to secretly apologise to the ones that you've hurt. I just don't have hatred to build up..

------------------------------------------

I seriously wish that one day I will say these to your face.. to wake you up! If you started to hate me, I appreciate that, cause I know I've said it right..

" So okey, okey.. You have your Adidas bag which I believe is original. Your school shoes are original too...ohh! Are they even made from croc skin? Your stationery, they're not simply Pilots or Fiber Castle, aren't they? Yeah, I'm being sarcastic! You might be laughing now, you might think it's god damn funny, but you have no idea how many people you've hurt! There's already so many people against you!! If you don't change, there will be more people hating you! So shut up and when you got home, lock yourself in your room and think about that I've said! And if you got into your senses, come back and apologise to the ones that you've hurt! If you don't know who they are, I'll tell you! "

" Do Not Create Happiness By Hurting Others " - my dad

Andrew's 17th birthday!

Hii! whatsup? I have something real random to share with you all! =D
It was my friend, Andrew's birthday yesterday and.....I guess he kinda had fun?

His best friend, Jaden, who is a very understanding guy plan all those surprises!

It really too time for him to go into the classroom L6-3, where all of us are waiting to sing a birthday song to him..... 5cm candles melted to 2cm -.-"
He had a crush on this lovely girl who feels the same way too, and she agreed to celebrate my friend's birthday with us too...actually, that's the biggest surprise ^^

So, yeahh...at last, he went into the classroom and everyone sang birthday song for him..but we're no great singer..so yeahhh >.> The girl held the cake as he came in with the annoyed face..cause he was embarrassed... Totally! He looked like he wanna shout at us. He looked like he wanna run away from all of us. He looked totally confused. He looked happy too.

Andrew sliced the cake with..................style -.-" so that he'll look cool I guess? And he left the knife there. We asked him to slice it once more, and that good boy did as what was told ^^

It was soooooo obvious that he acted cool >.> That's what guys always do, isn't it? Then, the first cake that's being slice was given to him...because of his shyness, cause the girl was there, he didn't have the appetite to eat..so he gave it to my another friend, Joe, who ate greedily..

Then, a slice of Andrew's cake was given to his lovely crush.
He looked really angry at that time...but actually I figured out that he was just trying to hide his shyness..not just me! Even his friends (girls) thought he was mad..but his buddies was happy to put him in that way...hahaha!!

I was with my other friends behind them, and I saw Jaden signaled the girl to give the cake in her hands to him. She's really willing to do it! awwww~ and of course he accepted it. Then, he turned around to face the windows, to eat the cake (I guess).. His 2 of his buddies' head pop out and they teased him..so he turned his head back in and face us all... =P

So, it was time to take pictures.. both Andrew and his crush are shy, but were willing to take pictures together..

" closer!! closer!! "

And plenty of pictures were sweetly taken by Jaden and Joe, as they teased both of them along..

At last, everyone dismissed and went back to our meeting area. He was smiling and thanked us. He thanked us in twitter too.

" Thank you, guys! Thank you! "

" You're welcome!"
" You're welcome! as long as you're happy!" I said =p

I know he doesn't really like it, but I do believe that he enjoyed it! He's just that kind of person...
I understand it cause he has an attitude like a friend of mine whom I know for 11 years! ^^ so yeahhh

I really hope that they'll be together! Happily! Forever! Go for it bro!
What happened that day, kept making me laughing and smiling ...cause both of them are just cute together! x)
He should thank me now! I'm helping him to write one of his happy history here~~!! Yuhuuu~ =p