Shopping In Surabaya!

Heyyo!
What do girls'll do when they're bored?

Food hunting?
Shoes and heels shopping?
Clothes shopping?
Flirting?
Sight seeing?
Or all of the above?

My friends and I did all of the above!

EXCEPT flirting. Zir and Ir are taken. While I, don't flirt cause I'm very very bad at it. I feel awkward...wait, I am awkward. And I've left 'love life' quite a while now.
I prefer shopping. It won't break my heart and won't leave or deceive me. The money part, is another story.

Shopping here is CHEAP! Not everything but most of them.

A blouse was supposed to cost $30 but there is a promotion right now. I've gotten $20 for 2 piece of blouse. At some shops, you can find it selling 3 shirts for only $10. The quality isn't that bad. I mean eventually we'll throw or give away clothes that we don't want anymore. I've also bought 2 sweatshirt for $10 each. One of them says "MISFIT", and another one says "FUCK OFF". I got "MISFIT" for myself and "FUCK OFF" for my sister. I'm such a good sister...

I'm only here for 2 weeks and I have spent more than I should. I bought a North Star shoe and a badminton shoe already as well.

FOOD. Heavenly word that every hooman beings love to hear. What should I say about this?
Yes, CHEAP!
My friends and I ate at Pizza Hut yesterday and we spent $50 on it. There were 3 girls and 3 boys, and we couldn't finish the pizza. Can you imagine? A large sized pizza is only $10. WHAT. While, in Brunei, it'll be at least $28? And the pizza here isn't oily as well. LOVE IT!
The cereal here is also cheap. And Indomee is everywhereee (you don't say). Oreo here is 80c each. Woot! While, in Brunei, it has to be at least $2.40.
There are a lot of FC's here. KFC, GFC, BFC, CFC...I can continue actually. You can buy 2 pieces of chicken with a drink for only $3, but of course, I don't buy it or perhaps haven't. I try my best to eat vegan although it's quite hard cause everyone wants to try the food when visiting another country. For KCF, you can get a fish burger for only a fucking dollar. OMG! Just by thinking of it, I'm crying the tears of happiness already. The KFC's mocha float is only 80c and a meat set is like $2. OMG OMG OMG!

I swear I won't be the weight that I have now if I were to live in Surabaya forever. LOVE IT HERE!



So, I'm tired and sleepy right now! I'm off to bed =)

45 minutes presentation

I know I was supposed to finish my story of Day 1 in Surabaya but I am too excited to share my Day 11 experience here!

Basically, my friend, Zir was asked to do a presentation on our University on Brunei but she declined cause she is a shy person. Still shy. So, she suggested this presentation to Ir and I. We agreed to do so. But what we never knew was that the presentation is 45 minutes per person. OMG. I know... but not really. Because the 45 minutes isn't actually enough.

I was supped to show 4 videos but only managed to show 3 of them. I thought I will be the one who'll press the button for the next slides but someone did it. Dammit. And the person kept pressing next even before I told him to do so. Pfft! I kinda rushed in giving my presentation cause that person kept pressing 'next' so quickly. And if I kept asking him to go back to the previous slide, it'll make him look bad.

The freshies are actually younger as they do not have 'A' levels like Bruneians (before entering University). My buddy is in her 2nd year but is 19 years old only. The freshies wore formally. When I say formal, it meant white shirt, black long skirt/ trousers, black shoes, and white tudong for girls. When I give my presentation, I thought that I will be nervous. But I wasn't at all. Calm like the river with crocodiles. WHAT.

I've underestimated myself.
I didn't expect myself to be able to blah for 45 minutes. In that 45 minutes, it includes Q & A session. Some of the questions were... I'll tell later. 

Besides, I've met an awesome Ukrainian who gave a presentation on her University. Her name is Olga, was a medical student and would only be in Surabaya for 10 days.


I made some jokes as I went along. In my slide, I put

'Bruneians love food'

which is very, very true. And also,

'Bruneians are shy, friendly and relaxed'.

The students laughed when I said that Bruneians love food very much, and also "I'm actually amazed that you all asked a lot of questions (previously from Olga who gave her presentation first), because we Bruneian will keep very quiet and sit at the very far end, pretending that we never existed". I talked about Brunei's traditional kuih and our famous Nasi Katok.
Then, I showed them the different lecture halls in UBD. They were all amazed cause I don't think there are lecture hall in this Uni. If there were, I guess it was just the classrooms. I compared the people in the pictures, the one in Chancellor Hall and the one in the CLT rooms. "Do you see any difference in the people in these two pictures? Look at their faces. The people in this picture looked stressed out because they are actually having exams and this room is the Chancellor Hall".
Then, I showed them pictures of the Language Centre's lecture halls and a picture of my friends and I using our hoodies to cover up our face. Only eyes were visible. "This is a picture of my friend an I in the Language Centre lecture hall. It was very cold that we became ninjas".
After that, I showed them pictures which I took from FASS website on Festival Sastera the Sixth. The very first picture was a male and a female in Malay wedding costumes. "Don't worry, you come to UBD to study and not to get marry. This is just an act from I guess a fairy tale?"
I also showed them the type of clubs in UBD and of course, I showed them PAC's AMOROSA pictures. Then, I showed the pictures of ADYA with the Choirs. "So, anyone familiar? This is actually me". THEN THE BUTTHOLE PRESSED NEXT as I was about to point out myself in the picture.

I showed pictures that I've taking during my Biology practicals and trips, and specimens. Some pictures of Drama & Theatre, and lastly my Dark Photography pictures that I've taken. I heard a girls said, "that's so scary". Well, I can't un-goth myself.

Finally, I showed a video on the activities that international students' did in UBD but I stopped the BUTTHOLE half way of the video cause I saw the guy at the back putting up a '10 minutes' sign. I was like, 'woaaaaahhhh, my my, I've underestimated myself'. Well, of course silently.

And now it's time for Q & A. Within a second, there were a lot of raised hands. I was like 'woaaaaaahh', silently, still. LOL.

Some of the questions I can remember are -

• Student: Hello, so I have heard that Brunei is one of the wealthiest country. Is that true?

Me: Yes.
Student: And since Brunei is one of the wealthiest country, can you share the tips to us Indonesian on how our country can be as of Brunei.

The first thing in my head was... WHAT. THE .F. This is hard and how am I gonna answer this.

Me: Alright, so Brunei is wealthy because of it's Oil and Gas export to mainly, Japan. So, and Brunei is a really small country and is almost never existed. If you asked some people, 'do you know Brunei?', they don't. (Then, I slowly forgotten the student's question and went off topic) Bruneians worked really hard to be known to the other countries. Brunei is actually quite famous in the UK because students tend to get their scholarship to the UK. They worked hard for it. And I hope that answered your question? (cause I know I didn't. But my point was Bruneians worked hard. Uhh...)

• Student: Hi, why do you choose to come to Surabaya, more specifically this University.

Me: Actually, I wasn't supposed to come to this University. I chose Malaysia (K.K.) but I was offered to this University and I grabbed this opportunity. I have been to Malaysia (not K.K. actually but shuh) and so I thought 'why not?' and I could get to know the people and the culture. It would be a challenge to me.
(And I saw most of the students nodded in agreement. Haha!)

• Student: Hello, I would like to know what is your most memorable experience in Surabaya.

Me: Oh, I am here for about 10 days and actually I haven't really have one. There will be soon as I have one semester.

• Student: Hello, what do you like about the people of Indonesia?

Me: I like the people of Indonesia. They are very friendly and brave, like you guys. Being able to raised up your hands and ask a lot of questions are brave. Oh, and there was once that my friends and I were carry heavy stuff and one of the people actually offered to help. In Indonesia, the food is cheap as well.
(And everyone laughed. I was like 'oh ya, from the previous slides where I said that Bruneians love food')

• Student: Hi, since you talked about to get to know about Indonesia culture, can you tell us more on Brunei culture?

(And this my friend, was the hardest questions of all time. I actually asked Zir to help me out. I wanna say that I don't know much about Brunei's culture but I don't wanna sound like who I am. Haha! I mean, I don't care about cultures actually. That's bad).

Me: So yeah, we preserved our cultures and traditions very well. From the pictures I showed all of you, you can see quite a few pictures where Bruneians wear traditional clothing. Other than that, I actually need help from my friend. Zir, can you help me out (Fakkkkk.. awkward. All of them turned to look at Zir. She is a shy person and I don't think she was pleased. She whispered to me about Shariah Law). So, have you heard of the Shariah Law?

All students (maybe): Yes.

Me: So basically, that's it. (I kraii...)

• Student: Hello, you are a Biology major student right?

Me: Yes.
Student: So, can you give us some tips on how to be a good student in Biology?
Me: (Flashbacks of me sleeping in lectures, talking and texting in classes, playing during practicals, and never really focused at all) Alrights, so you must always listen to your Professors. They always give important information to the students. Some of those information are not found in textbooks or from the Internet because they are Professors and they do their own research as well. And always read ahead of the topics that you will learn. So that it will be easy for you during lectures and you will be able to answer your Professors' questions easily. ( I mean c'mon, these are from my experiences okey. I am not a rebellious or a bad student. But there are times when you can't focus in lectures or slack.)

• Student: Hi, since you said that Brunei doesn't have an artist, do you know any artist perhaps from Indonesia, Hollywood or Korea?

Me; Brunei is actually slowly developing in the art field, but very slowly. We have one artist named Liyana Yus, but she isn't really there yet. And yes, I only know one Indonesia artist, Agnes Monica. (They went owhhhhh!), Hollywood artist is Avril Lavigne and I know that she is famous in Indonesia, yes? and Korea, Song Jung Ki! (All the girls screamed. Haha! Ah mai gerd).



There were actually more questions but I couldn't recall.
And a girl raised her hand too before the last question that I answered but I stopped the Q & A session cause '10 minutes' might be over. I was then asked to give a short inspirational speech.

"So, my last inspirational words will be very short which is: Don't work hard, but work smart! I wish you all the best and I hope to see some of your faces in Brunei. Thank you".

Olga and I received a box of bread and a lovely cactus each (which I always wanted so bad but is expensive in Brunei). I have some pictures but just too lazy to upload.

Bye!

Moving on!

I was planning to type all my sad feelings out here.
But what if I focus on the positive side this time?


I am in Surabaya, Indonesia for my 3rd year - Discovery Year. This is where students are required to go outside of the university; abroad or local. The programmes are such as Students Exchange Programme, Internship, COP and so on. Mine is under SEP (Students Exchange Programme).

It was on 19th Aug 2016 (Friday), that was when I left Brunei to Surabaya. My flight was at night and my family and friends were there. None of the CT-ians came or at least wish me well? So does Mr. disappointment who asked me about my flight 3 times. Fuck that. Anyway, I did not expect to cry. For some unknown reasons, I broke down. It all started when I hugged my mom. I just felt sad. I hugged my sister, then it was a little bit of awkwardness for a moment because I did not know if I should hug my father or my mother first... It doesn't matter though, then I went to my mother and finally to my father. I cried like a baby when I hugged my dad and when he started to brush my hair. Oh my gawddd... Finally, I went to Fang and then to Mijah. Both of them couldn't hold back their tears too. LOL. Losers.

When I first arrived Surabaya... omg, I just ate instant tomyam and oats just now and now I'm hungry again. Sometimes, I wonder how many stomach chambers I have. Back to the topic, There were 6 of us coming to Surabaya, but the other 3 guys came only later. We were greeted by come volunteers and our buddies. It took about 45 minutes to arrived to our apartment from the airport.

My friend, Ir brought 5 luggage, Zir brought 4 and so was I. The volunteers had a hard time solving puzzles. When I say solving puzzles, we did not play puzzles on the road or in the car. What I meant to say was, he kept putting the bags in and out of the boot cause the luggage couldn't fit into the boot. It was a hilarious moment.

But before we were greeted by the volunteers, there were 2 to 3 older ladies "waiting for us" and calling us. They were so loud and were desperate. I stopped Zir and we almost went to them. Luckily Ir saw the volunteers holding pieces of papers with our names printed on it and with our Surabaya university's logo. Two things came into my mind when I saw the older ladies that called us. First, it is perhaps impossible for the volunteers to be that old. No offence though. Second, they were quite violent (as I mentioned 'desperate').


I guess I will continue again tomorrow. I have an upset stomach right now. Perhaps, it was because of too much instant noodles cause we were too tired/ lazy to cook. I miss my mom. LOL.

Run.

Run.

How dare I allowed myself to fall when I've always been afraid of heights. Seeing you or hearing from you made me calm, and I guess that was why I trusted you as I let myself fall. I trusted you to catch me but you disappeared.

The height was crazy... too tall... like it'll never end.

I wanted to run but it was too late. I listened to the tiny voice in my head and jumped off the cliff. I'm still mid air, wondering when will this end.
If only I have wings.



I hate the cold wind in my bones,
I hate the absence of gravity on my toes,
I hate the imaginations where there are nails and stones below me.
As I'll bleed and bleed and bleed,
As you'll watch me bleed and bleed and bleed,
As I can't beg you please...
If you never intended to stay.

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Catch me.

Why are you telling me these?

Hi people!
Since last month, I have been always feeling low and down.
If you are wondering why, I have no idea...
Too much things have gone through my mind.

My two other friends and I confronted just now, as one of us are drifting. Not me.
She finally told us what happened in her home and broken down.

In the end, when we finally understood why she had been acting so differently, like being mean to us or everyone else.
I figured out that she was trying so hard to conserve her anger and sadness, and did not want us, innocence to be involved. Little did she know, the people around her are hurting. Especially one of the three of us and her very good friend.

I told her that if she remembers that I said, everyone loves you cause you are very kind. and I told her I'm glad I saw that 'you' when she talked her heart out to us. Then, she laughed. Lol.

"I found her!"

She knew that she needed to talk f2f with her good friend and I hope she will, so that everything will go back as it was, as it should be.

My friend's story reminded me a little bit of myself and my best friend.

Finally, we hugged and she apologised.

Some of you may think it is dramatic, but only a few who have gone through this situation will understand.

In the end, I treated her and another friend to a hostel restaurant. We talked a little bit.
After that she left. It was left with me and my another friend. We talked for a while and I told that friend of mine that when I wasn't myself, I prefer people leaving me alone. And few weeks ago I cried alone in an empty classroom (room3).

Then, my friend asked, "but why are you telling me this?"

I broke my heart in pieces, like I couldn't bear to show my vulnerable side anymore. I mean, I need someone to talk to. But... I mean, I wanted people to understand me better too, since we are in these breaking down topics.

It also reminded me of when my 5 years ago past where I told/warm a friend of mine that I'm having a bad day, cause I hope that he would understand if I happened to get mad or act differently. But he told be that he doesn't like it if I tell him, like there's no point.

So, yup. I think I have learnt more about myself now.
With whatever happened today, I'm glad I've learnt lesson too.

No one cares. =)

Depression. Cut.

I think it was few weeks ago, when I come to realised that I'm actually DO suffer from Depression. I was just having fun, play some online quiz about whatever which I can't remember. The ones that sometimes pop put in Facebook. I do not, never believe in the answers, until one of those gave me 'Depression' and gave some details about it.

I then, went to check online about it. Say, there are 10 'symptoms' to 'prove' that you are suffering from depression, and I got at least 7-8 on em.

• I cut
• I got irritated very easily (for no reasons)
• When I can't sleep, I can't fucking sleep. But when I do, I sleep like sleeping beauty (for unexpected hours).
• I can't stop wanting to ingest food.
• Negative thoughts
• I thought life is worthless, and I would never wanna live in the first place. I blamed God for even given me one.
• I always felt disappointed and sad.

I remember those days when I cut.

People that don't understand us, cutters, will never understand us, unless they stop calling us emo.

We, the cutters, would either hurt you or hurt ourselves if we can never take it, if we were push to our limits (emotions). Quiet, yes. Happy, yes. Bubbly, yes. What hurts is unable to stop thinking about the 'problem' and we need to let it out. But what hurts the MOST is having to hide it under sleeves and smiles.

The cutters would always want help, but would never be able to speak up. We screamed in silence, but hoping someone would hear us.

I have stop cutting, but whenever I'm emotional (anger or sadness), it was NEVER easy to stop telling myself not to cut. NEVER. I always have to say no, or else I will regret. I always believe that tomorrow will be okey. 

"TOMORROW IS A DIFFERENT DAY".

For better or for worst.

Yes, it feels good to cut, but only up to what point?

Only up to that day itself, and the next day, scars everywhere.

Now, I think I'm improving. I'm getting better.

I've stop cutting. I've stop blaming God (lol). I've kinda stop eating 'unconsciously' because eating help me to think. I mean I think a lot when I eat. Though I cry myself to sleep or go somewhere quiet and pour my heart out by writing. Writing songs or poems.

But I still can't stop all those self blaming and guilt and never good enough thought. I know I have these thoughts, I just can't stop them.

So, I hope anyone suffering, that is reading this not-so-helpful blog, would always be with me, because I wanna get this through with you. I may not know you. and you don't know me as well, or maybe just a little.

And idk why I've suddenly got so fucking emotional today and decided to let it out. I randomly search songs and found this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gi8pMNV-4h4

I.FUCKING.CRIED.

At first I was just listen to her story, but when she sang about her mother and how she'd be so selfish, my heart felt heavy and I broke down.

I mean, how could I never even think of the one who may lose her life by giving me life. If anything were to happened to me, it WILL break her, because half of her is in me.

My mother never knew I cut. I remembered when she saw some scars at my hand, I always managed to give 'logic' reasons. I always felt she doesn't care enough. But what if something were to happened to me, the 'enough' will be too late. It didn't even give her the chance to really care by then, cause I might be gone.

I don't know how long I can or will hold on till I get another few slices in my arms. I hope to get over it.

I think, doing things that we love will help us. Now, I'm starting to dance again, even though it wasn't good, but I enjoy it. Singing comes first for me, of course. I've met people who love to sing and are very random. And always look for inspirations. Inspirations are all around us, it is only YOU to realised it. The person beside you may be suffering from something worst, but is still holding on and do not self-harm or have negative thoughts.

Keep yourself with positive people.

I know, the way I'm babbling now is as if I know all shits. but trust me, I'm here for a hand and from my experiences on how I 'managed' to stop cutting (only).

And again,

"TOMORROW IS A DIFFERENT DAY".

what I want.

So, like the title...
my sister asked me, what I wanted for my birthday.

I'm so old already gais.. T.T damnn...

Anyway, Idk what i freaking want. I mean, when she doesn't ask, there are a lot of 'oh, i want this', 'i want that'...but when it comes to the real deal. My mind went blank! Zzz...

I mean, it's not that I'm demanding, but everyone should have a special day...at least once a year.

I told her I wanna oreo cake. But actually I don't. Mai gadd...it's complicated.

But now I think I know what shits I want for my birthday. I want people to greet me, not only greet cause Facebook told you. Meanwhile, I think I should celebrate for not self-harming, for at least 2 years already bebeyhhh!! During my bday, I wanna eat all food I love without having to puke them all out. Yes, I'm sorry...but bulimia... that's where I am now. I wanna enjoy food from restaurants that I have never been. I wanna spend time, maybe at least 2 hours in the dinner table with my family, and not talking about school or future. I don't wanna hang out with friends, just family. I'm not really a family type of person, but when it come to my bday, my family is the one that is the most sincere one. During my bday, I wanna be appreciated. Fuck. No. Idk. Whatever. Thinking about this is killing me. Fuck.

I just wanna be myself. No bulimia shits. No whatever. U just wanna enjoy.

How about you gais? =)

I've shared my piece. Don't forget to share yours.

Chaw! =)