Dragged around, or followed behind,
You and I, eye to eye,
What can you see in this smile of cries?
I have a friend, whom idk how we'd got sooo close that we even call each other brother and sister. I'm older than him, but he's taller than me. But he kept calling me a 'younger sister', and he calls himself the 'elder brother'. While I kept making corrections, I'm the elder one and he's the younger one (di di). Haha! We always argue about this and most of the time nonsense. I love to bully him and vice versa --"
The sad news is, he's leaving Brunei. Actually he'd been studying in the same university as I do, but he'd decided to leave for some reasons. He told us (my friends and i) his reasons and we understand a lot.
He has made a very brave and wise decision. So young, but able to think like an adult. Yaw bro! I respect his decision. SALUTE!
We'd agreed to may be, somehow, take Philosophy as our breath in uni, but HE BETRAYED ME!!! I kept calling him betrayer...non stop.... respected betrayer!
oh, uh..where was i? yes, It was damn sad to know he'll be leaving.
We, as in my other friendssss and I planned to have a farewell party for this brother of mine, at night. but had a lil bit of conflicts. cause most of them don't know what to bring. So, I was like fine. That's not a problem, cause this is a farewell party and not a fucking gathering. And idk why some of them are making this shit a big deal. So, ok fine.
Then, we have a conflict of where it should be held. Either at one of these people's houses or in a restaurant. and blah3...finally, restaurant wins. so, ok fine.
I was kinda pissed off of my friends who think that food is a fucking problem. Cmon, we won't fucking die for being hungry till the next morning. So, ok fine.
I'm now god damn broke and wanna save some money. Everyone was supposed to arrived at 6pm. But some of the arrived at 6.30pm. And me, the Queen AHAHAH! and my sis decided to be there at 7.30pm, but then we arrived at 8pm.
I've actually planned to go there late for a reason. Just one.To see if anyone will be worried and text me. While my sis, she's just stressed out about all those BS.
If one of my group members left, the others would be paranoid and kept asking or texting. But...an hour has passed, 2 hours have passed. Then, there's a text from my good friend. She's treating this brother of mine as her brother too. So yeah, our jokes and 'wifi' and connected hahahaha!!
She texted me. " Vaaaann..I miss you" and some sad emoticon, and oh shit. I broke down right away. I don't actually know why I've cried. It wasn't because relief that someone cares, but oh....out of 18 people, only one texted me. Then, after a few minutes, another friend texted me, asking if I'm coming. and yeahh...you know what's next. yes, cried as well.
2 out of 18..haha! It's not that I don't appreciate. The two of them are going to the same uni as I do...so, they care, while the others even don't give a......oh no, they never give a shit about my existence. Idk why am I in this so-called group. I wanna get out and be on my own, but I love them.
I have a lot of stories on how they never even (try) to acknowledge me. I feel like a puppet. It's not that I'm a bitch trying to praise myself, but I think they want me here for my face only. FACE! not my attitude...I'm a substitute. A puppet.
And some of them only text or call me when they need a partner to join an event or whatever shit. Now I just realised that I always say 'okey'.
All these times I just wanted people to appreciate whatever I've done. Good things or bad, I just wanna people to remember me for that i do or did. But whenever(sometimes) when we, as a group talked about every each person's 'trademark', like my other friends..they're remembered for being a 'crybaby' or 'a person with lame jokes' or 'a sleepy head' or whatever...then when it comes to me, everyone shuts up, trying to think of something. Haha!
I'm feeling so small and useless and dead and a loser. But this smile is my god who helps me to cover up every dying emotions of mine.
Puppet, I've no soul,
Seeing black is all I've known,
Would you blow a soul to this life or take it away?
It's alright, I've died a thousand times...
When I arrived and we hung out, the asshole ( my di di) sat on the chair beside me and kicked my leg. He asked why did I come so late. I told him, I do whatever I want (jokingly ofcourse) and I told him that i've just came back from Bandar blah3...those are not lies.. I really came back from bandar and reached home at about 6pm.
But that's of course isn't the reason. hahaha!
Thank you for spending your time in reading my bullshits. muahh!! xo
