Why are you telling me these?

Hi people!
Since last month, I have been always feeling low and down.
If you are wondering why, I have no idea...
Too much things have gone through my mind.

My two other friends and I confronted just now, as one of us are drifting. Not me.
She finally told us what happened in her home and broken down.

In the end, when we finally understood why she had been acting so differently, like being mean to us or everyone else.
I figured out that she was trying so hard to conserve her anger and sadness, and did not want us, innocence to be involved. Little did she know, the people around her are hurting. Especially one of the three of us and her very good friend.

I told her that if she remembers that I said, everyone loves you cause you are very kind. and I told her I'm glad I saw that 'you' when she talked her heart out to us. Then, she laughed. Lol.

"I found her!"

She knew that she needed to talk f2f with her good friend and I hope she will, so that everything will go back as it was, as it should be.

My friend's story reminded me a little bit of myself and my best friend.

Finally, we hugged and she apologised.

Some of you may think it is dramatic, but only a few who have gone through this situation will understand.

In the end, I treated her and another friend to a hostel restaurant. We talked a little bit.
After that she left. It was left with me and my another friend. We talked for a while and I told that friend of mine that when I wasn't myself, I prefer people leaving me alone. And few weeks ago I cried alone in an empty classroom (room3).

Then, my friend asked, "but why are you telling me this?"

I broke my heart in pieces, like I couldn't bear to show my vulnerable side anymore. I mean, I need someone to talk to. But... I mean, I wanted people to understand me better too, since we are in these breaking down topics.

It also reminded me of when my 5 years ago past where I told/warm a friend of mine that I'm having a bad day, cause I hope that he would understand if I happened to get mad or act differently. But he told be that he doesn't like it if I tell him, like there's no point.

So, yup. I think I have learnt more about myself now.
With whatever happened today, I'm glad I've learnt lesson too.

No one cares. =)

Depression. Cut.

I think it was few weeks ago, when I come to realised that I'm actually DO suffer from Depression. I was just having fun, play some online quiz about whatever which I can't remember. The ones that sometimes pop put in Facebook. I do not, never believe in the answers, until one of those gave me 'Depression' and gave some details about it.

I then, went to check online about it. Say, there are 10 'symptoms' to 'prove' that you are suffering from depression, and I got at least 7-8 on em.

• I cut
• I got irritated very easily (for no reasons)
• When I can't sleep, I can't fucking sleep. But when I do, I sleep like sleeping beauty (for unexpected hours).
• I can't stop wanting to ingest food.
• Negative thoughts
• I thought life is worthless, and I would never wanna live in the first place. I blamed God for even given me one.
• I always felt disappointed and sad.

I remember those days when I cut.

People that don't understand us, cutters, will never understand us, unless they stop calling us emo.

We, the cutters, would either hurt you or hurt ourselves if we can never take it, if we were push to our limits (emotions). Quiet, yes. Happy, yes. Bubbly, yes. What hurts is unable to stop thinking about the 'problem' and we need to let it out. But what hurts the MOST is having to hide it under sleeves and smiles.

The cutters would always want help, but would never be able to speak up. We screamed in silence, but hoping someone would hear us.

I have stop cutting, but whenever I'm emotional (anger or sadness), it was NEVER easy to stop telling myself not to cut. NEVER. I always have to say no, or else I will regret. I always believe that tomorrow will be okey. 

"TOMORROW IS A DIFFERENT DAY".

For better or for worst.

Yes, it feels good to cut, but only up to what point?

Only up to that day itself, and the next day, scars everywhere.

Now, I think I'm improving. I'm getting better.

I've stop cutting. I've stop blaming God (lol). I've kinda stop eating 'unconsciously' because eating help me to think. I mean I think a lot when I eat. Though I cry myself to sleep or go somewhere quiet and pour my heart out by writing. Writing songs or poems.

But I still can't stop all those self blaming and guilt and never good enough thought. I know I have these thoughts, I just can't stop them.

So, I hope anyone suffering, that is reading this not-so-helpful blog, would always be with me, because I wanna get this through with you. I may not know you. and you don't know me as well, or maybe just a little.

And idk why I've suddenly got so fucking emotional today and decided to let it out. I randomly search songs and found this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gi8pMNV-4h4

I.FUCKING.CRIED.

At first I was just listen to her story, but when she sang about her mother and how she'd be so selfish, my heart felt heavy and I broke down.

I mean, how could I never even think of the one who may lose her life by giving me life. If anything were to happened to me, it WILL break her, because half of her is in me.

My mother never knew I cut. I remembered when she saw some scars at my hand, I always managed to give 'logic' reasons. I always felt she doesn't care enough. But what if something were to happened to me, the 'enough' will be too late. It didn't even give her the chance to really care by then, cause I might be gone.

I don't know how long I can or will hold on till I get another few slices in my arms. I hope to get over it.

I think, doing things that we love will help us. Now, I'm starting to dance again, even though it wasn't good, but I enjoy it. Singing comes first for me, of course. I've met people who love to sing and are very random. And always look for inspirations. Inspirations are all around us, it is only YOU to realised it. The person beside you may be suffering from something worst, but is still holding on and do not self-harm or have negative thoughts.

Keep yourself with positive people.

I know, the way I'm babbling now is as if I know all shits. but trust me, I'm here for a hand and from my experiences on how I 'managed' to stop cutting (only).

And again,

"TOMORROW IS A DIFFERENT DAY".